Free advice costs nothing until you act upon it.
Author: admin
New Year’s Resolutions For Internet Junkies
1. I will try to figure out why I *really* need 7 e-mail addresses.
2. I will stop sending e-mail to my wife.
3. I resolve to work with neglected children — my own.
4. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.
5. I resolve to back up my 10 GB hard drive daily…well, once a week…okay, monthly then…or maybe…
6. I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet.
7. When I hear “Where do you want to go today?” I won’t reply “MS Tech Support.”
8. I will read the manual.
9. I will think of a password other than “password.”
10. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning.
Ways to confuse a roommate
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.152. Wear a paper hat. Every time your roommate walks in, say, “Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your…Oh, it’s just you.” Take off the hat, sit, and pout.
George Bush is out jogging one morning
George Bush is out jogging one morning, notices Little Johnny on the corner
with a box. Curious he runs over to Little Johnny and says, “What’s in the box
kid?”
Little Johnny says, “Kittens, they’re brand new kittens.”
George Bush laughs and says, “What kind of kittens are they?”
“Republicans,” says Little Johnny.
“Oh that’s cute,” he says and he goes on his way.
A couple of days later George Bush is running with his buddy Dick Cheney and
he spies Little Johnny with his box just ahead.
George Bush says to Dick, “You gotta check this out” and they both jog over to
Little Johnny.
George Bush says, “Look in the box Dick, isn’t that cute? Look at those little
kittens. Hey kid tell my friend Dick what kind of kittens they are.”
Little Johnny replies, “They’re Democrats.”
“Whoa!” George Bush says, “I came by here the other day and you said they were
Republicans. What’s up?”
“Well,” Little Johnny explains, “Their eyes are open now.”
Rooster and a Telephone Pole
What do you get when you cross a rooster and a telephone pole?
A twenty foot cock that want to reach out and touch someone.
Evaluating employees
RE: Quotes Taken from actual performance evaluations:
“Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started
to dig.”
“His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.”
“I would not allow this employee to breed.”
“This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely
won’t be.”
“Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
trap.”
“When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot
was previously in there.”
“He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.”
“This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”
“He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”
“This employee should go far – and the sooner he starts, the better.”
“This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”
Blonde and lawyer quizz
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa.” Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $50!” figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.
This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it’s the blonde’s turn. She asks the lawyer “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?” The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail.
After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, so what IS the answer!?”
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
Lottery winner
A woman rushes into her house one morning and yells to her husband,
“Sam, pack up your stuff. I just won the lottery!”
“Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?”
“Whatever. Just so you’re out of the house by noon!”
Bless
Dear Heavenly father full of grace
Bless my boy friend for his cute face
Bless his hair that always curls
Help keep his hands off other girls
Bless his hands so big and strong
Help keep them where they belong
Bless the thickness of his sperm
Bless his dick so big and firm
Bless his hand I love to clinch
Bless his tongue I love to french
Bless my breast he love to suck
Bless my pussy he loves to fuck
Bless the man I love to marry
Bless his child I love to carry
And if my mom shall walk in
Bless our lives soon to end
And if you hear this bless of mine
May it blow your fucking mind.
Amen
Define Confusion?
Q: How do you define confusion?
A: Father’s Day in Harlem
Q: Now define utter confuion?
A: A blind lesbian in a fish market.
Mouse Balls
This is an actual alert to IBM Field Engineers that went out to all IBM branch offices. The person who wrote it was very serious. The rest of us guys find it rather funny. —- Abstract: Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit) Mouse balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform eratically, it may need a ball replacement.Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.Ball removal procedures differ depending upon manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced using the twist-off method.Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction, and that any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items. To re-order, specify one of the following: P/N 33F8462 – Domestic Mouse Balls P/N 33F8461 – Foreign Mouse Balls
Marrying Young
“Your honour, ” explained the young man, “I’d like to get married, please.””All right, what is your age?””I’m 22, sir.””And the age of the bride?””She’s 15, sir.””15??? That’s too young — marrying you would be against the law!””I see, ” said the young man.”Could you try explaining that to the fella next to her with the shotgun?”