What was Monica’s official statement about the whole sex scandal?
It really left a bad taste in my mouth.
Author: admin
Coordinates
There was once a very smart horse. Anything that was shown it, it mastered
easily, until one day, its teachers tried to teach it about rectangular
coordinates and it couldn’t understand them. All the horse’s acquaintances and
friends tried to figure out what was the matter and couldn’t. Then a new guy
looked at the problem and said,
“Of course he can’t do it. Why, you’re putting Descartes before the horse!”
The Blue Eye
One day, a man had an accident at work, which resulted in him getting his eye
gouged out. He was rushed to hospital, and, after awaking from an emergency
operation, was told by the doctor that he’d been given a glass eye. The man
looked in the mirror to see the result, and was shocked to see that, whereas his
original eye color was blue, his new glass eye was brown. The man was outraged.
”I can’t walk around like this!!”
“Sir,” the doctor said, “there is a severe shortage on blue eyes. We had to
give you a brown one. If somehow you can get hold of a blue eye, and bring it
here to the hospital, we will happily fit it for you.”
A few weeks later, the man was driving home from work late one night during a
big storm. Suddenly, the car in front of him lost control and skidded off the
road before finally hitting a tree. The man screeched to a halt, and ran down
the embankment to see if he could help. He found the driver of the car sprawled
out over the wreckage, dead as a doornail…with a blue glass eye! As it was so
late at night and during such a big storm, no one was about. So the man
proceeded to get a screwdriver and removed one of the deceased man’s blue eyes,
replacing it with his brown glass eye. He raced down to the local hospital to
have the replacement blue eye fitted. A few days later, the man was driving
along the same stretch of road when he saw the police examining the crash scene
and towing the car wreck away. Concerned to find out if the police were on to
him, the man decided to go over to try and see if the police had any leads.
”Excuse me, sir,” said the policeman. “Do you know anything about this at
all?”
”No, constable”, said the man.
”Well, we can’t figure this out. Somehow, this bloke managed to drive 40
miles with two glass eyes!”
On his Deathbed
A man on his deathbed called for his worthless lawyer and his doctor to stand on each side of his bed. When they arrived, he simply closed his eyes and waited.
The doctor, impatient, asked what he had in mind.
Well, Jesus died between two thieves. I thought I would do the same.
A Lightbulb and Pregnant Woman
Whats the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?
You can unscrew a lightbulb.
Passion for Beans
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a maddening passion for baked beans. He loved then. but he always had a very embarassing and somewhat lively reaction to them. Then, one day, he met a girl and fell in love with her. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she is a sweet and gentle girl and will never go for this kind of carrying on. So, he made the supreme sacrafice and gave up the beans.
The were married thereafter. Some months later, his car broke down on the way home from work and since they lived in the country, he called her and told her that he would be late getting home because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the odor of freshly baked beans was overwhelming. Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured that he would work off any effects before reaching home, so he stopped at the cafe. Before leaving, he had eaten three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home, he put-putted and after arriving, felt reasonably sure that he had putted his last. His wife seemed somewhat agitated and excited to see him and exclaimed: Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for dinner tonight. She then blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the head of the table. He seated himself and just as she was ready to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She made him vow that he would not touch the blindfold until she returned. Then she went to answer the phone.
Seizing the opportunity, he shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but as ripe as a rotten egg. He took the napkin from his lap and vigorously fanned the air around him. Things had just about returned to normal, when he felt the urge come on again, so he shifted his weight to the other leg and let go again.
This was a true prize winner. While keeping his ear on the phone, he went on like this for 10 minutes, until he knew the phone farewell indicated the end of his freedom. He placed the napkin in his lap and folded his hands on top of it and smiling contently to himself was the perfect picture on innocence.
When his wife returned she asked if he had peeked and he said no. At that point, she removed the blindfold and revealed his surprise.
Twelve dinner guests seated around the table for a birthday party for him.
