Nothing ever comes out as planned.
Author: admin
the bitch
whats another way to say khalil scott
stoner
A little girl asked her mother for ten cents
A little girl asked her mother for ten cents to give to an old lady in the
park. Her mother was touched by the child’s kindness. “There you are, my dear,
but, tell me, isn’t the lady able to work any more?”
“Oh yes,” came the reply. “She sells sweets!”
They both became president without being elected.
Q: What does Hillary Clinton have in common with Gerald Ford?
A: They both became president without being elected.
Don Juan
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible fight.
“I am the most beautiful person in the world,” proclaimed Sleeping Beauty.
“No, you’re not,” answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb.
“I am the smallest person in the world,” shouted Tom Thumb.
“No, you’re not,” said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan
“I have had more lovers than any person in the world,” announced Don Juan.
“No, you haven’t” replied Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty.
Well, they decided that if the three were to get along, they needed a mediator, and decided that Merlin, clearly the smartest person in the world, would be ideal. Merlin agreed and summoned them all to his palace, where he announced he would meet with them one at a time.
Sleeping Beauty went in first and not a minute later came out beaming.
“I am the most beautiful person in the world, Merlin said so.”
In went Tom Thumb and out he came as quickly as had Sleeping Beauty.
“I am the smallest person in the world. Merlin agrees.”
In goes Don Juan and in he stays, a half hour, an hour, an hour and a half later. Finally, he emerges distraught, muttering, “Who the hell is Bill Clinton”
Save my spot
Bill and Hillary Clinton were sleeping one night at the White House. Hillary
wakes up and starts shaking Bill to wake him up. “Bill, Bill wake up.”
Bill stays sleeping. Hillary continues, “Bill, Bill wake up.”
Bill finally wakes up and says, “What do you want?”
Hillary responds, “I have to go use the bathroom.”
To which Bill says, “Please tell me you didn’t wake me up just to tell me you
have to go to the bathroom.”
Hillary says, “No, I just wanted to tell you to save my spot.”
Baseball games
Q: Why is it always hot after baseball games?
A: Because all of the fans have left.
The Australian Christmas
Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,Sweating his fat awayHere comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,Water-skis on his sleighNever have a white ChristmasWhen you in Melbourne liveWearing hot pants on the beachWhen you your presents giveHere comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,Sweating his fat awayHere comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,Water-skis on his sleighChestnuts roasting on the sidewalkCastles in the sandEating ice-cream, having good talksWarm Christmas, isn’t that grand?
Wisconsin
A Wisconsinite, a Minnesotan, and an Iowan were walking along the beach, when they spotted an old lamp half buried in the sand.
The Iowan bent over and picked it up, and began to rub the sand off of it.
As he did so, a genie popped out of the lamp, and said “I’ll give you three wishes, one for each of you.”
The Iowan said, “I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Iowa.”
With a blink of the Genie’s eye, “FOOM” the land in Iowa was forever made fertile for farming.
The Wisconsinite was amazed, so he said, “I want a wall around Wisconsin, so that no one can come into our precious state.”
Again, with a blink of the genie’s eye, ‘POOF, there was a huge wall around Wisconsin.
The Minnesotan says, “I’m very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.”
The Genie explains, “Well, it’s about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, and nothing can get in or out.”
The Minnesotan says, “Fill it up with water.”
Another Dumb Blonde
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he’s doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas.
With his dummy on his knee, he’s going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ”I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general…and all in the name of humor!”
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ”You stay out of this, mister! I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”
Q: How many VMS
Q: How many VMS heads does it take to change a lightbulb ?A: All of them, and they will all scream at you in unison and tell you that the only lightbulb you can use is a 100-watt soft white but you can use any 100-watt soft white as long as it’s manufactured by DEC.
Feeling the Goods
Lil’ Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched
as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up
and down the horses’ legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes,
Johnny asked, “Pop, why are you doing that?”
“Because I’m thinking of buying these horses.”
Johnny looked worried, “Then I think we’d better hurry home
right away!”
“Why?” his father asked.
“Because the mailman stopped by yesterday, and I think he wants
to buy mom!”