Q: What’s a blonde’s idea of safe sex?
A: Locking the car door.
Author: admin
Brand New Hat
An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: “Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?”
“Yes, I know,” said the lady, “I need both hands to hold onto this hat.”
“But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!” said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, “Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!”
Frozen state
A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears.
She sobs, “Robert doesn’t appreciate what I do for him!”
“Now, now,” her mother comforted, “I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding.”
“No, mother,” the young woman laments. “I bought a frozen turkey loaf and he yelled at me about the price.”
“Well, that is being miserly,” the mother agreed, “those turkey rolls are only a few dollars.”
“No, mother, it wasn’t the price of the turkey roll, it was the airplane ticket.”
“Airplane ticket…. What did you need an airplane ticket for?”
“Well, mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the back and it said, ‘PREPARE FROM A FROZEN STATE’, so I flew to Alaska.”
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
A collision at sea can
A collision at sea can ruin your entire day.
Tescos hitman
one english man discovered his wife was having an affair, overcome by rage he decided to kill her, so he went to a hitman named Artie, whom he met through a friend,Artie agreed to do the job for a pound (�1)so the gave his wifes description, short red hair, works in Tescos on till eight. So artie ready to do his job marched upto till number eight, picks her up and chokes her to death, the manager came to her aid shouting ‘u can’t do that’ so Artie choked him too, the brave lady in the next aisle came to the rescue, ‘leave them alone’ he choked her to death. The newspaper the next day read ‘ARTIE CHOKES THREE FOR A POUND AT TESCO’S’.
Marketing
The buzzword in today’s business world is MARKETING.
However, people often ask for a simple explanation of “Marketing.” Well, here it is:
– You’re a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, “I’m fantastic in bed.”
That’s Direct Marketing.
– You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, “She’s fantastic in bed,”
That’s Advertising.
– You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, “Hi, I’m fantastic in bed.”
That’s Telemarketing.
– You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, “May I?” and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, “By the way, I’m fantastic in bed.”
That’s Public Relations.
– You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, “I hear you’re fantastic in bed.”
That’s Brand Recognition.
– You’re on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you’re passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the centre and shout at the top of your lungs, “I’m fantastic in bed!”…..
That’s Junk Mail.
Pure Politics: To vote for Bush you must believe…
Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush’s daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a “we can’t find Bin Laden” diversion.
Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.
A woman can’t be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.
The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans’ benefits and combat pay.
If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won’t have sex.
A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.
Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.
HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.
Global warming and tobacco’s link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
A president lying about an extramarital affair is a impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.
Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
The public has a right to know about Hillary’s cattle trades, but George Bush’s driving record is none of our business.
Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you’re a conservative radio host. Then it’s an illness, and you need our prayers for your recovery.
You support states’ rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have the right to adopt.
What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the ’80s is irrelevant.
Geography
What has four eyes but can’t see
Mississippi
You Know You’re in San Francisco When…
You know you’re in San Francisco when…..
Your co-worker tells you they have 8 body piercings but none are
visible.
When someone says TENDERLOIN- you don’t think of steak. You
think of danger.
You make over $100,000 and still can’t afford a house.
You take a bus and are shocked at 2 people carrying on a
conversation in English.
You never bother looking at the MUNI line schedule because you
know the drivers have never seen it.
You can’t remember….is pot illegal?
You’ve been to more than one baby shower that has two mothers
and a sperm donor.
You have a very strong opinion where your coffee beans are grown
and can taste the difference between Sumatra and Ethiopian.
A really great parking space can move you to tears.
You know that anyone wearing shorts in April is just visiting
from Ohio.
You assume every company offers domestic partner benefits. Your
child’s 3rd grade teacher has two pierced ears, a nose ring and
is named “Breeze.” And, after telling that to a friend, they
still need to ask if the teacher is male or female.
You are thinking of taking an adult class but you can’t decide
between yoga, aromatherapy, conversational mandarin or a
building your web site class.
You haven’t been to Fisherman’s Wharf since the first month you
moved to SF and you couldn’t figure out how to drive to Coit
Tower if your life depended on it.
A man walks on MUNI in full leather regalia and crotchless
chaps. You don’t notice.
A woman walks on MUNI with live poultry. You don’t notice.
You think any guy with a George Clooney haircut must be visiting
from the midwest.
You know that any woman with a George Clooney haircut is not a
tourist.
You keep a list of companies to boycott.
Your hairdresser is gay, your plumber is gay, the woman who
delivers your mail is straight and your Mary Kay Lady is a guy
in drag.
A mother’s dictionary
Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.Two-minute warning: When the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.Verbal: Able to whine in wordsWhodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into “get a sponge.”
Heads up
A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf and enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy.
Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway.
He looks at the caddy and says, “I’ve played so poorly all day, I think I’m going to go drown myself in that lake.”
The caddy looks back at him and says, “I don’t think you could keep your head down that long.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Tounge twister
A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He immediately notices that the guy next to him also has a black eye.
He says to him, ‘Hey this is a coincidence: we both have black eyes. Mind if I ask how you got yours?’
So the guy tells him ‘Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident, sort of. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the biggest breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, “I’d like a ticket to Pittsburgh,” I said, “I’d like a picket to Tittsburgh.”‘
‘She socked me one.’
The first guy responded, ‘Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, “Please pour me a bowl of Wheaties,” But I accidentally said, “You ruined my life, you lousy bitch.”’