The Six Most Important Men in a Woman’s Life

THE DOCTOR, because he says “take your clothes off”

THE DENTIST, because he says, “open wide”

THE BANKER, because he says, “if you take it out too soon, you will lose interest”

THE MILKMAN, because he says, “do you want it in the front or in the back”

THE INTERIOR DECORATOR, because he says, “once its in you will love it”

THE HAIRDRESSER, because he says, “do you want it teased or blown”

1994’s Most Bizarre Suicide

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given by the American Association for Forensic Science, AAFS President Don Harper Mills astounded his audience in San Diego with the legal complications of a bizarre death.

Here is the story. “On 23 March 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound of the head. The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide (he left a note indicating his despondency).

As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter no the decedent was aware that a safety net had been erected at the eighth floor level to protect some window washers and that Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide anyway because of this.”

“Ordinarily,” Dr. Mills continued, “a person who sets out to commit suicide ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended. That Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below probably would not have changed his mode of death from suicide to homicide. But the fact that his suicidal intent would not have been successful caused the medical examiner to feel that he had homicide on his hands.

“The room on the ninth floor whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing and he was threatening her with the shotgun. He was so upset that, when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the a window striking Opus. “When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with this charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant that neither knew that the shotgun was loaded. The old man said it was his long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her – therefore, the killing of Opus appeared to be an accident. That is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.

“The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple’s son loading the shotgun approximately six weeks prior to the fatal incident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son’s financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus. There was an exquisite twist. “Further investigation revealed that the son had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother’s murder.

This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23, only to be killed by a shotgun blast through a ninth story window. [Yup, the son was Ronald Opus] “The medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.”

Math Assembly at School

There was an assembly at the School for the Gifted Blonde
tomorrow. The principal had hired a mathmetician to come in and
instruct about how math can be fun. When these teenage blondes
found this out, they went home and practiced their math facts,
hoping they would win a prize for getting the most problems
right.

The next morning when the mathmatician came in for the assembly,
all the girls were chatting. As soon as he stepped on stage,
silence fell over the room.

The mathmatician introduced himself and explained how math can
be fun. At the end of his speeches, he asked the crowd, “Now
girls, I know you have all been practicing math. That’s why I
decided I am going to allow one lady up on stage to answer some
math problems. How about that young lady in the back.”

She stood up and walked to the stage. Her name was Marie.
“Hello Marie.” The Mathmaician said. “Now, what’s 2+2?”

Marie thought for a moment, “5?” she said in an unsure voice.
‘Give her another try, give her another try.’ The crowd cheered.

“Alright, that was close. What is 3+3?”

Marie thought a little longer this time. She was using her
fingers. “Ummmmm…..5?”

The crowd cheered, ‘Give her another try, Give her another try!’

“That was closer, Marie. Let’s try another. What is 2+3?”

Marie thought long and hard on this one. Five minutes had past.
The crowd was still silent. Marie finally said, “Ummm… I
blieve it’s 5.”

The blonde crowd cheered, ‘Give her another try, Give her
another try!’

Selective Hearing

WHEN SOME WOMAN SAY: “This place is a mess! C’mon, you and I need to clean up. Your stuff is lying on the floor and you’ll have no clothes to wear, if we don’t do laundry right now!”

THIS IS WHAT SOME MEN HEAR: “Blah, blah, blah, blah, c’mon blah, blah, blah, blah, you and I blah, blah, blah, blah, on the floor blah, blah, blah, blah, no clothes blah, blah, blah, right now!”

La atractiva mujer se dirige

La atractiva mujer se dirige hacia el bar de una taberna rural y le hace unos gestos al cantinero, el cual se acerca a ella inmediatamente.

Ella le hace se�as para que acerque m�s su cara. Cuando est� cerca, gentilmente le empieza a acariciar su espesa barba.

“�Eres el administrador de este lugar?”, le dice mientras le acaricia la cara con las dos manos.

“Realmente, no”.

“Puedes decirle que venga. Necesito hablar con �l”, le dice ella mientras sus manos siguen acariciando su barba y su pelo.

“Me temo que no voy a poder”, dice respirando excitado, “�la puedo ayudar en algo?”

“S� puedes, necesito que le des un mensaje”, dice ella, mientras le introduce dos de sus dedos en la boca y deja que �l los chupe suavemente, “dile al administrador que no hay papel higi�nico en el ba�o de las se�oras”.

Call 911!

“Did you hear what happened?”Jim asked when he saw me walking down the hallway at work.”Hear what” I asked, my curiosity peaked.”The regional vice president died this morning!””What?!” I asked, totally stunned.”What happened?””He was working through lunch when he had a heart attack” Jim began explaining.”Everyone was gone except his secretary. You know the one.””Boy do I. She’s that young blonde babe.””Yeah that’s the one. Turns out she isn’t too smart, though.””What do you mean?”I asked.”He kept yelling at her to ‘call 9 1 1’. She just stood there waiting for him to give her the rest of the phone number.”