Erotic Sales
There was a red head, a brunette, and a blonde all in an adults only erotic shop.The red head walks up to the counter and tells the man that she would like the red vibrator.He takes it down off the shelf and says “ok that’ll be twenty dollars.” She pays and goes off on her merry way.The brunette walks up to the man and says that she would like the yellow vibrator.He take the yellow one off the shelf and says “ok, miss, that’ll be twenty dollars.”She pays and goes off on her merry way.The blonde walks over to the man blushes and says “yes, sir, I would like the plaid one please.” The man turns around to see the “plaid vibrator” and smiling, says “that’ll be 75 dollars.”The blonde pays and goes off on her merry way.The owner of the store comes in and asks the man how the sales were that day.He replies, “Well, I sold a red and a yellow vibrator for 20 dollars each, and i sold your thermos to some lady for 75 bucks!”submitted by: Emily
Rude Doctor!
Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife’s been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs in to the ER and says his wife’s been in an accident.
They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case and they page the doctor.
Doc comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.
“Mr. Jones?” the doctor asks.
“Yes sir, what’s happened? How is my wife?”
The doctor sits next to him and says, “Not good news. Your wife’s accident resulted in two fractures of her spine.”
“Oh my God” says Mr. Jones, “what will be her prognosis?”
“Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. She’ll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her.”
Mr. Jones begins to sob.
“And you’ll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia.”
Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly.
“Then, of course,” the doctor continued, “you’ll have to diaper her as she’ll have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day.”
Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.
The doctor continues: “And you’ll have to clean up her feces on a regular basis as she’ll have no control over her sphincters. Her bowel will engorge whenever and quite often I’m afraid. Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she’ll be emitting regularly.”
Now Mr. Jones is convulsing and sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.
Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder and says –
“Hey, I’m just messinging with you, dude…
You don’t have to do all that stuff – she’s dead!”
What You Got?
A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him
and says, “What’ll it be buddy?”
The man says, “Set me up with five whiskey shots, and make ‘me doubles.”
The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then
the next, and so on until all five are gone almost as quickly as they were
served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he’s doing’ all this
drinking.
“You’d drink ‘me this fast too if you had what I have.”
The bartender hastily asks, “What do you have pal?”
The man quickly replies, “I only have a dollar�.
The World’s Shortest Books
25. “My plan to find the real killers” by OJ Simpson
24. “To all the men I’ve loved before” by Ellen DeGeneres
23. “The Book of Virtues” by Bill Clinton
22. The Difference between Reality and Dilbert
21. Human Rights Advances in China
20. “Things I Wouldn’t Do for Money” by Dennis Rodman
19. Al Gore: The Wild Years
18. Amelia Earhart’s Guide to the Pacific Ocean
17. Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
16. America’s Most Popular Lawyers
15. Detroit – A Travel Guide
14. Different Ways to Spell “Bob”
13. Dr. Kevorkian’s Collection of Motivational Speeches
12. Easy UNIX
11. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
10. Everything Men Know About Women
9. Everything Women Know About Men
8. French Hospitality
7. George Foreman’s Big Book of Baby Names
6. “How to Sustain a Musical Career” by Art Garfunkel
5. Mike Tyson’s Guide to Dating Etiquette
4. One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
3. Staple Your Way to Success
2. The Amish Phone Directory
1. The Engineer’s Guide to Fashion
Confused?
How do you confuse a blonde?
Put her on the middle of a war and say duck!
How does the blonde confuse you?
1. Says “where””!
2. Comes back alive!
How does an Iraqi blonde (died hair) confuse you?
Tells you “”we won the war””
“
I left money
A husband left for work. He walked out from the multi-story apartment house
where he lived on the sixth floor, and remembered that he forgot money for
lunch. He shouted to his wife, “Masha! I left money. Please, drop fifty kopeks
for me!”
The wife walked to the balcony and said, “Always you forget something. With
you, nothing is right, you dunderhead.” Still, she went into the apartment,
found fifty kopeks in several small coins and shouted, “How can I drop these
coins? They will scatter all over the street.”
“No problem,” the husband said. “Just wrap them in a three-ruble bill.”