Camilla said to the queen every time i suck charles cock i get heartburn the queen replied have u tried Andrews?
Author: admin
A “Not So Erudite” Limerick
There once was a queer from Khartoum Who took a lesbian up to his room They argued all night Over who had the right To do what, and with which, and to whom!
Q: Why did the turtle cross the road?
A: To get to the Shell station!
Punishment?
A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of
eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an intimate
encounter with a beautiful young woman. “What a rip-off,” the man muttered. “I
have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a
beautiful woman.” Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon
snarled, “Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?”
hanging from plane
There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a plane. Ten were blonde, and one was a brunette.They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn’t then the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go, so finally the brunette said, “I’ll get off.”After a really touching speech from the brunette saying she would get off, all of the blondes started clapping.
Taste Test
A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, “Children, I’d like you to close your eyes and taste these.”
The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.
“I’ll give you a hint,” said the teacher. “It’s something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time.”
Instantly, one of the kids coughed his onto the floor and shouted,
“Spit ’em out, they’re assholes!”
Un ni�o llega a una
Un ni�o llega a una tienda y le pide al tendero:
“Se�or, �me hace el favor y me da un helado de ron con pasas?”.
“Tenga su helado, tenga su helado”, le despacha el tendero.
A los 5 minutos:
“Se�or, �me hace el favor y me da un helado de ron con pasas?”.
Y as�, contin�a pidiendo varios, hasta que lleg� el momento:
“Se�or, me hace el favor y me da el mismo helado, o si no le parto el vidrio de la vitrina”.
“Usted, �qu� est� borracho o qu�?”
“�Ay! �Acaso usted nunca ha perdido un primero de primaria?”
Disposition To Have Children
A wise man once said that having children is hereditary.
Which is tantamount to saying: If your parents didn’t have children, chances are you won’t either.
Raid
You just can’t win.
I’ll bet if I died and came back as a fly, my wife would come back as a can of Raid!
Yo mama is so fat….seven
Yo mama is so fat that after I got done having sex with her I rolled over seven times and I was still on top of her!
Drinker’s Fault Finding Guide
Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault : Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution : Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.
Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault : Glass is empty.
Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom : Room is spinning.
Fault : Somebody is spinning your barstool.
Solution : Vomit on person doing the spinning.
Symptom : Feet cold and wet.
Fault : Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution : Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.
Symptom : Feet warm and wet.
Fault : Loss of self-control.
Solution : Go and stand beside nearest dog. After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.
Symptom : Lap cool and wet.
Fault : Drooling on yourself.
Solution : Change position so that you are drooling on someone else.
Symptom : Bar blurred. Fault : You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass. Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom : Bar moving.
Fault : You are being carried out.
Solution : Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not complain loudly that you are being hijacked.
Sympton : Bar looks like a circus.
Fault : You’re at a circus.
Solution : Go to a bar.
Symptom : The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
Fault : You have fallen over backwards.
Solution : If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.
Symptom : Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
Fault : You have fallen over forwards.
Solution : Same as for falling over backwards.
Symptom : Everything has gone dim.
Fault : The pub is closing.
Solution : PANIC!!
Country music
A medical student was in the morgue one day after classes, getting a little practice in before the final exams.
He went over to a table where a body was lying face down. He removed the sheet over the body and to his surprise he found a cork in the corpse’s rectum.
Figuring this was fairly unusual, he pulled the cork out, and to his surprise, music began playing “On the road again… just can’t wait to get on the road again…”
The student was amazed, and placed the cork back in the rectum.
The music stopped. Totally freaked out, the student called the Medical Examiner over to the corpse.
“Look at this. This is really something!” the student told the examiner as he pulled the cork back out again.
“On the road again… just can’t wait to get on the road again…”
“So what?”, the Medical Examiner replied, obviously unimpressed with the student’s discovery.
“But isn’t that the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen?” asked the student.
“Are you kidding?” replied the Examiner, “Any asshole can sing country music!”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis