Why did the mustard lose the race to the relish?
– Because he could’t Ketchup.
Author: admin
George and Harry’s European Vacation
Two friends, named Harry and George, go on a trip to Europe, where they have a
great time. When they get back, Harry meets up with his pal Phil to tell him all
about it.
“One of the first places we went to was the leaning tower of Pisa. It was
really neat.”
“Cool. Did you go up inside it?”
“No, we couldn’t, since George is a cripple. But we did go to visit the
Cathedral of Notre Dame in Paris. That was really neat.”
“Cool. Did you go up inside it?”
“No, we couldn’t, since George is a cripple. But we did go to visit Big Ben in
London.”
“Cool. Did you go up inside it?”
“No, we couldn’t, since George is a cripple. But we did attend mass at the
Vatican.”
“Really? What happened?”
“Well, the Pope made the sign of the cross, and George dropped his right
crutch, and he dropped his left crutch.”
“Cool. What happened then?”
“George fell on his ass. He’s a cripple, you know.”
Dating
Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating?
A: By the buckle print on her forehead.
Pilot
The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services.
He directed that a Air Force base nearby to a Redneck town be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited to come and see it.
As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them.
The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.
He looked at the first young man and asked, “Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?”
The young man looks at him and says, “I’m a pilot!”
The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, “Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!”
The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, “What skills to you bring to the Air Force?”
The young man says, “I chop wood!”
“Son,” the general replies, “we don’t need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?”
“I chop wood!”
“Young man,” huffs the general, “you are not listening to me, we don’t need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!”
“Well,” the young man says, “you hired my brother!”
“Of course we did,” says the general, “he’s a pilot!”
The young man rolls his eyes and says, “Dang it, I have to chop it before he can pile it!”
Employee Planned Vacation
Jon: To ensure that you have a good time on your trip to Australia, your team members have planned and developed a special itinerary to fill the time during your leisure hours. Agenda follows: Day 1: The ’10 Deadliest Snakes’ Fall Tour. You and a guest will be escorted through the outback and provided with the opportunity to handle and examine each of the world’s 10 most deadly snakes. Day 2: The ‘Great White Encounter.’ You and your tour guide will take a small boat to the Great Barrier Reef, where you will be able to dive into the chum-laden water and experience the beauty of the Great White shark. Day 3: The Aboriginal ‘Festival of Spears.’ You will be the honored guest of a small aboriginal village as they celebrate the subjugation of the aboriginal race by the white man, with free liquor and a special weapons exhibition. Day 4: The ‘Crocodile Dundee’ Petting Zoo. You will be able to come up-close and personal with the occasionally harmless salt-water crocodiles of the Australian coast. Lucky audience members are asked to participate in a croc wrestling exhibition. Day 5: ‘Those Marvelous Morays.’ This tour will once again return you to the beauty of the Great Barrier Reef, where you will be allowed to hand feed special finger-shaped sausages to the wild eels of Stubby Hand Reef. We hope you will enjoy your trip! Your loyal employees.
Elephant and Naked man
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
how do u eat with that thing
MIT Grad Jobs
Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked the young engineer, fresh out of MIT, “And what starting salary were you looking for?”
The engineer said, “In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”
The interviewer said, “Well, what would you say to a five-week vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching your retirement fund to 50% of your salary, and a new company car leased every two years … perhaps, a red Corvette?”
The young engineer sat up straight and said, “Wow! Are you kidding?”
The interviewer replied,
“Yeah, but you started it.”
New cow
A man and his wife were on a train passing through farm country.
As the train slowed down they saw a bull mounting one cow after another.
The wife turned to her husband and smirked, “Why aren’t you men capable of doing things that way?”
“My dear,” he answered, “We can if you let us change cows each time!”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Brittany Spears
Brittany Spears is so plastic, people try to sell her in stores.
Redneck computer term
Megahertz – How your head feels after seventeen beers.
Arnold’s Laws of Documentation:
Arnold’s Laws of Documentation: (1) If it should exist, it doesn’t. (2) If it does exist, it’s out of date. (3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the first two laws.
Airport Jokes
What did Mohammed say to Sahid just before they got on the plane? “Is that a bomb in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”