Yours Fun Portal !
The other day, while I was seeing my shrink, he asked me what I looked for in a woman.
Naturally I replied, “Big tits.”
He said, “No, I meant for a serious relationship.”
So I said, “Oh, seriously big tits.”
“No, no, no. I mean what do you look for in the one woman you want to spend the rest of your life with?”
He looked at me kind of worried as I just sat there on his couch laughing until my gut hurt.
“Spend the rest of my life with one woman? No woman’s tits are that big.”
Q: How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: Two. One to screw it in, and one to complain that it’s electrified.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
This married couple was enjoying a dinner out when this gorgeous blonde walks over to their table, exchanges warm greetings with the husband and walks off.
“Who was that?” Demands the wife.
“If you must know, that was my mistress.”
“Your MISTRESS? I want a divorce!”
“Are you sure you want to give up a big house in the suburbs, a Mercedes, furs, jewelry, and a vacation home in Mexico?”
They continued dining in silence for a while. Finally, the woman asks,
“Isn’t that Howard over there? Who’s he with?”
“That�s HIS mistress.”
“Oh… Well I think ours is cuter.”
Two West Virginia lawyers hired a secretary from a small town in the hills.
She was attractive, but it was obvious that she knew nothing about city life.
One attorney said to the other, “Mary is so young and pretty she might be
taken advantage of by some of those fast-talking city guys. Why don’t we teach
her what’s right and what’s wrong?”
“Great idea,” said the partner. You teach her what’s right.”
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. ‘Why, of course,’ comes the reply.The first man then asks, ‘Where are you from?”I’m from Ireland,’ replies the second man.The first man responds by saying, ‘You don’t say. I’m from Ireland too. Let’s have another round to Ireland.”Of course,’ replies the second man.Curious, the first man then asks, ‘Where in Ireland are you from?”Dublin,’ comes the reply.’I can’t believe it,’ says the first man, ‘I’m from Dublin too. Let’s have another drink to Dublin.”Of course,’ replies the second man.Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, ‘What school did you go to?”St Mary’s,’ replies the second man, ‘I graduated in 1962.”This is unbelievable,’ the first man says. ‘I went to St Mary’s and I graduated in 1962 too.’About that time, one of the regulars comes in and sits down at the bar. ‘What’s been going on?’ he asks the barman.’Nothing much,’ replies the barman. ‘The O’Malley twins are drunk again.’
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco’s Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs. “Twelve dollars for the rat, sir,” says the shop owner, “and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it.” “You can keep the story, old man,” he replies, “but I’ll take the rat.”
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him.
By the time he’s walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run for the bridge.
Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. “Ah, so you’ve come back for the rest of the story,” says the owner.
“No,” says the tourist, “but I was wondering if you have any bronze lawyers!”
“I am dyslexic of Borg. Your ass will be laminated.”
Why do fat people hate rolls?
Because they see enough everday when they look in the mirror!
What does a blonde and a turtle have in common? Get’em on their back and their both fucked.
Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?
The bassoon burns longer.
13> Anna Nicole Smith goes after ancient treasure as Emma Balmer in “Tomb Dater.”
12> See George Walker Bush as George Herbert Walker Bush in “Once Upon a Time in Iraq.”
11> William Shatner shows terrorists for the bald-faced liars they are as Frank Follicle in “Toupe Beverly Hills.”
10> Ben Kingsley’s done with passive resistance — now MaHotHead Gandhi’s thinning out the bad guys in “The Fasting and the Furious.”
9> David Spade as Sammy the Elf in “I Nailed Mrs. Claus.”
8> Don Knotts is Henry Limpet in “The Ass-Kicking Mr. Limpet: Limpet Lives!”
7> Nick Nolte *is* Al Coholic in “Cider-Man.”
6> McCauley Culkin as Neo in “Matrix, We Are Now Officially Out of Ideas.”
5> From Vice President to adventure hero, don’t miss “Indiana Quayle and the Spelling Bee of Doom.”
4> Gray Davis as Private Sector in “The Terminated.”
3> Pee Wee Herman as Rod Wanker tries his hand at self-espionage in “The Pourne Identity.”
2> Justin Timberlake goes where no man has gone before as I. D. Flowerder in “Breakfast at Britney’s.”
1> Woody Allen one-ups Shaft as Oedipus X in “Mighty Afrodite.”
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]