Did you hear about the blonde who thought he discovered that he had a twin
brother?
He didn’t realize he was looking in a mirror.
Author: admin
Jiggle
If your ass was any more jiggly, Bill Cosby would have to stick a spoon in it.
Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake…
Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake were walking along the beach. Suddenly,
Justin says, “Aww, Britney, look at the dead birdie.”
Britney looks up at the sky and says, “Where?!”
Olive
What do you call a woman with a toothpick up her bum?
Olive.
Work signals
a construction worker was trying to call one of his co-workers but due to the loud noise around he decided to throw a bolt at him. he finally got the attention of his co-worker. he then signaled to come up and help him. awkardly the co-worker starts masturbating. furious the construction worker throws a wrench. finally the co-worker goes up and says,”why you throw the wrench at me I was trying to tell you I was coming!”
Distressed
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.
The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.
The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.
Hysterically the blonde screams back at the husband, “Shut up! You’re next!”
The Priest’s Cock
The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens kept in the
hen house out in the back of the parish rectory. He had a cock rooster and about
ten hens. One Saturday night the cock rooster was missing and the priest
suspected that this was the time the cock fights occurred in the village. So he
decided to do something about it at church the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation, “Has anybody got a cock?” All the men
stood up.
“No, No,” he said, “That wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?”
All the women stood up.
“No, No,” he said, “That wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that
doesn’t belong to them?”
Half the women and a quarter of the men stood up.
“No, No,” he said, “That wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?”
All the altar boys stood up.
I’m not saying she’s easy but…
She’s been on her knees more times than Billy Graham.
She’s been laid on more kitchen floors than linoleum.
She’s done more screwing than Black and Decker.
She’s responsible for more merry men than Robin Hood.
She’s turned more tricks than Harry Houdini.
She’s been boarded more times than Amtrak.
She’s been mounted more often than Trigger.
She’s been involved with more animals than Marlin Perkins.
She’s entertained more troops than Bob Hope.
She’s been at more bedsides than Dr. Kildare.
She’s been turned more ways than Rubik’s Cube.
She’s spent more time under men than barstools.
She’s seen more traffic than the George Washington Bridge.
She’s had more turnovers than the International House of
Pancakes.
She’s been under more sheets than the Ku Klux Klan.
She’s had more marines land on her than on Iwo Jima.
Her body has been declared a national recreation area.
Her diaphragms come with a service contract.
She has an IUD with a beeper.
She uses industrial strength douche.
Her gynecologist entered her in the Grand Canyon look-alike
contest.
Her underwear is by Rubbermaid.
Her pantyhose has a pet door.
She was hospitalized for six months when a truck driver mistook
her for the Holland Tunnel.
The W Song
“The Kennebunkport Hillbilly”
(Sung to the tune of the Beverly Hillbillies, of course.)
Come and listen to my story ’bout a boy name Bush.
His IQ was zero and his head was up his tush.
He drank like a fish while he drove all about.
But that didn’t matter ‘cuz his daddy bailed him out.
DUI, that is. Criminal record. Cover-up.
Well, the first thing you know little Georgie goes to Yale.
He can’t spell his name but they never let him fail.
He spends all his time hangin’ out with student folk.
And that’s when he learns how to snort a line of coke.
Blow, that is. White gold. Nose candy.
Well next thing you know there’s a war in Vietnam.
Kin folks say, “George, stay at home with Mom.”
Let the common people get maimed and scarred.
We’ll buy you a spot in the Texas Air Guard.
Cushy, that is. Country clubs. Nose candy.
Twenty years later George gets a little bored.
He trades in the booze, says that Jesus is his Lord.
He said, “Now the White House is the place I wanna be.”
So he called his daddy’s friends and they called the GOP.
Gun owners, that is. Falwell. Jesse Helms.
Come November 7, the election ran late.
Kin folks said “Jeb, give the boy your state!”
“Don’t let those colored folks get into the polls.”
So they put up barricades so they couldn’t punch their holes.
Chads, that is. Duval County. Miami-Dade.
Before the votes were counted five Supremes stepped in.
Told all the voters “Hey, we want George to win.”
“Stop counting votes!” was their solemn invocation.
And that’s how George finally got his coronation.
Rigged, that is. Illegitimate. No moral authority.
Y’all come vote now. Ya hear?
Paid for by the Katherine Harris Foundation for Corrective
Plastic Surgery.
Death in the Family
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.Approaching the friend he comments, “You look terrible. What’s the problem?””My mother died in June,” he said, “and left me $10,000.””Gee, that’s tough,” he replied.”Then in July,” the friend continued, “My father died, leaving me $50,000.””Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.””And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.””Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.””Then this month,” continued, the friend, “nothing!”
Farmers Courting
Young Dave was courting Mabel, who lived on an adjoining farm out west in cattle country. One evening, as they were sitting on Dave’s porch watching the sun go down over the hills, Dave spied his prize bull doing the business on one of his cows. He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the hard word on Mabel.He leaned in close and whispered in her ear, “Mabel, I’d sure like to be doing what that bull is doing.””Well then, why don’t you? “Mabel whispered back. “It is YOUR cow.”
Brain cells grown
Brain cells were grown in a laboratory in Florida…
Now the next step is going to be transplanting them into a California jury.
-David Letterman