Two old drunks were lapping them up at a bar. The first one says, “Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn’t bend it with both hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I’m gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand.” “So”, says the second drunk, “What’s yer point?” “Well”, says the first, “I’m just wondering how much stronger I’m gonna get!”
Author: admin
Government Employee&
A State Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what’s in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp.”This will look nice on my mantelpiece,” he decides, and takes it home with him.While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes.”I wish for an ice cold diet pepsi right now!” He gets his pepsi and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish.”I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside.” Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish: “I wish I’d never have to work ever again.”POOF!He’s back in his government office.
Song Titles
“If the bed breaks, Sweetheart, I’ll see you in the Spring”
“Get out the meat balls Mama, there’s a fork in the road”
“I’m sorry I made you cry, but at least your face is cleaner”
“Whistling through the knot hole in Grannies wooden leg”
“Where did Robinson Crusoe go with Friday on Saturday Night”
This last one is a real song:
“Every Saturday night they’d go out for a roam, And every Sunday morning
they’d come straggling home…”
A true Story????
A water leak had developed in the galley of an airliner on the long trans-pacific flight to Manila. Water eventually soaked the carpet throughout the aft cabin of the 747. A very sleepy woman, who had become aware of the dampness,tugged at a flight attendant’s skirt as she passed by. ‘Has it been raining?’ she asked, blinking sleepily.The flight attendant, keeping a straight face, gently replied: ‘Yes, but we put the top up,’ and patted the woman’s sholder.With a nod, a smile and a sigh of relief, the woman went back to sleep.
Uses resources
Uses resources well: Delegates everything.Uses time effectively: Clock watcher.Very creative: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
The Top 13 Topics for The Top 5 List in the Year 2098
13. Top 5 Reasons Dick Clark’s Hair Is Still Brown
12. Top 5 Signs Adam Sandler is Too Old to be Re-elected President
11. Top 5 Signs Your Galactiball Team Won’t Beat the Ganymede Cosmobots This Astroyear
10. Top 5 Strom Thurmond Campaign Slogans
9. Top 5 Revived Walt Disney Pet Peeves
8. Top 5 Surprises on The Rolling Stones New Tour
7. Top 5 Signs You, Too, Might Be a Distant Relative of William Jefferson Clinton
6. Top 5 Ways To Tell Your Parents You’re Straight
5. Top 5 Benefits of the USA/Microsoft Merger
4. Top 5 Reasons to Pull the Life Support on the 110-Year-Old Olsen Twins
3. Top 5 Signs You Went Outside Without Your 250 SPF Sunblock
2. Top 5 Things You Don’t Want to Find in Your Dinner Pill
1. Top 5 Signs Your Roommate’s Sexdroid is in the Shop
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ] [ The Top 5 List [email protected] http://www.topfive.com ]Golfing picnic
I’ve finally decided to accept my weakness as a golfer.
From now on, I’m taking a picnic lunch and a blanket, and when I get in a sand trap I’m going to enjoy it!
Your biggest ambition in live
Your biggest ambition in live is to “git that big ole coon. The one what hangs ’round over yonder, back’ah Bubba’s barn…”You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.You’ve been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
Nurse Doctor Doctor Nurse
Nurse: Doctor, Doctor, there’s an invisible man in the waiting room!
Doctor: Well, go in there and tell him I can’t see him!!
Blow
Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Blow.
Blow who?
me.
Over The Counter
A middle aged man walks into a Wal-Mart and asks where the
pharmacy counter is. After being guided in its direction, he
asks to see the pharmacist. The pharmacist comes out and the
man, looking around furtively, asks quietly, “Do you sell Viagra
here?”
The pharmacist answers firmly, “Yes, sir. We certainly do.”
The man then says, “Do you think I could get it over the
counter?”
The pharmacist looks at him for a moment and then says, “Perhaps
if you took 5 or 6 pills at once you might.”
A Mexican bandit made a
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time, robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, DEAD or ALIVE!
A trigger happy, young, enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track down the bandit on his own and collect the reward. After a lengthy search, the Ranger tracked the bandit to his favorite cantina and snuck up behind him. At the sound of the Ranger’s guns cocking and preparing to fire, the surprised bandit sped around only to see both of the Ranger’s six-shooters bearing down on him.
The Ranger announced, ”You’re under arrest! Tell me where you hid the loot or I’ll drop you where you stand,” his finger becoming itchy on the trigger.
However, the bandit didn’t speak English and the Ranger didn’t speak Spanish. Fortunately for the Ranger, a bilingual lawyer was present in the cantina and translated the Ranger’s demand to the bandit. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried next to an old oak tree behind the cantina.
”What did he say, what did he say?”, the Ranger hurriedly asked.
To which the lawyer replied, ”Well, the best I can make out he said … DRAW!”