You’re a redneck if…. You need an estimate from your barber before you get a
haircut.
Author: admin
Punk Rocker
A nurse was on duty in the emergency department, when a punk rocker entered.
This young woman had purple hair styled into a Mohawk, a variety of tattoos and
strange clothing. It was determined that the patient had acute appendicitis and
was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the
operating table, the staff found that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and
above it was a tattoo reading, ”Keep off the grass.” After the prep and the
surgery, the surgeon added a small note to the dressing which said, ”Sorry, had
to mow the lawn.”
Your momma
your momma is so fat, she has more chins than the hong kong phone book.
your momma is so big, when she went to the airport and told them she wanted to fly, they stamped goodyear on her ass and put her on a runway.
your momma is so fat, she uses a vcr as a beeper.
your momma is so fat, she influences the tide.
Your mother is so stupid, on her application under education she put HOOKED ON PHONICS
your momma is so stupid, she failed a blood test.
your momma is so old, she was a waitress at the last supper.
your momma is so old, she proof read the ten commandments.
your momma is so stupid, on here application under sex, she put twice a week.
your momma is so dumb, it took her 2 hours to watch 60 miniutes.
your mommas so stupid, she thought she needed a token to get on the soul train.
your momma is so dumb, she got fired from the M & M’s factory for throwing away all the W’s.
Knock Knock 118
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Llama!
Llama who?
Llama Yankee Doodle Dandy…!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Lloyd!
Lloyd who?
Lloyd a donkey to water but you can’t make it drink!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Lodz!
Lodz who?
Lodz of fun!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Lois!
Lois who?
Lois the man on the totem pole!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Louis!
Louis?
Louis’n up!
53 Ways to make a Cop mad
1. When you get pulled over, say “What’s wrong, ossifer, there’s no blood in my alcohol?”
2. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race.
3. When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.
4. If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer only goes to……
5. Ask if you can see his gun.
6. Touch him.
7. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a hat.
8. Ask him where he bought his cool hat.
9. Refer to him by his first name.
10. Pretend you are gay and ask him out.
11. When he says no, cry.
12. If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment.
13. If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a nice way.
14. If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the hood.
15. Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, cause you don’t like ink on your fingers.
16. After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say “Oops! That’s the wrong name.”
17. Bribe him with donuts, and when he agrees, tell him sorry, I just ate the last one.
18. When he comes up to the car, say “License and registration, please” right when he says it.
19. When he goes to read you your rights, sing “La La La, I can’t hear you!”
20. Trip and fall into him.
21. Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away.
22. Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. You have to sign with his pen.
23. Chew on the pen, nervously.
24. Clean your ear with the pen.
25. If it’s a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring.
26. Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say I thought the name sounded familiar…..
27. Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask him how the plumbing was.
28. Act like you are retarded.
29. When he’s telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly.
30. Mumble to yourself.
31. When he tells you to stop, say what are you talkin about, DUDE?
32. Drive to Dunkin Donuts and say hmmm….only 5 of you here tonight…….
33. Ask if they know how to make the donuts.
34. When he comes to the car, say I have a badge just like yours!
35. Ask if he watches Cops.
36. Ask if ever watched Cop Rock.
37. Giggle if he did.
38. Talk to your hand.
39. Ask if he knows somone named Rosy Palm and her Five Favorite Friends.
40. Accuse him of Sexual Harassment if he does.
41. When he asks to inspect your car, say there is no alcohol in my car, sir, the last cop got it.
42. Try to sell him your car.
43. Ask if you can buy his car.
44. If he takes you to the station, Ask to sit in front.
45. Play with the siren.
46. If there is someone else in the car, talk to each other in tongues.
47. When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him and laugh.
48. When you are in the back, touch his neck through the fencing.
49. Turn your head and whistle.
50. If he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the corner, suck your thumb, and whine.
51. Stare at his lights and say “Look at the pretty colors!”
52. Tell him you like men in uniform.
53. Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party
Not Much of a Man?
