Did you hear about the bill Clinton virus?
It has a seven inch hard drive but no memory.
Author: admin
Top 10 things men know about women.
The top 10 things men know about women are:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
(I think you get it where we’re going with this.)
6.
7.
(Hey Guys…”check out #8…a new one!)
8.
9.
10.
No problem
Daughter comes to her mother in tears and says:
– since i got married to vasya, he’s never had me…
– oh, no problem. tell him to come to me.
he comes, and the girl’s mother says:
– when you go to bed with my daughter, you know, you have a knob and she has a
hole, just stick it in and the mother nature will help you.
next day the daughter comes back crying:
– what did you tell him, mom? he plugged his nose into my a****** and shouted:
‘mother nature, help me! i’m suffocating!’
Cheap Thrills
A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends
$15,000.00 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way
home she stops at a newsstand to buy a paper. Before leaving,
she asks the sales clerk, “I hope you don’t mind my asking, but
how old do you think I am?”
“About 32”, the clerk replies.
“I’m actually 47”, the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and upon getting
her order, asks the counter girl the same question. She replies,
“I’d guess about 29”.
The woman replies, “Nope, I am 47.” Now she is feeling really
good about herself.
While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same
question.
He replies, “I’m 78 and my eyesight is starting to go. Although,
when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman
was, but it requires you to let me put my hands up your shirt
and feel your boobs. Then I can tell exactly how old you are.”
They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got
the best of the woman and she finally says, “What the hell, go
ahead.”
The old man slips both hands up her shirt under her bra, and
begins to feel around.
After a couple of minutes she says, “Okay, okay, how old am I?”
He removes his hands and says, “You are 47.”
Stunned the woman says, “That is amazing. How did you know?”
The old man replies, “I was behind you in line at McDonald’s.”
B.O.O.K.
Introducing the new Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge device, trade-named — BOOK.
BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It’s so easy to use, even a child can operate it. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere — even sitting in an armchair by the fire — yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disc.
Here’s how it works: BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. The pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs. Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in information density; for now, BOOKS with more information simply use more pages. Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet.
BOOK may be taken up at any time and used merely by opening it. BOOK never crashes or requires rebooting, though, like other devices, it can become damaged if coffee is spilled on it and it becomes unusable if dropped too many times on a hard surface. The “browse” feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Many come with an “index” feature, which pin-points the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval.
An optional “BOOKmark” accessory allows you to open BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session — even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous BOOK markers can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous views at once. The number is limited only by the number of pages in the BOOK.
You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with optional programming tools, Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Styli (PENCILS). Portable, durable, and affordable, BOOK is being hailed as a precursor of a new entertainment wave. BOOK’s appeal seems so certain that thousands of content creators have committed to the platform and investors are reportedly flocking to invest.
Look for a flood of new titles soon.
Vet
A man runs into the vet’s office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet
rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the
examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments
tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and
not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down
next to the dog’s body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking
and sniffing the dog’s body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet
looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead
too.”
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.
The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head
to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and
says, “I’m sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too.”
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much
he owes. The vet answers, “$650.”
“$650 to tell me my dog is dead?” exclaimed the man….
“Well,” the vet replies, “I would only have charged you $50 for my initial
diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests.”
Knock Knock….
-Knock knock
-Who’s there?
-Water
-Water Who?
-Water you doing?
******
-knock knock
-who’s there?
-Abbot
-Abbot who?
-Abbot you dont know who this is!
******
-Knock knock
-who’s there?
-Abe Lincoln
-Abe Lincoln who?
-Dummy! you dont know who Abe Lincoln is?
******
-Knock knock
-Who’s there?
-Ach
-Ach who?
-God bless you!
******
-Knock knock
-Who’s there?
-Ali
-Ali who?
-Ali Bamba
*******************************************
-Knock knock
-Who’s there?
-Edsall
-Edsall who?
-Edsall there is, there isnt any more!!!!
********************************************
Redneck computer term
Digital – The art of counting on your fingers.
I’m God
The first guy said, “My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won’t let me do any work around the house. It’s incredible.”
The second guy says, “That’s nothing. My wife thinks I’m God.”
“She thinks you’re God? What makes you say that?”
“Easy. Every night she places a burnt offering before me.”
A new Priest.
A new priest at his frist mass was so nervous he could heardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.
If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”
So the next Sunday the priest took the monsignors advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office he found the following note on the door.
1. Sip the Vodka, don’t gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not get his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ and his apostles as J.C. and the boys.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say…he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T”.
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this and eat it, for it is my body.” He did not say, “Eat me.”
12. The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the Cherry.”
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the gurb, Yeah! God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.
How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
Q. How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
A. They are fun to ride but you don’t want your friends to find out.
HMO Q&A
Q. What does HMO stand for?A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, “Hey, Moe!” Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same.Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?A. No. Only those you need.Q. I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These doctors basically fall into two categories — those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don’t worry — the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half day’s drive away!Q. What are pre-existing conditions?A. This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it.Q. Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?A. Certainly, as long as they don’t require any treatment.Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?A. You’ll need to find alternative forms of payment.Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?A. Poke yourself in the eye.Q. I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-patient surgery, but I’d already paid my bill. What should I do?A. You have two choices. Your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms or frog hatcheries.Q. What should I do if I get sick while traveling?A. Try sitting in a different part of the bus.Q. No, I mean what if I’m away from home and I get sick?A. You really shouldn’t do that. You’ll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician. It’s best to wait until you return, and then get sick.Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?A. Hard to say, but considering that all you’re risking is the $10 co-payment, there’s no harm giving him a shot at it.Q. What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?A. Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.Q. Will health care be any different in the next century?A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.