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He aqu� 10 razones por las cuales es mejor dormir que tener sexo:
1. Dura toda la noche.
2. No te sientes culpable de hacerlo sola o solo.
3. Nadie rumorea sobre que tanto duermes t�.
4. No te quejas en las ma�anas de no haberlo tenido.
5. No hay que pagar para hacerlo.
6. No necesitas dormir despu�s de dormir.
7. Puedes dormir hasta en la iglesia.
8. Mientras duermes puedes tener sexo con quien quieras.
9. Tu compa�ero o compa�era no se queja.
10. Puedes dormir en la posici�n que desees.
There once was a man from Azire
who was froggin his girl on the stair
the banister broke
so he doubled his stroke
and finished her off in midair
En un apartamento de un primer piso frente al parque Mirador Sur, llega el marido cuando su se�ora se encontraba en plenas funciones con su amante.
Un negro est� meando en un servicio publico cuando se acerca un blanco y se pone al lado a mear y sin poder evitarlo mira de reojo y le dice: “Perd�neme, yo no soy maric�n ni nada de eso, pero siempre me he preguntado por que los hombres de color como usted teneis la polla tan grande.”
El negro le responde: “Muy sencillo, los negros cuando hacemos el amor la metemos hasta el fondo y luego para atr�s muy despacito, despacito. Otra vez hasta el fondo y para atr�s muy despacito, despacito y as� hasta que acabas y eso es lo que hace que los negros tengamos la polla tan grande.”
El blanco era todo felicidad por la informacion recibida y decidi�, dando las gracias al negro, irse a casa para empezar sin demora alguna el estiramiento de su pene con la ayuda de su mujer.
Al llegar a casa encontr� a su mujer en la cocina haciendo la comida.
“Mar�a, deja eso y vamos al l�o.”
“Pero Pepe, que es casi la hora de regreso de los ni�os y no es momento para…”
No le dio tiempo a terminar, all� mismo la tendi� Pepe en el suelo y se la meti� hasta el fondo y para atr�s muy despacito, despacito. Otra vez hasta el fondo y para atr�s despacito, despacito.
Mar�a entre jadeos le dice:
“�Pepe, si pareces un negro follando…!”
Q: Why is American beer served cold?A: So you can distinguish it from urine.Q: Why is American beer like making love in a canoe? A: Fucking close to water!
Q: Why wasn’t the teddy bear hungry?
A: Because he was already stuffed.
1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.
4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
5. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.
6. Bread is often a “gateway” food item, leading the user to “harder” items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
7. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
8. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
9. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
10. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.
A young man goes to the Doctor one morning and says “Doctor I got this problem”.
“What is your problem?” replies the doctor.
“Well I’ll show you” . . . he pulls down his pants and he has this great whacking hole in his bum . . .
How did you manage that?” asks the doctor . . . “Well let me explain . . . I went on holiday to Africa and this huge elephant bummed me.
Doctor says “hmmmm, but elephants only have little willies.”
The man replies, “I know …. but he fingered me first”
17> Store Finally Sets Price on Window Doggie
16> Salamander Planned Parenthood: “No Newts Is Good Newts!”
15> Hindenburg Crashes: “Oh, the Pigeonity!”
14> Administration Unable to Locate Bones Allegedly Buried in Terrier’s Yard
13> Missing Ant Colony Found in Pants
12> Survey: Let Timmy Get His Own Ass Out of Well
11> New Study Links Leg-Humping to Being Put Outside
10> Widow Devours Husband in Poisonous Web of Deceit
9> Weekly Outbreaks of Bird-on-Bird Violence Continue as Eagles Beat Ravens and Falcons Pummel Seahawks
8> President Bonzo Accuses Rivals of Poo-Flinging Campaign
7> Mr. Ed to Be Next Mare? Voters Say Neigh!
6> Study: Desire for Pussy Causes Late-Night Howling
5> Bitch Leaves Newborns Behind Dumpster
4> Johnnie Cockapoo Tells Montecore Jury: “For Biting the Twit, You Can’t Convict!”
3> Canine Honeymoon Dampened by Garden Hose
2> Hamster Offers Details of Spinning “Torture Chamber”
1> Huey, Louie, Dewey Defeat Truman
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
Q:How do u get a blonde out of a tree if she is hanging from a branch?
