One day in the Garden

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, “Lord, I have a
problem!”

“What’s the problem, Eve?”

“Lord, I know you’ve created me and have provided this beautiful garden
and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but
I’m just not happy.”

“Why is that, Eve?” came the reply from above.

“Lord, I am lonely. And I’m sick to death of apples.”

“Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for
you.”

“What’s a ‘man’, Lord?”

“This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an
enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All
in all, he’ll give you a hard time. But, he’ll be bigger and faster and
more muscular than you. He’ll be really good at fighting and kicking a
ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in
the sack.”

“Sounds great,” says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

“Yeah, well. He’s better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But,
you can have him on one condition.”

“What’s that, Lord?”

“You’ll have to let him believe that I made him first.”

The Costume Party

A couple was going to a costume party.

The husband was unsure of what costume to wear. His wife was telling him to hurry or they would be late for the party. She was walking down the stairs from the bedroom, completely naked except on her feet were a big old floppy pair of boots.

“Where is your costume?”, the husband asked.

“This is it”, replied his wife.

“What the heck kind of costume is that?” asked the husband.

“Why, I am going as Puss and Boots” explains the wife. “Now hurry and get your costume on.”

The husband went upstairs and was back in about two minutes. He also was completely naked except he had a rose vase slid over his penis.

“What the heck kind of costume is that?” asked the wife.

“I am a fire alarm” he replied.

“A fire alarm?” she repeated laughing.

“Yes” he replied. “In case of fire break the glass, pull twice and I come.”

Luggage Destinations

A student was heading home for the holidays. When she got to the airline counter, she presented her ticket to New York. And as she gave the agent her luggage, she made the remark, “I’d like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii, and my red suitcase to London.”The confused agent said, “I’m sorry, we can’t do that.””Really??? I am so relieved to hear you say that because,… That’s exactly what you did to my luggage last year!”

PINK AND WRINKLY

a 70YEAR OLD MAN NAMED HENRY WAS ABOUT TO MARRY A 23 YEAR OLD GIRL NAMED ETHAL. ETHAL ASKED HENRY TO WASH HER RED NIGHTGOWN SO SHE COULD HAVE IT FOR THE HONEYMOONSO HE DID. AFTER HE WASHED IT HE PUT IN THE DRYER AND STARTED TO TAKE A BATH.ETHAL KNOCKED ON THE DOOR AND ASKED TO ENTER SO SHE COULD GET THE CLOTHES FROM THE DRYER TO PACK FOR THE HONEYMOON.HENRY SAID YES IF YOU DONT PEEK AT ME.ETHAL OPENED THE DRYER PULLED OUT HER NIGHT GOWN AND SAID OH HENRY IT IS ALL PINK AND WRINKLY AND HENRY SAID DAMN IT ETHAL I TOLD YOU NOT TO PEEK!

Ex-Wifes Lawyer

A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm’s senior partner had passed away unexpectedly. “Is Mr. Spenser there?” asked the client on the phone.”I’m very sorry, but Mr. Spenser passed away last night,” the receptionist answered. “Can anyone else help you?”The man paused for a moment, then quietly said ‘no’ and hung up.Ten minutes later, he called again and asked for Mr. Spenser, his ex-wife’s lawyer.The receptionist said, “You just called a few minutes ago, didn’t you? Mr. Spenser has died. I’m not making this up.” The man again hung up.Fifteen minutes later, he called a third time and asked for Mr. Spenser. The receptionist was irked by this time. “I’ve told you twice already, Mr. Spenser is dead. He is not here! Why do you keep asking for him when I say he’s dead? Don’t you understand what I’m saying?”The man replied, “I understand you perfectly. I just like hearing you say it over and over.”

Free advice at social affairs?

A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and remarked, “I never know how to handle the situation when I’m asked for medical advice during a social function. Is it acceptable to send a bill for such advice?” The lawyer replied that it was certainly acceptable to do so.The next day, the doctor sent the ulcer-stricken man a bill. The lawyer also sent one to the doctor.

New Elements for the Periodic Table

In a recent contest, The Washington Post asked readers to dream up new
elements for the Periodic Table. Among the best of the batch:

Limbaughium Lb The heaviest known element. It possesses an ever-expanding
mass. Very white. Acidic. Emits heat but no light. Instantly polarizes all
elements that come in contact with it. Repels protons and electrons;
attracts only morons.

Billclintium Bc With a slick appearance and slimy texture, this element
undergoes a series of interesting changes when in hot water.

Canadium Eh Similar to Americium, but a little denser. Much more rigid.
Often called Boron.

Innofensium Pc Precisely equal numbers of electrons, protons, neutrons,
leptons, quarks.Completely inert, utterly useless, but smells like a rose.

Newtium Nt Extreme irritant. Carries a strong negative charge. Does not
possess magnetic properties. Can be purchased cheaply.

Quaylium Vp Einsteinium it ain’t.

Budweisium Ps Has no taste or smell; is often indistinguishable from water.

Cabmium Cb Found in abundance, except when needed. Exists in two states,
in motion and at rest. When in motion, it cannot be stopped, no matter
what you do. Cabmium has a charge associated with it. The charge is
variable, and scientists have not determined the formula for calculating
it.

Politicium Po Contains a great deal of gas. Similar to radon in that it
can reach lethal concentrations in the House.

Congress Cg Atomic number 525. Can never be found in a solution.