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Answers Women Have Always Wanted to Know

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1. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS?
It’s a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing. We men suffer
from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a
male is typically 10 years shorter (and it’s not just from all the griping
and nagging we have to endure)? Hormones modify behavior. We’re just
misunderstood.

2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN?
Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the
testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides,
women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I’m
fairly certain it’s some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one
quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this
ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.

3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC?
We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It’s
much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.

4. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS?
We like to. It’s actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated
by a few simple (and well-chosen) words.

5. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE?
You’d learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you
get into trouble with your partner.

6. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS?
Well, we don’t actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It’s the
old fashioned pride in a job well done that’s missing in so much of the
world nowadays.

7. WHY CAN’T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS?
Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and
women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have
no idea how we feel? Unless we’re experiencing some extreme emotion like
rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we
feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.

8. WHY CAN’T MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E., LIE DOWN AND HUG)?
Please, how many hours do you think there are in a day? We oblige you as
much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around
for hours on end? We men…men hunters…need go roam…starve in
cave…must go find wilde beast…. Now sitting on our butts for hours on
end on the other hand is a whole other story.

9. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR BUTTS ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING
Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that
enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In
prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended
periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were
able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing
on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by
saber-toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are
born with this innate ability.

10. WHY CAN’T MEN JUST SAY, “I LOVE YOU?”
Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that
we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider
that a character fault. It’s not easy to admit to one’s own character
faults.

11. WHY DO MEN SAY, “I LOVE YOU” WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME?
Ho, Ho, Ho. Aren’t you special? Well, some men think it’s a sure-fire way
to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.

12. WHY DOESN’T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME?
We just simply don’t have the energy to answer every single one of your
questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not
like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other
things.

13. WHY WON’T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES?
Why should we? It doesn’t really bother us that much. Besides, we know
darn well that you’ll pick it up.

14. WHAT’S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING?
This usually only occurs after months of courting. It’s our way to let you
know that we’re comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it’s actually a
sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives
us stomach cramps.

15. WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING?
It’s an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go
out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to
look at things we have no intention of killing? Err…buying?

Where’s My Heart

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Poor Mildred was a 92 year old woman who was particularly
despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She
decided she wuld just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to quickly get over it, she took
out Earl’s old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot
herself in the heart since it was badly broken anyway.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and then become a vegetable
and burden to someone else, she called her doctor’s office to
inquire as to exactly where the heart would be. “On a woman,”
the doctor said, “your heart would be just below your left
breast.”

Later that night, Mildred was addmitted to the hospital with a
gunshot wound to her left knee.

Redneck quickies 5

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You might be a redneck if…Your momma doesn’t remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states. You’ve ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin’ dog. You’re an expert on worm beds.The dogcatcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house. Your wife has ever said, “Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!”Your family tree does not fork.The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls. You haul more than U-Haul.

PROFESSOR’S DEFINITIONS OF A KISS

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Professors of different subjects define the same word in different ways:
Prof. of Computer Science:
A kiss is a few bits of love compiled into a byte.
Prof. of Algebra:
A kiss is two divided by nothing.
Prof. of Geometry:
A kiss is the shortest distance between two straight lines.
Prof. of Physics:
A kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.
Prof. of Chemistry:
A kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.
Prof. of Zoology:
A kiss is the interchange of unisexual salivary bacteria.
Prof. of Physiology:
A kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicular ors muscles in the state of
contraction.
Prof. of Dentistry:
A kiss is infectious and antiseptic.
Prof. of Accountancy:
A kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.
Prof. of Economics:
A kiss is that thing for which the demand is higher than the supply.
Prof. of Statistics:
A kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of
36-24-36.
Prof. of Philosophy:
A kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for
the old.
Prof. of English:
A kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than proper;
it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.
Prof. of Engineering:
Uh, What? I’m not familiar with that term.

Create a Hallmark Moment!

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Greeting cards are getting expensive, so why not design your very own Hallmark Moment with some these sayings:

“I’ve always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
After having met you, I’ve changed my mind.”

“I must admit, you brought religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell till I met you.”

“Looking back over the years that we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder:
What the heck was I thinking?”

“If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it’s your sister.”

“As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you’ve given me.
Like the need for therapy…”

“Thanks for being a part of my life! I never new what evil was before this!”

“Money is tight, times are hard, here’s your @#$/& Christmas card!!!”

“Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You’ll probably need it again.”

“Sorry things didn’t work out, but I can’t handle guys with breasts that are bigger than mine.”

“When we were together, you always said you’d die for me.
Now that we’ve broken up, I think it’s time you kept your promise.”

“The holidays are a great time to be with family. Of course, your family won’t be with you, since I’m taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you cheating bastard!”

The Bad Parrot

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Once there was this old man who was lonely. So he went to the
pet store to get a dog. But they were out of dogs and wern’t
going to get any more until the next millnium! So the man got a
parrot. But the store owner worrined him. “The first 3 phrases
he hears and likes he will remember.”
The man brought the parrot home and some boys were climbing in
the old man’s tree. “Get down from there or I’ll call the
police.” said the old man. The kids said”Baloney, baloney,
baloney.” and the parrot repeated it.
The next day the old man tok his parrot rock climbing. Someone’s
climbing partner fell into a hole and he yelled “get a rope pull
him up” and the parrot repeated it.
The next day the old man brought the parrot to a carnival. The
parrot heard someone yell, “Hit the black doll and win a prize.”
and the parrot repeated it.
The next day was Sunday and the man brought the parrot to
church. The preacher began his preaching. “God lives up there.”
“Baloney, baloney, baloney” yelled the parrot. The preacher
looked at him but continued. “The devil lives down there.” And
the parrot yelled “Get a rope pull him up.” The preacher through
the Bible at the parrot but it hit a nun and the parrot yelled
“Hit a black doll and win a prize.”

You've Got Mail

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One day a blonde named Susan came outside to check her mail. She opened the mailbox looked inside an started thumping her feet on the ground and screaming! The next door neighboor watched her. In a few hours, Susan came outside to check her mail again, when she looked inside she started screaming again. The neighboor watched her. The next day, Susan once again started a fit when she checked her mailbox. The next-door neighboor came up to Susan and asked.”Why do you start a fit every time you check your mailbox?” “Who ever said computers were smart? I was working on my computer, and it said ‘You’ve got mail!'”