Author: admin

blondes

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what reindeer laughed at rudolf?

olive………(say this out loud) ALL OF the other raindeer,
used to laugh and call him names……….

one day, a blonde brunett and redhead all were in a elevator.
they all noticed something white on the floor. well the redhead
put her head down and said, “i have no idea what it is.” then
the redhead put her head down, and said, “i think its cum.”
After that remark, the blonde put her head down, tasted it, and
said, ” well its no one in this building!”

a blonde, brunett and redhead were all about to get killed. The
redhead was called up, and the killer asked if she had any final
words. she said no, and the killer was about to shoot her, when
she said TORNADO! so the man looked around panicly, and gave the
redhead enough time to run away. then the brunett was called up,
and the killer asked if she had any final words and she said no.
So he said, “ready, set -” but the brunett interuped him by
saying earthquake!! so the killer got down under a table, giving
the girl enough time to run away. Finally the blonde was called
over. the killer asked if she had any final words, but she said
no. So the killer said, ” Ready, Set -” and the blonde shouted
FIRE!!!

great white settlers

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When the first settlers in the ‘Great White North’ were trying think of a name for their great, white, northern country, they experienced a bit of ‘founders’ block’ and couldn’t come up with anything impressive enough. They cogitated and rubbed their skulls a bit more, and decided on a plan. The founders wrote each letter of the alphabet on a little piece of paper. Next, they dumped them into a hat and scrambled them up. One volunteered to wear a blindfold, dug into the hat and picked out a piece of paper. The fellow then handed it to another, who read it aloud. The meeting transpired like this: ‘C…eh? N…eh? D…eh?’ …and everyone shouted, ‘That’s it!!!, eh?’

Amusing Word Re-definitions

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Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.

Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.

Un tipo mezquino, que le

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Un tipo mezquino, que le ha prometido a su hija un viaje en avioneta como regalo de cumplea�os, est� negociando con el piloto:

“�Cu�nto me cobra por dar un paseo de una hora?”

“Quinientos pesos”.

“Uf, eso es mucho dinero. �Y si s�lo es media hora?”

“Por media hora, doscientos cincuenta”.

“�Chin, doscientos cincuenta! �No tiene nada m�s barato?”

“Pues mire, podemos hacer un trato: si usted se sube a la avioneta y es capaz de estar completamente callado durante todo el vuelo, no le cobro un peso”.

“Trato hecho”.

Se suben los tres al aeroplano, y el piloto comienza a hacer malabarismos: rizos, ca�das en picado, el avi�n panza arriba, panza abajo. Sin embargo, el taca�o permanec�a mudo. Por fin, el piloto se cansa y aterriza.

“�Oiga, me tiene usted asombrado. Mire que hice cosas peligrosas con la avioneta y usted no pronuncio ni una palabra!”

“Si quiere que le diga la verdad, estuve a punto de gritar cuando se cay� la nena”.

Pray for McDonalds

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A Mother and her five year old son were headed to McDonald’s one day. On the way they passed a car accident.

As was the tradition when they see
something terrible like that, they say a prayer for those who might be hurt.

The mother pointed and said to her son, “We should pray.”

From the back seat she heard his earnest request: “Please, God, don’t let those cars block the entrance to
McDonald’s.”

chet the bird

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One day a man went to a pet store to buy his wife a christmas
present. “Can i help you?” said the pet salesman. “yes I’m
looking for a bird for my wife for Christmas. She love birds.”
“I suggest this one sir, his name is chet when you stick a
lighter to his right foot he sings.” so the man stuck a lighter
under chets right foot. He started to sing “Jingle bells jingle
bells, jingle all the way…” When you stick a lighter under his
left for he sings a different song. So the man stuck a lighter
under chets left foot and he sang “Deck the hall with bows of
holly…” Wow said the man I’ll take him. Christmas came around
and the man gave chet to his wife. She listened to him sing
jingle bells and deck the halls. “Hun, I love him,” she said.
“But what happens when you put the lghter between both feet?” “I
dont know lets find out.” So they stuck the lighter between both
of his feet and he sang “Chets nuts roasting on an open fire…”

Holiday Banana Bread

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Holiday Banana Bread:

Ingredients: 2 laughing eyes, 2 loving arms, 2 well shaped legs, 2 firm milk containers, 1 fur-lined mixing bowl, 1 large banana

Instructions: 1 – look into laughing eyes and hold loving arms.

2 – Spread well shaped legs slowly.

3 – Squeeze & massage milk containers until the fur-lined mixing bowl is well greased, check with middle finger.

4 – Add banana, work up and down until well creamed.

5 – Lower nuts and sigh with relief, when banana is soft, bread is done!

6 – Be sure to wash mixing utensils, but “do not lick the bowl.” NOTE: If bread rises, leave town.

Why I’m so Tired

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For a couple years I’ve been blaming it on iron deficient blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I found out the real reason. I’m tired because I’m overworked.

  • The population of this country is 237 million.
  • 104 million are retired.
  • That leaves 133 million to do the work.
  • There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work.
  • Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
  • This leaves 19 million to do the work.
  • Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.
  • Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.
  • There are 188,000 ill and in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
  • Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.

And you’re sitting there reading jokes on your email!!!