As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.
Author: admin
Durante un vuelo a Nueva
Durante un vuelo a Nueva York iba un se�or de aspecto muy distinguido sentado junto a una dama que luc�a muy profesional. Este hombre era de aquellos, a los que les resultaba imposible estar a la par de alguien sin entablar conversaci�n de forma que la inici� mas o menos como a continuaci�n les relato:
Hola… �viaja usted a Nueva York?
S� se�or -dijo ella- sin mostrar inter�s alguno por continuar la charla.
�Qu� interesante! -exclam� �l en tono muy grave – y sin darse por vencido prosigui� �va de vacaciones?
No se�or voy en v�as de trabajo.
�Que interesante!… �y usted a que se dedica?
Como a todos nos pasa, sinti� el agrado de poder elevar el ego, -soy Psic�loga, poseo un master en Sexualidad Humana -dijo simulando indiferencia.
�Qu� interesante! -replic� �l – supongo que en Nueva York tiene su oficina de trabajo.
No, me dirijo para all� dado que esta semana se celebra el Congreso Mundial de Sexolog�a y yo soy una de las expositoras.
�Qu� interesante! – volvi� a decir mientras su entusiasmo iba claramente en aumento – �puedo saber de que trata su c�tedra?
Desde luego – afirm� ella interesada ya en la pl�tica – voy a dictar una conferencia magistral sobre el tama�o del pene de los hombres, presentar� una evaluaci�n retrospectiva preliminar de los diferentes grupos �tnicos, he dedicado mi vida a esta investigaci�n.
�Qu� interesante! – contest� el hombre subiendo el tono y agravando la voz delatando su entusiasmo – y cu�nteme… �qu� ha podido determinar usted?
Pues le dir�, contrario a lo que usted est� pensando en este momento no son los hombres de raza negra los que tienen el pene mas largo.
�Qu� interesante!… y entonces �qui�nes son?
Son los Apaches se�or, pero no son ellos los que lo tienen mas grueso.
�Qu� interesante!… Supongo que ah� si entran los negros.
No se�or, los Jud�os, son ellos quienes lo tienen mas grueso.
En este momento el avi�n ya hab�a llegado a la manga de la terminal a�rea, lo que hac�a necesario concluir tan cient�fica tertulia, por lo que ella concluy� diciendo:
Que gran gusto fue para mi conocerlo soy la Dra. Pria Po, me gustar�a invitarle a escuchar mi conferencia �con qui�n tuve el gusto?
Doctora Po, el gusto ha sido m�o, �mi nombre es Toro Sentado Rosemberg!
Why are cowgirls always bowlegged?
Q: Why are cowgirls always bowlegged?
A: Cowboys like to eat with their hats on.
Mean Boss
After the annual office party, John woke up with a headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife was preparing breakfast. “Gina,” he moaned, “tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?”
“Even worse,” she declared, her voice dripping with scorn. “You made a complete jerk of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the president of the company to his face!”
“He’s an jerk, piss on him.”
“You did,” Gina informed him. “And he fired you.”
“Well, screw him!,” said John.
“I did. You’re back at work on Monday!”
Ohio State Calculus Final Story
The setting is Ohio State University about six or seven years ago in a huge
lecture hall (approximately 1000 students) for a Calculus final. Apparently this
particular calculus teacher wasn’t very well liked. He was one of those guys who
would stand at the front of the class and yell out how much time was remaining
before the end of a test, a real charmer. Since he was so busy galavanting
around the room making sure that nobody cheated and that everyone was aware of
how much time they had left before their failure on the test was complete, he
had the students stack the completed tests on the huge podium at the front of
the room. This made for quite a mess, remember there were 1000 students in the
class. Five minutes turned into ten, ten into twenty, twenty into fourty…
almost an hour after the test was “officially over”, our friend finally put down
his pencil, gathered up his work, and headed to the front of the hall to submit
his final. The whole time, the professor sat at the front of the room, strangely
waiting for the student to complete his exam.
“What do you think you’re doing?” the professor asked as the student stood in
front of him about to put down his exam on one of the neatly stacked piles of
exams (the professor had plenty of time to stack the mountain of papers while he
waited). It was clear that the professor had waited only to give the student a
hard time.
“Turning in my exam,” retorted the student confidently.
“I’m afraid I have some bad news for you,” the profesor gloated, “Your exam is
an hour late. You’ve FAILED it and, consequently, I’ll see you next term when
you repeat my course.”
The student smiled slyly and asked the professor “Do you know who I am?”
“What?” replied the professor grufly, annoyed that the student showed no sign
of emotion.
The student rephrased the question mockingly, “Do you know what my name is?”