A little guy sat in a cafe one day eating his lunch. Three Hells Angels walked into the cafe, looked around, and decided to have some fun with the little guy.
They sat at his table. One of them took his coffee away from him and drank it down. The next one took his sandwich away and ate it down. The third Hells Angel took the little guy’s pie and ate it down.
Without saying a word, the little guy got up, went to the cash register, paid his bill, and left.
One of the Hells Angels looked at the waitress, and said, “Did you see that? We took away his coffee, his sandwich, and his pie! And he didn’t say a word! He sure ain’t much of a man!”
The waitress turned to them and said, “He ain’t much of a truck driver, either. He just ran over three motorcycles in the parking lot!”
three wishes
a man decided to go out fishing. while he was fishing his pole started to yank hard. so the man started wheeling in as fast and hard as he could. he saw the fish and it was pretty big.he said to himself ooo i can take this one home for dinner. then the fish sayed… if u free me i will grant u 3 wishes…BUT!…on your wishes your neighbor will have twice as much. so the man sayed ok…i wish to have a huge beautiful house.BOOM! theres a huge beautiful house house. but he sees his neighbor with two huge beautiful houses…so the man gets kinda jealous but o well. so goes on to his next wish…i wish had a nice red ferrari ok BOOM! there it is but he sees his neighbor with 2 of them! now this guy is really mad and says i wish i wish i had 1 of my testicles removed. ok ..BOOM! then he hears a big scream comming from hi s neighbor i think u get y.
Help me with my hair doctor
Patient: My hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it in?Doctor: A shoebox.
Men Are Like…….
Men are like….Laxatives. They irritate the shit out of you.
Men are like….Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like ….Vacations. They never seem long enough.
Men are like….Bank machines.Once they withdraw they lose interest.
Men are like ….Weather. Nothing can be done about either one of them.
Men are like….Blenders. You need one but your not quite sure why.
Men are like….Cement. After getting laid, they take along time to get hard.
Men are like….Chocolate Bars. Sweet,smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like….Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm and can keep you up all night long.
Men are like….Commercials. You can’t believe a word they say.
Men are like….Department Stores. Their clothes should always be half off.
Men are like….Government Bonds. They take so long to mature.
Men are like….Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like….Lawn Mowers. If your not pushing one around, you’re riding it.
Men are like….Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like….Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like ….Snowstorms. You never know when he’s coming, how many inches you’ll get or how long he will last.
Gravol Label
I just bought some Gravol for my kids. It’s even called “Gravol for Children”. It has dosage information for children 2 to under 6 years, and for children 6 to under 12 years. There is no dosage information for anybody older than 12 years old. But there is the following:
Caution: Do not exceed the recommended dosage. May cause drowsiness.
Avoid driving a motor vehicle or performing tasks requiring mental alertness. Avoid alcoholic beverages. Do not take if you have: glaucoma, chronic lung disease, difficulty in urination due to an enlargement of the prostate gland, or if you are pregnant or breast-feeding unless directed by a physician. [and some other cautions not quite so inappropriate]
I had to take it back – my chain smoking, alcoholic, pregnant, car driving 6-year-old daughter couldn’t take them!
Why do black women smell bad?
because of the chicken an watermelon that that find refuge in
those big sponge lips.
The Japenese and the American
An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA,
when the American turned to the Japanese and asked, “What kind of ‘-ese’
are you?”
The Japanese, confused and replied, “Sorry but I don’t understand what you
mean.”
The American repeated, “What kind of ‘-ese’ are you?”
Again, the Japanese was confused over the question.
The American, now irritated, then yell, “What kind of -ese are you? Are
you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, etc…”
The Japanese then replied, “Oh, I’m a Japanese!”.
A while later, the Japanese turned to the American and asked, “What kind
of ‘-key’ are you?”
The American, frustrated, yelled, “What you mean what kind of ‘-key’ I am?”
The Japanese said, “Are you a monkey, donkey or a Yankee?”