Protozoa are small, and bacteria are small, but viruses are
smaller than the both of ’em put together.
Author: admin
Yo mama so ugly..
Yo momma so ugly, when she goes to the bank they turn the cameras OFF
Chemistry is boring
IT’S OFFICIAL : CHEMISTRY LECTURES ARE A YAWN.October 9, 1995A scientist has come up with proof of something students have known for years — chemistry lectures are boring. In an article published in the current issue of Chemistry in Britain, a university chemistry lecturer introduced a guest lecturer to a class of 50 doctoral candidates.Then, he and his colleagues studied variations in what he calls the HTFDR — “head-to-floor distance reduction.” After about an hour , the average HTFDR dropped from 135cm to 121cm, said the author of the study, who preferred to remain anonymous.The HTFDR immediately bounced back to normal when the speaker uttered the magic words: “And in conclusion . . .”
Yo Mamma so fat…
Yo Mamma is so fat that when she sat on a rainbow Skittles popped out!
Shopping
A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl
in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked
for cookies and her mother told her no. The little girl immediately
began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, “Now Monica, we
just have half of the aisles left to go through – don’t be upset. It
won’t be long.”
Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout
for candy. When told she couldn’t have any, she began to cry. The mother
said, “There, there, Monica, don’t cry – only two more aisles to go and
then we’ll be checking out.”
When they got to the checkout stand, the little girls immediately began
to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering
there’d be no gum purchased. The mother patiently said, “Monica, we’ll
be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home
and have a nice nap.”
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to
compliment her. “I couldn’t help noticing how patient you were with
little Monica,” he began.
The mother replied, “I’m Monica – my little girl’s name is Tammy.”
Late for School?
Teacher: Why are you late to school?
Kevin: Because of the sign.
Teacher: What sign?
Kevin: The one that says, “School Ahead, Go Slow.”
You Should Try To Be More Polite
One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter
took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself.
Tom wasn’t happy about that: “When are you going to learn to be polite?”
Bill: “If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?”
Tom: “The smaller piece, of course.”
Bill: “What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you want,
right?”
Ape
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Ape.
Ape who?
You mean that Hindu guy on “The Simpsons?”
The cop, the horse, and the bicycle
A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
“Nice bike,” the cop said. “Did Santa bring it to you?”
“Yep,” the little girl said, “he sure did!”
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, “Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it.”
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, “Nice horse you got there sir. Did Santa bring it to you?”
“Yes, he sure did,” chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, “Next year tell Santa the huge dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.”
Blood Bank
A guy was running for an elevator and he stuck his hand in to
stop the doors, and the doors opened. Inside stood a blonde. He
said, “Good morning, which floor are you going to?” She
responded, “3rd floor.” He pushed the 3rd floor button, plus the
5th floor for himself.
As the elevator started moving the gentleman struck up a
conversation and asked the blonde where she was going. She said,
“I’m going to the blood bank on the 3rd floor; I donate blood
once a week for $10 to supplement my income.” Then she asked the
gentleman where he was going. He responded, “I’m going to the
sperm bank on the 5th floor; I donate sperm there once a week
for $50 to supplement my income”.
The next week the same scenario happens. He stopped the elevator
doors with his hand, the doors opened and the blonde was
standing inside. He smiled and greeted her and asked if she was
going to the 3rd floor? The lady responded in a garbled tone (as
if she had something in her mouth), “No 5th floor first.”
A very depressed man
There’s a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand seeing a man crying.””No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I’m late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”
Female drivers
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on the shoulder. This evidently pissed the driver off enough that he hung out his window and flipped the woman off. “Man, that guy is stupid” I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here’s why. I drive 38 miles each way, every day, to work. That’s 76 miles, of these, 16 each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway. So, if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane. That’s 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 34 miles is not bumper-to-bumper. I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day. Statistically half of these are driven by females, that’s 18,000. In any given group of females, 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period. That is 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding, that’s 449. According to the National Institutes of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide, that’s 98. And, 34% describe men as their biggest problem, that’s 33. According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and the number is increasing. That means, that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period, and is armed. No matter what she does in traffic, I wouldn’t DREAM of flipping her off.