Each time the man visits this bar he has a little white box with him. The lady bartender is finally overcome with interest, and ask: “What’s in the box?” To which he replies “The most amazing frog ever. He loves to go down on women and he is really great.” She suggest she found out how how good the frog is. In the back room she takes off all her clothes, and spreads her legs apart as the man takes the frog out of the box and places him between her legs. After several minutes nothing is happening. The man reaches down and picks the frog up, and shaking him says: “Now listen, I am going to show you one more time!”
Author: admin
Finagle’s Rules: 1) To
Finagle’s Rules: 1) To study an application best, understand it thoroughly before you start. 2) Always keep a record of data. It indicates you’ve been working. 3) Always draw your curves, then plot the reading. 4) In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
Thanksgiving
it was the night before thanksgiving
and tara was in bed when she heard her parents call each other bitches and basterds.
so she went to their room and asked her dad
“dad whats a bitch?” and her dad said”its what all women are.” then she went to her mom and asked “mom whats a basterd?”and her mom replied “its what all men are.” then tara went back to bed. the next day was thanksgiving and tara and her parents were at the market when her dad put down some condoms “daddy what are condoms?” and her dad said “its what all men have.” then tara went to her mom and saw her with a box of tampons and asked her mom “what are tampons?”and her mom said”its what all women have.” now there back at home and there waiting for their family to come over .so tara went to see what her dad is doing.so she went to the bathroom and saw her dad shaving when he cut himself and yelled “SHIT!” so tara asked her dad “what
does shit mean?” but her dad didnt answer
so tara went to the kitchen and saw her mom carving the turkey when she slipped and cut herself and shouted out”FUCK!” then tara asked her mom “mommy what does fuck mean?” but her mom didnt answer.
then the doorbell rang, it was her aunts and uncles. so she opened the door and said”hello bitches and basterds may I take your tampons and condoms?” “tara wheres your parents?” her aunt said in shock.and tara replied “oh my dads in the bathroom getting the shit off his face and my moms in the kitchen fucking the turkey.”
A Woman’s Rule of Thumb
A Woman’s Rule of Thumb:
If it has tires or testicles,
you’re going to have trouble with it.
Sherlock Holmes-read it! pleaze!
Sherlock Holmes and Dr.Watson were on a camping trip. They had a bottle of wine and went to bed. A couple hours later Holmes woke up and said” Watson look up and tell me what you see” Watson was silent a minute then said ” uh,i see millions and millions of stars.” Holmes replied “and what does that tell you Watson?” Watson said “astrologically i see leo is in saturn. astronomically i see that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Meteorologically i predict it will be a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically i see god is all powerful and we are small and insignificant.” Holmes after a few minutes of disgusted silence said “Watson you dickhead! Some bastard has stolen our tent.
5 silly questions
The five toughest questions women ask – and their answers:1. `What are you thinking?’ 2. `Do you love me?’ 3. `Do I look fat?’ 4. `Do you think she’s prettier than me?’ 5. `What would you do if I died?’What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:1. `What are you thinking?’The proper answer to this question, of course, is: ‘I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you.’ Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things: a – football. b – baseball. c – How fat you are. d – How much prettier she is than you. e – How he would spend the insurance money if you died.The best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married with Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. His answer: ‘If I wanted you to know I’d be talking instead of thinking’The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:2. ‘Do you love me?’ The correct answer to this question is, ‘Yes.’ For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer. ‘Yes dear.’ Wrong answers include: a – I suppose so. b – Would it make you feel better if I said yes? c – That depends on what you mean by ‘love’. d – Does it matter? e – Who, me?3. ‘Do I look fat?’ The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, ‘No, of course not’ and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include: a – I wouldn’t call you fat, but I wouldn’t call you thin either. b – Compared to what? c – A little extra weight looks good on you. d – I’ve seen fatter. e – Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.4. ‘Do you think she’s prettier than me?’ The ‘she’ in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passerby you were staring at so hard that you almost caused a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is: ‘No, you are much prettier.’ Wrong answers include: a – Not prettier, just pretty in a different way. b – I don’t know how one goes about rating such things. c – Yes, but I bet you have a better personality. d – Only in the sense that she’s younger and thinner. e – Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.5. ‘What would you do if I died?’ Correct answer: ‘Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first truck that came my way.’This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:’Dear,’ said the wife, `what would you do if I died?’ ‘why, dear, I would be extremely upset,’ said the husband. ‘Why do you ask such a question?’ ‘Would you remarry?’ persevered the wife. ‘No, of course not, dear,’ said the husband. ‘Don’t you like being married?’ said the wife. ‘Of course I do, dear,’ he said. ‘Then why wouldn’t you remarry?’ ‘All right,’ said the husband, ‘I’d remarry.’ ‘You would?’ said the wife, looking vaguely hurt. ‘Yes,’ said the husband. `Would you sleep with her in our bed?’ said the wife after a long pause. ‘Well yes, I suppose I would,’ replied the husband. ‘I see,’ said the wife indignantly. ‘And would you let her wear my old clothes?’ ‘I suppose, if she wanted to,’ said the husband. ‘Really,’ said the wife icily. `And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?’ ‘Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do.’ ‘Is that so?’ said the wife, leaping to her feet. ‘And I suppose you’d let her play with my golf clubs, too.’ ‘Of course not, dear,’ said the husband. ‘She’s left-handed.’
Fujifoo!
An American businessman was in Japan.
He hired a local hooker and was going at it all night with her.
She kept screaming “Fujifoo, Fugifoo!!!”, which the guy took to be pleasurable..
The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a hole-in-one.
Wanting to impress the clients, he said “Fujifoo”. The Japanese clients looked confused and said “No, you got the right hole.”
Question and answer Clinton joke
Q: Why is Perot’s wife glad he didn’t get elected?A: If he won, they would have to move to a smaller house in a bad neighborhood.
Three Strings
These three strings were having a hard time one night trying to
buy a beer. It seemed that because they were strings, they
weren’t allowed to enjoy a beer upon entering a bar. The same
excuse…”sorry, we don’t serve strings in here” only made the
strings more determined, but they always met with the same lack
of success. Exasperated, the leader of the strings had an idea.
While his string friends looked on, the leader snipped both ends
of himself and tied himself in a bowline. “Follow my lead”, he
said to his buddies and entered a bar. “I’d like a beer please”,
he said to the bartender. And to his surprise, the bartender
left and came back with a cool one. Just as the string was about
to sip his reward, the bartender asked, “pardon me, aren’t you a
string?” To which the string replied, “no I’m a frayed knot.”
Blonde nurse
Did you hear about the blonde nurse who died and went straight to hell?
It took her two weeks to realize that she wasn’t at work anymore!
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
I Think Santa Claus Is A Woman…
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he’s a she. Think
about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and
I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off! For
starters, the vast majority of men don’t even think about selecting gifts until
Christmas Eve. It’s as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time
Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they – with amazing calm – call other
errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree. Once at the mall, they
always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood
rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of
panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it’s an enormous relief because it
lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I’m
convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe
would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the
tree, still in the bag. Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there.
First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted
and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate
claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen’s rack would already be on
the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he’d still
have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in
the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this
the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob
Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would
also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get
under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly
upright 90-degree angle. Other reasons why Santa can’t possibly be a man: – Men
can’t pack a bag. – Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet. –
Men would feel their masculinity is threatened…having to be seen with all
those elves. – Men don’t answer their mail. – Men would refuse to allow their
physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a “bowlful
of jelly.” – Men aren’t interested in stockings unless somebody’s wearing them.
– Having to do the “Ho Ho Ho” thing would seriously inhibit their ability to
pick up women. – Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a
commitment. I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are
men……… – Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous.
Definite guy. – Cupid flies around carrying weapons. – Uncle Sam is a politician
who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the
testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have
each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole’s version of “The
Christmas Song,” it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is. I
just wish she’d quit dressing like a guy!!!
In The Navy
A Marine and Navyman are in the bathroom together, and the Marine goes to leave without washing his hands.”Hey,” says the Navyman, “in the Navy they teach us to wash our hands.””In the Marines, they teach us not to piss on our hands.”