With Dick Cheney and John Ashcroft running the country, George W. Bush found
himself without anything to do, so he decided to paint the Oval Office.
After spending the day on the phone with Madame Cleo, Laura Bush enters the
office in the late afternoon to find George lying on the floor in a pool of
sweat. She notices that George was wearing both a fur-lined parka and the
London Fog Overcoat she had bought him for Christmas. She asks what he is
doing.
He replies that he wanted to prove that he could be useful and he wanted to do
it by painting the room.
Laura tells him that she is impressed at the good job he had done, but what’s
with wearing the two coats?
George replies that he was reading the directions on the paint can and it
said, ”FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS!”
Author: admin
Reasons to own a cat over a dog
* Cats rule. Dogs drool.* Cats rub your leg when they want affection, not when they’re horny.* Cats use a litter box. Dogs use your leg.* In 1996, over 10,000 US deaths were attributed to a dog owner’s choking on saliva during morning wake-up licks.* Cats always land on their feet. Dogs won’t even let you throw them.* Cats let you kick them when you’re stressed out.* Cats will wait until you’ve read your morning paper before tearing it to shreds.* Cats look cute sleeping on the TV. Dogs crash right in front of the screen.* No one has ever had to “Beware of the Cat.”* Cats bury their crap. Dogs dig up others’.* Cats have better things to do than stick their nose in your crotch.* Cats lay on the car in the heat. Dogs in heat lay the car.* Why do you think they call it “Dog Breath?”* Garfield. Odie. Enough said.
Memory
An elephant is drinking out of a river when he spots a turtle asleep on a log.
The elephant ambles over and kicks the unsuspecting turtle clear across the river.
“Why did you do that?” asks a passing giraffe.
“Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 47 years ago.”
“Wow, what a memory!” says the giraffe.
“Yes,” says the elephant. “Turtle recall.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Gay bar
This man walks into a Gay Bar not knowing it’s a gay bar and sits down at a table some gay guy walks up to him and says “Wanna play football”
The man says okay and thay go behind the bar the gay guy says “alright a burp is a touch down and a fart is a field goal.
So the man says I’m goin’ for the feild goal and the gay guy gets a small grin on his face, the man bends over and is about to fart and the gay guy butt f***s him the man goes what the hell why you do that.
The gay guy says I was trying to block your field goal.
Marry Farmer Jones
Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed.
With a low voice he sad to his wife: “When I’m dead I want you to marry farmer Jones.”
Wife: “No, I can’t marry anyone after you.”
Johnson: “But I want you to.”
Wife: “But why?”
Johnson: “Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!”
The Farmer and His Helper
A farmer who hired a man to help him with work around the farm.
The first day the farmer told the man to mow the lawn. While he
was mowing the lawn he saw a cat in the middle of the lawn. He
kicked the cat but it wouldn’t move. He kicked it three more
times and it still wouldn’t move. So he ran over the cat with
the lawn mower. The farmer was not happy when he heard what
happened.
The next day the man told him to nail up his fence. While he was
nailing it he found a rooster sitting on it. He pushed the
rooster four times but it wouldn’t move. So he nailed it to the
fence. When the farmer got the story, he was very mad and warned
the hired man that he has just can not screw up again.
The next day the man told him to paint his fence red. He found a
donky laying by the fence, covering the botom part of it. He
kicked the donkey four times but he wouldn’t move. So he painted
over it.
By this time the farmer was furious. He took the man to court.
When the judge asked what happened, the farmer complained, “This
man is crazy! He ran over my wife’s pussy with his mower. He
nailed my cock to the fence. And he painted my ass red!”
Trouble
A man was reading the paper one day when an ad cought his eye.
it said, “Brand new Porsche, red with white leather interior for
sale only 100 dollars.” The man thought to himself its very
unusual to find a Porsche for sale for only 100 dollars but he
decided it was worth a shot. Sure enough the lady had the
Porsche for sale for only 100 dollars and it was almost new. He
asked if he could take it for a test drive and found the the car
drove perfectly. He went back to the lady’s house and asked why
she was selling the car for so little money. She said, “My
husband ran away with his secretary and said that I could keep
everything. I just had to sell his car and give the mouney to
him.”
“I feel schizophrenic; first he says ‘open…
“I feel schizophrenic; first he says ‘open your mouth,’ then he says ‘keep
it closed.'”
– Monica Lewinski
Air Conditioning in Hell
The Pope, Billy Graham and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash
over the Atlantic Ocean. Tragically, they all died and went to the Pearly
Gates together.
“Oh, this is terrible,” exclaimed St. Peter, “I know you guys think we
summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen.
We were going to help all of you land once you got to where you were
going.” St. Peter was fretting, “Your quarters just aren’t ready. We can’t
take you in just yet and we can’t send you back.”
Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, “Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey,
I’ve got these three guys up here. They’re ours, but we weren’t expecting
them. We gotta fix the place up for ’em. I was hoping you could put them
up for a while. It’ll only be for a couple of days. I’ll owe you one.”
Reluctantly, the Devil agreed.
Two days later, Lucifer called St. Pete. “Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey, you
gotta come get these three clowns.” “What’s wrong?” Asked St. Peter.
“Well, this Pope guy is forgiving everybody. The Graham fellow is saving
everybody. And Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air
conditioning.”
Communists 2
Q: How many Communists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One, but it takes him about 30 years to realize that the old one has burnt out.
What
What you call your child when you’re mad at him.
Ducharme’s Precept: Opportunity always
Ducharme’s Precept: Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.