A long time ago, Britain and France were at war.
During one battle, the French captured an English Major. Taking the Major to
their headquarters, the French general began to question him.
The French general asked, “Why do you English officers all wear red coats?
Don’t you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?”
In his bland English way, the major informed the general that the reason
English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won’t
show and the men they are leading won’t panic.
And that is why from that day to now all French Army officers wear brown
pants.
Author: admin
A good scapegoat is hard
A good scapegoat is hard to find.
Milk bath
This lady read in a magazine that milk baths are good for your skin. She left a note for the milkman to leave her 15 gallons of milk. The milkman thought she made a mistake. He knocked on the door and asked, “Do you really want 15 gallons of milk?” She explained that they were good for the skin and was going to take a bath in it. The milkman asks, “Do you want it pasturized?” She said, “No, just up to my neck will do!”
Sex is like bridge
Why is sex like bridge?
You either need a good partner or a good hand.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Levitating Beer
These two strangers are having a drink at a bar. The one orders a beer and drinks it down rightaway and then sighs with pleasure. He immedietly walks over to the window jumps out and floats to the ground. A minute later he walks back in and sits down next to the stranger. The stranger can’t believe what he just saw and asks for an explanation. The other man explains that when ever he drinks this certain kind of beer it makes him feel so good he feels like floating. The stranger has heard enough and orders the same beer and drinks it right down goes over to the window and jumps out, splatt!!! The bartender looks over at the guy left at the bar and says, “Superman sometimes you’re such an ass”.
French fries
How did the blonde burn her nose?
Bobbing for French fries.
Close Quarters
It was a really hot day at the office. There were about 20 people in close quarters and everyone was sweating, even with a fan on. All of a sudden, people started to wrinkle their noses at an odor passing through the air. It was the most hideous smell anyone had ever smelt. One man said, “Uh oh, someone’s deodorant isn’t working.” A man in the corner replied, “It can’t be me. I’m not wearing any.”
True bravery
True bravery is arriving home late after a boy’s night out, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask, “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
English Lovers
An elderly Frenchman was slowly walking down a countryside lane, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple, naked, making love in a field.Getting over his initial shock he said to himself, ‘Ah ze young love, ze springtime, ze air, ze flowers. C’est magnifique!’ and continued to watch, remembering good times.Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said, ‘Mais… Sacre bleu!! Ze woman – she is dead!’ and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell Albert, the police chief.He came, out of breath, to the police station and shouted, ‘Albert… Albert zere is zis man zis woman .. . naked in Farmer Gaston’s field making love.’The police chief smiled and said; ‘Come, come, Henri, you are not so old to not remember ze young love, ze springtime, ze air, ze flowers. Ah, L’amour! Zis is okay.”Mais non! You do not understand – ze woman she is dead!’Hearing this Albert leapt from his seat and rushed out of the station and, the police car being serviced, he ran down to the field, confirmed Henri’s story, and ran all the way back nonstop to call the doctor.’Pierre, Pierre… this is Albert. I was in Gaston’s field… zere is a young couple naked ‘aving sex.’To which Pierre replied, ‘Albert, I am a man of science. You must remember, it is spring, ze air, ze flowers. Ah, Uamour! Zis is very natural.’Albert, still out of breath gasped in reply, ‘Non, you do not understand. Ze woman, she is dead!’Hearing this Pierre shouted, ‘Mon dieu!’ grabbed his black medicine bag, stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools and jumped in the car and drove like a madman down to Gaston’s field. Upon getting there he gave the couple a full medical exam and drove back to Henri and Albert, who were waiting at the station. He got there, went inside, and smiled patiently at the two French-men and said, ‘Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead. She is English.’
ARTISTS
What do you call an artist who broke up with his girlfriend?
Homeless
the silly kid
why did the silly boy stand on his head?
because his feet where tired.
Pickle of a river
Once upon a time, a little boy lived by a river. It was a very boring river because the land was so flat there. One day, the boy was eating lunch by the river, munching on a kosher pickle. All of the sudden, an idea comes to him and he pitches the pickle into the river. Instantly, the river is transformed into a majestic waterfall! People came from miles around to witness the miracle. After seeing the beautiful waterfall, they turned to the little boy. “How,” they asked, “how did you know to toss the kosher pickle into the river?” The little boy smiled and answered, “I just thought of that old adage–you know, that dill waters run steep!”