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There was this mexican who was walking down a beach when he found a bottle that contained a genie.
Well he rubbed the bottle and the genie said, “I’ll grant you one wish”.
So the mexican says – “ok, I wanna be white and I wanna be surrounded by a pussy”.
The genie grants the mexicans wish…and turned him into a tampon!
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.
The wife turns over and says “I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.”
The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
This time he whispers in her ear, “Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?”
There are 3 people walking down the street: the perfect man, the perfect woman, and Mickey Mouse. They see a $50 bill on the street. Who picks it up?
The perfect woman (naturally), because the other two are fictional characters!
Last night I was in a rare tender mood. I made love to my wife and afterward held her close.
“I love you terribly,” I whispered.
“You certainly do,” was her reply.
Having detailed the concept of attitude control, there is another method,
which you may prefer. For reasons that will become apparent, it is recommended
for those pilots whose airplanes have large, easily cleaned cabins. Known as the
“Cat and Duck Method” of instrument flight, it has received much publicity and
is considered to have a great deal of merit by those who have not tried it. No
reports have been received from those who did try it, and none are expected.
Pilots are invited to assess its merits objectively.
Basic rules for the C&D Method of instrument flight are fairly well known and
are extremely simple. Here’s how it’s done:
1. Place a live cat on the cockpit floor; because a cat always remains
upright. It can be used in lieu of a needle and ball. Merely watch to see which
way the cat leans to determine if a wing is low and if so, which one.
2. The duck is used for instrument approach and landing. Because of the fact
that any sensible duck will refuse to fly under instrument conditions, it is
only necessary to hurl your duck out of the plane and follow it to the ground.
There are some limitations to the Cat and Duck Method, but by rigidly adhering
to the following checklist, a degree of success will be achieved which will
surely startle you, your passengers, and even an occasional tower operator.
1. Get a wide-awake cat. Most cats do not want to stand up at all. It may be
necessary to carry a large dog in the cockpit to keep the cat at attention.
2. Make sure your cat is clean. Dirty cats will spend all their time washing.
Trying to follow a washing cat usually results in a tight snap roll followed by
an inverted spin.
3. Use old cats only. Young cats have nine lives, but old, used-up cats with
only one life left have just as much to lose as you do and will be more
dependable.
4. Beware of cowardly ducks. If the duck discovers that you are
using the cat to stay upright, it will refuse to leave without the cat. Ducks
are no better in IFR conditions than you are.
5. Be sure the duck has good eyesight. Nearsighted ducks sometimes fail to
realize that they are on the gauges and go flogging off in the nearest hill.
Very nearsighted ducks will not realize that they have been thrown out and will
descend to the ground in a sitting position. This maneuver is difficult to
follow in an airplane.
6. Use land-loving ducks. It is very discouraging to break out and find
yourself on final for a rice paddy, particularly if there are duck hunters
around. Duck hunters suffer from temporary insanity while sitting in freezing
weather in the blinds and will shoot at anything that flies.
7. Choose your duck carefully. It is easy to confuse ducks with geese because
many water birds look alike. While they are very competent instrument flyers,
geese seldom want to go in the same direction as you.
Source:
GSP Digest #279
September 16, 1990
Three guys found themselves in Hell: Bob, Dave, and Seth. A little confused at their present situation, they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3’4″, dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone.The voice of the Devil was heard, “Bob, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!” And Bob was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7′ tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair, and flies circled her.The voice of the Devil was heard, “Dave, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!” And Dave, like Bob, was whisked off.Seth, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of … Cindy Crawford! Delighted, Seth jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, barely dressed in a skimpy bikini.Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying: “Cindy, you have sinned…”
Q: Why was Roger Clinton’s wedding delayed 5 days?A: The bride’s father had to wait 5 days to buy the shotgun.
A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter.
The butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor.
The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.
Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, “Hey,
if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for
the cost of the meat?”
The lawyer replied, “Of course! How much was the roast?”
The butcher replied, “$7.98.”
A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98.
Attached to it was an invoice that read:
Legal Consultation Service: $150.
Q. What do you call a 300 pound woman?
A. Fat.
If you mess with a thing long enough, it will break.
A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.
Turning to the man next to him he said, “I forgot my teeth.” The man said, “No problem.” With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. “Try these,” he said.
The speaker tried them. “Too loose,” he said. The man then said, “I have another pair…try these.” The speaker tried them and responded, “Too tight.” The man was not taken back at all. He then said, “I have one more pair of false teeth…try them.”
The speaker said, “They fit perfectly.” With that he ate his meal and gave his address. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him. “I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I’ve been looking for a good dentist.”
The man replied, “I’m not a dentist. I’m the local undertaker.”
A blonde goes to a doctor and
tells that both his ears are burnt. ‘Sit down and tell me how it
happened,’ said the doctor.
‘Well, I was ironing my clothes, when I received a call and instead of
picking the phone I picked up the iron and burnt my ear.’
‘But that’s one ear what about the other?’
‘The sucker called again!!’