A car drives up to a farmer’s house, a man gets out, knocks on the door, and the farmer opens it. “A friend told me you have a mule that points quail”, said the stranger, “is that true”?? “Sure is”, said the farmer, “would you like to see him work?” The strangers said, “Sure”. Soon they were walking through a field, when the mule suddenly stopped and struck a beautiful point. The farmer walks ahead of the mule and scares up a big covey of quail. This goes on a half dozen more times…the mule points…the farmer scares up the covey. Finally, the stranger says, “That’s enough, I’ve got to have that mule”. “He ain’t for sale”, said the farmer. I’ll give you $50,000.00 for him”, said the stranger. Well, the farmer couldn’t refuse such a big offer, so he sold him. The next night, the farmer’s phone rang…it was the stranger. “What the hell’s wrong with this damed mule you sold me?”, he screamed…”all he’s done all day is stand belly deep in my pond”!! “Well”, said the farmer, “I guess I should’a told you……he’d rather fish than hunt.”
Author: admin
Teachers First Day
It was the first day of school, and the elementary school teacher was establishing the fact that she’d take no nonsense from the kiddies this year. While taking the roll, she was told by one boy “My name is Johnny Fuckhauer”.So she said “There’ll be none of that kind of thing this year, Johnny; tell me your REAL name!”.The kid said “No, really teacher, it IS Johnny Fuckhauer. You can go across the hall to fourth grade and ask my brother if you don’t believe me!”Not wanting to be subjected to that kind of thing, the teacher went across the hall and knocked on the fourth grade classroom door.The fourth grade teacher had stepped down the hall to the front office for a moment, so she entered the room and directly asked the class “Do you have a Fuckhauer in here?””Hell no!” replied a little kid from the front row, “We don’t even get a cookie break!”
Orgy in the Zoo
~{:sing to the tune of row row row your boat:}~
-Fuck fuck fuck a duck
-Screw a kangaroo
-Bang bang an arangatang
-Orgy in the zoo 🙂
damn mexicans
(Q.)What do you call a bunch of mexicans on a roof?
(A.)Chingos
If this company ran Christmas…
If the NSA ran Christmas…Your ornaments would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to monitor your tree for reasons of national security.
Bad Headache
Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.
“The good news is I can cure your headaches… The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for. He couldn’t concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He walked past a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need: a new suit.”
He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.” The salesman eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see… size 44 long.”
Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?”
“It’s my job.”
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?”
Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure…” The salesman eyed Joe and said, “Let’s see… 34 sleeve and… 16 and a half neck”
Joe was surprised, “That’s right, how did you know?”
“It’s my job.”
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about new shoes?”
Joe was on a roll and said, “Sure …” The salesman eyed Joe’s feet and said, “Let’s see… 9-1/2… E.”
Joe was astonished, “That’s right, how did you know?”
“It’s my job.”
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, “How about a new hat?”
Without hesitating, Joe said, “Sure…” The salesman eyed Joe’s head and said, “Let’s see… 7-5/8.”
Joe was incredulous, “That’s right, how did you know?”
“It’s my job.”
The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?”
Joe thought for a second and said, “Sure…”
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe’s waist and said, “Let’s see… size 36.”
Joe laughed, “No, I’ve worn size 34 since I was 18 years old.”
The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”
Rhode’s Corollary To Hoare’s Law:
Rhode’s Corollary To Hoare’s Law: Inside every complex and unworkable program is a useful routine struggling to be free.
Moses and Bush
George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.
George W. approached the man and inquired, “Aren’t you Moses?”
The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.
George W. positioned himself more directly in the man’s view and asked again, “Aren’t you Moses?”
The man continued to peruse the ceiling.
George W. tugged at the man’s sleeve and asked once again, “Aren’t you Moses?”
The man finally responded in an irritated voice, “Yes I am.”
George W. asked him why he was so uppity.
Moses replied, “The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert!”
Good, Bad and Worse
Bad: You can’t find your vibrator.
Worse: Your daughter “borrowed” it.
Bad: You find a porn movie in your son’s room.
Worse: You’re in it.
Bad: Your children are sexually active.
Worse: With each other.
Bad: Your husband’s a cross dresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.
Bad: Your son’s involved in Satanism.
Worse: As a sacrifice.
Bad: Your wife wants a divorce.
Worse: She’s a lawyer.
Bad: Your wife’s leaving you.
Worse: For another woman.
Bad: Your wife’s leaving you.
Worse: To enter a convent.
Bad: Your wife’s arrested for soliciting.
Worse: She implicates you.
Good: Hot outdoor sex.
Bad: You’re arrested.
Worse: By your husband.
Good: The postman’s early.
Bad: He’s wearing camos and has an AK-47.
Good: The secretary said “yes.”
Bad: Your wife says “no.”
Good: The teacher likes your son.
Bad: Sexually.
Worse: He’s gay.
Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: So did the postman.
Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: Your wife walks in.
Good: You get a three-day weekend.
Bad: You get the flu on Friday.
Good: You get tickets to the theatre.
Bad: It’s performance art.
Good: You go to see a strip show.
Bad: Your daughter’s the headliner.
Good: Your boyfriend’s exercising.
Bad: So he’ll fit in your clothes.
Good: Your car conveniently “runs out of gas.”
Bad: For real.
Good: Your child’s “waiting for Mr. Right”.
Bad: Your son, that is.
Good: Your daughter’s on the Pill.
Bad: She’s eleven.
Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude.
Bad: She weighs 350 pounds.
Good: Your son’s doing extra credit work.
Bad: Making a sex ed video.
Good: Your uncle leaves you a fortune.
Bad: It’s counterfeit.
Good: Your wife bought a porn video.
Bad: Your daughter’s the star.
Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex.
Bad: You live downtown.
Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude.
Bad: She’s coming home.
Good: Your wife’s kinky.
Bad: With the neighbors.
Worse: All of them.
You might be a redneck if you have ever awakened…
You might be a redneck if you have ever awakened someone
to tell them its time to go to sleep.
Busy in Heaven
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had
been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one,
“Heaven’s getting pretty close to full today, and I’ve been asked to admit only
people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what’s your story?”
The first man replies: “Well, for a while I’ve suspected my wife has been
cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I
came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my
searching around didn’t reveal where this other guy could have been hiding.
Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging
off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started
beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn’t you know it, he wouldn’t fall off.
So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering
on his fingers. Of course, he couldn’t stand that for long, so he let go and
fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I
couldn’t stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and
threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all
the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the
balcony.”
“That sounds like a pretty bad day to me,” said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and
again asks for his story.
“It’s been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my
apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well,
this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But
I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew
I couldn’t hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the
balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and
kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and
grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but
again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just
when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out
of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I’m here.”
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible
death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and St. Peter asked for his
story.
“Picture this,” says the third man, “I’m hiding naked inside a
refrigerator…”
blondes coffin
Why do blondes need coffins shaped like the letter “T”?
Because when you put them on their backs, their legs open.