Winnie the What?

On a little boys first day of kindergarden his grandpa was
driving him to school. They passed a field of cows and the
little boy said, “Look grandpa, moo moos.” His grandpa said,
“You’re going to kindergarden now, you have to talk like a big
boy. Those are cows.” “Okay grandpa, cows.”

A few minutes later they drove past a train and the little boy
said, “Look grandpa choo choo.” And the grandpa said, “What did
I tell you. You have to talk like a big boy now. That’s a
train.” “Okay grandpa, train.”

Later that day when the little boy got home from school the
grandpa asked, “What did you do in school today?” And the boy
said, “Well we fingerpainted, played with the blocks, had nap
and the teacher read us a story about Winnie The Shit.”

Scuba diving accident

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident,
he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

“We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Jones,
but we have some information about your wife.”

“Well, tell me!” the man said.

The policeman said, “We have some bad news, some good news,
and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?”

Fearing the worse, Mr. Jones said, “Give me the bad news first.”

So the policeman said, “I’m sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning
we found your wife’s body in the San Francisco Bay.”

“Oh my god!” said Mr. Jones, overcome by emotion.
Remembering what the cop had said, he asked, “So what’s the good news?”

“Well,” said the cop, “when we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters
and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her.”

“If that’s the good news, then what’s the great news!?!” he asked.

And the cop replied…
“We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow morning!”