your momas so stupid she failed recess
Author: admin
Comfortable
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their chequebook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch, where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, ”When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.”
The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, ”I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.”
The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, ” It’s just 99 cents a word.” Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, ”I want you to send her the word, ‘comfortable.”’ The telegraph operator shakes his head. ”How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, ‘comfortable?'”
The brunette explains, ”My sister’s blonde. She’ll read it slow.”
Honeymoon Problems
A couple returned from their honeymoon and it’s obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom’s best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong.”Well,” replied the man “when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking.””Oh, you shouldn’t worry about that too much,” said his friend.”I’m sure your wife will get over it soon enough – she can’t expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!”The groom nodded gently and said, “I don’t know if I can get over this though… She gave me $20 change!”
FAT MAMMA
Yo mamma is so fat…
1)She stepped on a scale and it said -To be continued!-
2)When she sits down she is three times taller!
3)When she put on a yellow dress everyone yelled -TAXI! TAXI!-
4)When she went swimming in the ocean in a black bathing suit everyone thought she was an oil spill!
Blonde History Lesson.
A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.
“Would you mind telling me, Doctor,” she asked, “how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?”
“That’s easy,” he replied. “You ask them a simple question which everyone should be able to answer with no trouble. If they hesitate, that puts you on the right track.”
“What sort of question would you ask Doctor?”
“Well, you might ask them…”
“Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them.
Which one?”
The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh –
“You wouldn’t happen to have another example would you?”
“I must confess I don’t know much about history.”
(DOH!)
The Polish Passenger
A Polish man was taking a flight on a commercial airliner. The airliner had 4
engines, which is quite normal. About an hour into the flight, a loud BOOM
occurred.
The flight attendant came over the intercom and said, “Ladies and gentlemen,
we have blown an engine, but there is no need to worry. We still have three
engines, I repeat, we still have three engines.”
Everyone stayed calm.
About another hour later, another boom.
The flight attendant comes over the intercom. “Ladies and gentlemen, we have
blown another engine, but there is no need to worry! We still have two more
engines to go!”
The people stayed calm.
An hour later, the same situation. Now only one engine remained.
Then, the Polish man stood up and said out loud, “Man! If this keeps up, we
could be up here all day!”
Blonde v. Mosquito
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A: A mosquito quits sucking after you hit it.
Bashing The Sexes!
Q: What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.
Q: What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 min.
Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A: Sexual Harassment
Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute.
Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A: The sex is the same, but you get the remote.
Q: What’s it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist
down?
A: Marriage
Q: How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they just sit there in the dark and complain.
Q: What’s the fastest way to a man’s heart?
A: Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Q: What have men and floor tiles got in common?
A: If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all
over them for life.
Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive,
caring and good-looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q: Why are men like public toilets?
A: Because all the good ones are engaged and the only ones left
are full of crap.
Q: What is a man’s view of safe sex?
A: A padded headboard.
Q: How do men sort their laundry?
A: “Filthy” and “Filthy but wearable”
Q: What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no
intention of driving.
Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A: A golden retriever.
Q: Why do men want to marry virgins?
A: They can’t stand criticism.
Q: Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A: The guy who can have a cup of coffee in each hand and still
carry a dozen donuts.
Q: Who is the most popular woman at the nudist colony?
A: The woman who ate the last donut.
Q: What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A: A battery has a positive side.
Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive,
caring, and good-looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q: A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in third grade.
Who has the biggest breasts?
A: The blonde, because she’s 18.
Q: Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
A: When you take it off you wonder where the breasts went.
Q: Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
A: Two mothers-in-law.
Q: Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A: He died laughing before he could tell anybody
Hard to start
How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They’re hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don’t work!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
A
A man who can take women or leave them
–
and prefers to do both.
How many programmers does it take to screw…
How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. It’s a hardware problem.
Clovis’ Consideration of an Atmospheric
Clovis’ Consideration of an Atmospheric Anomaly: The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated than by the fact that, when exposed to the same atmosphere, bread becomes hard while crackers become soft.