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Execution

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Three women are about to be executed. One’s a brunette, one’s a redhead, and one’s a blonde.
The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, “Ready!…Aim!! …”

Suddenly the brunette yells, “EARTHQUAKE!!!” Everyone is startled and looks around. She escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no and the executioner shouts, “Ready! … Aim!!…”

Suddenly the redhead yells, “TORNADO!!!” Everyone is startled and looks around. She escapes.

By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, Ready! … Aim!! …”

…and the blonde yells, “FIRE!!!”

The Texas Hillbilly

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(Sing along to the tune of Beverly Hillbillies)

Come and listen to my story ’bout a boy named Bush.
His IQ was zero and his head was up his tush.
He drank like a fish while he drove all about.
But that didn’t matter ‘cuz his daddy bailed him out.
DUI, that is.
Criminal record.
Cover-up.

Well, the first thing you know little Georgie goes to Yale.
He can’t spell his name but they never let him fail.
He spends all his time hangin’ out with student folk.
And that’s when he learns how to snort a line of coke.
Blow, that is.
White gold.
Nose candy.

The next thing you know there’s a war in Vietnam.
Kin folks say, “George, stay at home with Mom.”
Let the common people get maimed and scarred.
We’ll buy you a spot in the Texas Air Guard.
Cushy, that is.
Country clubs.
Nose candy.

Twenty years later George gets a little bored.
He trades in the booze, says that Jesus is his Lord.
He said, “Now the White House is the place I wanna be.”
So he called his daddy’s friends and they called the GOP.
Gun owners, that is.
Falwell.
Jesse Helms.

Come November 7, the election ran late.
Kin folks said “Jeb, give the boy your state!”
“Don’t let those colored folks get into the polls.”
So they put up barricades so they couldn’t punch their holes.
Chads, that is.
Duval County.
Miami-Dade.

Before the votes were counted five Supremes stepped in.
Told all the voters “Hey, we want George to win.”
“Stop counting votes!” was their solemn invocation.
And that’s how George finally got his coronation.
Rigged, that is.
Illegitimate.
No moral authority.

Y’all come vote now, ya hear?

Signs you have a hangover

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You’re convinced that chirping birds are Satan’s pets.

Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to
“stay still�.

Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a
glass of fresh paint.

You’d rather have a pencil jammed up your nose than be exposed to sunlight.

You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.

You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible
praying in a fetal position.

The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, “Step right up, and
give it whirl!”

All day long your motto is, “Never again�.

You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.

Your natural response to “Good morning�, is “Shut up!”

Yard Work Sign Language

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Yard Work Sign Language

A couple is doing yard work and the wife goes to take a shower. Her husband is looking for a rake and can’t find it. He yells up to his wife, ‘Where’s the rake?’

She replies by nodding her arms like she can’t hear.

So he points to his eye (I), hits his knee (need), then makes raking motions.

She replies by pointing to her eye, grabbing her left breast, slapping her ass, then rubbing her crotch. He runs upstairs and says, ‘What?!’

She says, ‘I left tit behind the bush.’

Directionally Impaired

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A couple was relating their vacation experiences to a friend. “It sounds as if you had a great time in Texas,” the friend observed. “But didn’t you tell me you were planning to visit Colorado?”
“Well,” the husband said, “we changed our plans because, uh…”

His wife cut in, “Oh, tell the truth, Fred!”

Fred was completely silent.

After a long pause, the wife continued, “You know, it’s just ridiculous! Fred simply will not ask for directions!”

Punishment

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A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil.

As he passed sulphurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.

‘That’s unfair!’ he cried. ‘I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman.’

‘Shut up,’ barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork.
‘Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?’

Dos compadres quieren llegar hasta

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Dos compadres quieren llegar hasta el �ltimo piso de un edificio. Adentro del elevador los compadres miran a un negrote grandote todo sudado que se encargaba de operar el elevador.Lo peor del caso es que los compadres eran unos mexicanos bajados de la sierra a tamborazos y chanclazos (con suela marca “Firestone”) que se soprendieron al ver a la gente entrar y salir del elevador.

Uno de los compadres, asustado, le dice al otro: “Mira g�ey, entran 2 personas y salen 4, no manchis mejor me voy por las escaleras”.

El otro compadre le dice: “No te asustes, compa, no creo que nada malo pase”.

As� que los compadres se llenaron de valor y entraron al elevador. Cuando los compadres estaban dentro del elevador, lo primero que el negro les pregunta es: “�A cual piso?”

Uno de los compadres mira la puerta cerrarse y le dice al otro: “Ya ves g�ey te dije, ni que fueramos gallinas.”

Y ese mismo compadre le contesta al negro:

“�A mi compadre primero!”