“NO”, snarled the professor.
The student looked the professor dead in the eyes and said slowly, “I didn’t
think so”, as he lifted up one of the stacks half way, shoved his test neatly
into the center of the stack, let the stack fall burying his test in the middle,
turned around, and walked casually out of the huge lecture hall.
Yo mama
Yo mama so dumb that when people said it was chilly outside, she went and got a bowl.
LA Traffic Jam
A guy is driving along the freeway in Los Angeles, and as he reaches
downtown, he finds himself in the middle of a massive traffic jam that is
blocking up five different freeways and sending lines of cars back for
miles in all directions.
After a while, he notices a guy walking from car to car down the freeway,
stopping and talking to people through their car windows.
When the guy reaches him he rolls down his window and says, “Hey! What’s
causing all this delay?”
The guy on the freeways says, “Well, you’re not going to believe this, but
OJ Simpson has sat down in the middle of the freeway intersection up
there, and he’s totally distraught, and he says there’s no way he can ever
pay the $35 million he owes the Goldmans and the Browns, and so he’s
threatened to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire if
people don’t give enough money sufficient to cover the cost of the
judgment. So I’ve taken up a collection to try to end the traffic jam.”
“How much have you gotten so far.”
“About ten gallons.”
Sick Sunday
A little girl and her mother were in church when the girl
started to feel ill.
“Mommy, can we leave now?” asked the girl.
“No.” replied Mom.
“I think I’m gonna throw up.”
“Well go out the front door, walk around the back of the church
and throw up behind a bush.”
A few moments later the girl returned to her seat.
“Did you throw up?” asked Mom.
“Yes.”
“How could you have gone all the way around the church, throw up
and be back here so soon?”
“I didn’t even have to go outside. They have a box right by the
front door that says ‘For the Sick’.”
Dog Named Mypenis
Did you ever stop to wonder what would happen if your dog’s name
was Mypenis?
– Mypenis ate my homework.
– Oh, no! Mypenis is frothing at the mouth!
– Sorry I’m late. I was playing with Mypenis.
– I’m sorry, Officer. I didn’t realize I had to keep Mypenis on
a leash.
– Mypenis doesn’t come when I call it.
– Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests.
– I love giving Mypenis a bath.
– At night, I sleep with Mypenis in my hands.
– Mypenis likes it when people pet him.
– Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty
pounds! me(Rob)
– Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.
– Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?
– Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active.
– I think Mypenis has a mind of its own.
– I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.
– Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction.
– I think Mypenis is getting old because he won’t get excited
anymore. He just plays dead.
– Mypenis got out last night. I think he’s sleeping with the
lady next door.
– If Mypenis was a weinerdog, he would be long and hairy and
hard to carry.
– Mypenis loves to chase pussies in dark alleys.
– Help! I can’t find Mypenis!
– Sorry to be driving so slow, officer, but I was looking for
Mypenis.
– Mypenis gets excited whenever the mailman comes.
– Sorry to be driving so fast, officer. I have to take Mypenis
to the hospital.
– Oh. no! Something bit Mypenis!
What do you call 100 sorority girls bathing
What do you call 100 sorority girls bathing on a beach in Cuba?
Bay of Pigs.
Your Momma is so fat….
when she wears a yellow rain coat people yell taxi
‘PG’ A Y2K solution for database managers
Y2K Solution: ‘Millenium Year Application Software System’ (MYASS) We are currently building a data center that will contain all firm data that is Year 2000 compliant. The program is referred to as: ‘Millenium Year Application Software System’ (MYASS). Next Monday at 9:00 am there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. As for the status of implementation of the program, I have not addressed the networking aspects, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands. Several people are using the program already and have come to depend on it.Just this morning, I walked into a subordinate’s office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS.I’ve noticed that some of the less technical personnel are somewhat afraid of MYASS. Just last week, when asked to enter some information into the program, I had a secretary say to me, ‘I’m a little nervous, I’ve never put anything in MYASS before.’ I volunteered to help her through her first time, and, when we were through, she admitted that it was relatively painless, and that she was actually looking forward to doing it again. She went so far as to say that, after using SAP and ORACLE, she was ready to kiss MYASS. I know there are concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but I am pleased to say the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. We planned this database to encompass all information associated with the business. So as you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want into MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace to walk by an office and see a manager hand a paper to an employee and say, ‘Here, stick this in MYASS’. This program has already demonstrated great benefit to the company during recent OSHA and EPA audits. After requesting certain historical data, the agency representatives were amazed how quickly we provided the information. When asked how the numbers could be retrieved so rapidly, our Environmental Manager proudly stated, ‘Simple, I just pulled them out of MYASS’.