A: Wave.
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BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER AND TASTIER, TOO.
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FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software.
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I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in
terror like the passengers in his car.
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I can’t dial 911. There’s no 11 on my phone.
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Kentucky: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names.
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JESUS LOVES YOU. It’s everybody else that thinks you’re an ass.
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I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was, “Always”.
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What is a free gift? Aren’t all gifts free?
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Can you yell “MOVIE!” in a crowded firestation?
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It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
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If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?
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1955 – 1975: 36 Elvis Movies.
1975 – 1998: Nothing.
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I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
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When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
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Don’t get married. Find someone you hate and buy them a house.
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Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
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I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt her.
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Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
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Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. Or, dirty martini holder.
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A closed mouth gathers no foot.
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The trouble with life is there’s no background music.
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THE BILL OF RIGHTS… (Void where prohibited by law)
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If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.
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The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75%
of the population.
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First draw the curve, then plot the data.
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A FOOL AND HIS MONEY can throw one hell of a party.
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IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX?
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When blondes have more fun do they know it?
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REMEMBER, HALF THE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD ARE BELOW AVERAGE.
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What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
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WHERE THERE’S SMOKE, THERE’S DINNER.
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OTHER THAN THAT, MRS.. LINCOLN, HOW WAS THE PLAY?
———————–
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.
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1. At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as
to give the impression that you’ll stab anyone, including the
waiter, who reaches for it.
2. Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the
restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table.
3. Wipe your nose on your date’s sleeve. Twice.
4. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their
reactions.
5. Repeat every third third word you say say.
6. Bring your middle school yearbook. Point out every signle
person, and give a life history of each.
7. Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.
8. Stare at your date’s neck, and grind your teeth audibly.
9. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don’t know
what they are talking about.
10. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your
arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.
11. Order a bucket of lard.
12. Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well
in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.
13. Howl and whistle at womens’ legs, especially if you are
female.
14. Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.
15. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date
begins talking about themselves.
16. Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme.
17. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live
food.
18. Without asking, eat off your date’s plate. Eat more from
their plate than they do.
19. Drool.
20. Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and
spray crumbs.
21. Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being
placed in front of you.
22. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head
waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part of
the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds
you, ask him/her “What took you so long in the restroom?!?”
23. Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to
you.
24. Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their
plates.
25. Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep
bringing the subject up.
26. Ask your date how much money they have with them.
27. Order for your date. Order something nasty.
28. Communicate in mime the entire evening.
29. Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the
windows, where you have a you have a good view of all exits, and
where you can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.
30. Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs.
31. Hum. Loudly. In monotone.
32. Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and
pepper shakers, silverware, floral arrangements… i.e anything
on the table that isn’t bolted down.
33. Hold a debate. Take both sides.
34. Undress your date verbally. Use a bullhorn.
35. Auction your date off for silverware.
36. Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.
37. Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the waiter brings
your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the
waiter for the potato you “never got”. When the waiter returns
with another potato for you, have the first one back up on the
plate. Repeat later in the meal.
38. Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments.
39. Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on
tape, and use good judgement in editing to twist their words
around.
40. Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.
41. Speak in pig latin throughout the meal (Or ubber-dubber
language, or just nonsense).
42. Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to
the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of
the chairs. Insist that they just need airing out.
43. If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the
menu. Take one bite.
44. Bring 20 or so candles with you, and during the meal get up
and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant.
45. Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you’re
taking them home to your invalid, senile old mother, because
it’s a lot cheaper than actually feeding her.
46. Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.
47. Take a thermos along, and hide it under the table. Order
coffee, and fill the thermos one cup at a time, taking advantage
of the free refills.
48. Insist that the waiter cuts your food into little pieces. In
a simliar vein, insist that he take a bite of everything on the
plate, to make sure no one poisoned it.
49. Accuse your date of espionage.
50. Make odd allusions to dangerous religious cults.
51. Don’t use any verbs during the entire meal.
52. Pass the hat in the restaurant. Use the proceeds (if any) to
pay the bill.
53. Break wind loudly. Add color commentary. Bow.
54. Feed imaginary friends, or toy dolls you’ve brought along.
55. Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get ill.
why did the blonde take a red magic marker to work?
just incase she had to draw some blood.