Retirement

Now that they are retired, my mother and father are discussing all aspects of
their future. “What will you do if I die before you do?” Dad asked Mom.

After some thought, she said that she’d probably look for a house sharing
situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger
than herself, since she is so active for her age.

Then Mom asked Dad, “What will you do if I die first?”

He replied, “Probably the same thing.”

Winnie the poo

The kindergarten kids had graduated to the infant class. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten.

She told them to use grown-up words instead of baby words. She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer.

The first little one said he went to see his Nana.

The teacher said, ‘No, no, you went to see your grandmother. Use the grown-up word.’

The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo. The teacher again said, ‘No, no, you went on a trip on a train. That’s the grown-up word.’

Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the summer. He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read. He puffed out his chest and, in a very adult way, replied, ‘Winnie the Shit.’

Redneck quickies 27

You might be a rednack if…

Your wife gets a hunting license so you can tag your second buck.

You have all the “Dukes of Hazzard” episodes on tape.

You can give a summary of all the “Dukes of Hazzard” episodes.

You think that Roe v. Wade is a decision you make when crossing the creek.

It takes you and 31 others in the same room to show off a full set of teeth.

You’ve ever stood outside a K-mart for more than an hour arguing with the manager about the shirt and shoes law.

You’ve ever gone Christmas shopping at the dollar store.

You think the tobacco companies have done nothing wrong.

You’ve ever shoplifted Spam.

You don’t understand why Bo and Luke never tried to get it on with Daisy.

Your son has ever stolen disected frogs from Biology class so that your family won’t go hungry.

You prefer the Sears catolog to Charmin.

Your blood alcohol content has ever exceeded your I.Q.

You think deer hunting should be an olympic sport.

You have a set of 16 matching salad bowls, and they all say “Cool Whip” on the side.

You have to call the police more than once a week to remove your drunk mother-in-law from your front lawn.

Your name is Billy Joe Jim Bob III.

You ever spent the night in the bed of your truck rather than paying for a motel room.

None of your zippers have all their teeth either.

You are driving the car you were conceived in.

You’ve ever used scissors on food.

Fly Drop

A fly was 6 inches above a river.
A fish was watching the fly,
If the fly dropped 6 inches the fish would eat the fly.
A Bear was watching the same fly,
If the fly dropped 6 inches the fish would eat the fly and the
bear would eat the fish.
A hunter was watching the same fly,
If the fly dropped the fish would eat the fly, the bear would
eat the fish and the hunter would shoot the bear.
A mouse was watching the fly,
If the fly dropped the fish would eat the fly, the bear would
eat the fish, the hunter would shoot the bear, and the mouse
would steal the hunter’s cheese.
A cat was watching the fly,
If the fly dropped the fish would eat the fly, the bear would
eat the fish, the hunter would shoot the bear, the mouse would
steal the hunter’s cheese and the cat would eat the mouse.
The fly dropped 6 inches, the fish ate the fly, the bear ate the
fish, the hunter shot the bear, the mouse stole the cheese and
the cat ate the mouse and fell in the water.

Moral:Whenever a fly dropps 6 inches You’ll always find a Wet
Pussy!

Run Through the Rain

She must have been 6 years old, this beautiful, brown haired,
freckled-faced image of innocence. Her mom looked like someone
from the Walton’s or a moment captured by Norman Rockwell. Not
that she was old-fashioned. Her brown hair was ear length with
enough curl to appear natural. She had on a pair of tan shorts
and light blue knit shirt. Her sneakers were white with a blue
trim. She looked like a mom.

It was pouring outside. The kind of rain that gushes over the
tops of rain gutters, so much in a hurry to hit the earth it has
no time to flow down the spout. Drains in the nearby parking lot
were filled to capacity and some were blocked so that huge
puddles laked around parked cars. We all stood there under the
awning and just inside the door of the Walmart. We waited, some
patiently, others aggravated because nature messed up their
hurried day.

I am always mesmerized by rain fall. I get lost in the sound and
sight of the heavens washing away the dirt and dust of the
world.

Memories of running, splashing so carefree as a child come
pouring in as a welcome reprieve from the worries of my day. Her
voice was so sweet as it broke the hypnotic trance we were all
caught in.

“Mom, let’s run through the rain,” she said.
“What?” Mom asked.
“Let’s run through the rain!” she repeated.
“No, honey. We’ll wait until it slows down a bit,” Mom replied.
This young child waited about another minute and repeated her
statement.
“Mom. Let’s run through the rain.”
“We’ll get soaked if we do,” Mom said.
“No we won’t, Mom. That’s not what you said this morning,” the
young girl said as she tugged at her Mom’s arm.
“This morning? When did I say we could run through the rain and
not get wet?”
“Don’t you remember? When you were talking to daddy about his
cancer, you said, “If God can get us through this, He can get us
through anything!”

The entire crowd stopped dead silent. I swear, you couldn’t hear
anything but the rain. We all stood silently. No one came or
left in the next few minutes. Mom paused and thought for a
moment about what she would say.

Now some would laugh it off and scold her for being silly. Some
might even ignore what was said. But this was a moment of
affirmation in a young child’s life. A time when innocent trust
can be nurtured so that it will bloom into faith.

“Honey, you are absolutely right. Let’s run through the rain. If
God lets us get wet, well maybe we just needed washing,” Mom
said.

Then off they ran. We all stood watching, smiling and laughing
as they darted past the cars and yes through the puddles. They
held their shopping bags over their heads just in case. They got
soaked. But they were followed by a few believers who screamed
and laughed like children all the way to their cars.

Perhaps inspired by their faith and trust. I want to believe
that somewhere down the road in life, mom will find herself
reflecting back on moments they spent together, captured like
pictures in the scrapbook of her cherished memories.

Maybe when she watches proudly as her daughter graduates. Or as
her daddy walks her down the aisle on her wedding day. She will
laugh again. Her heart will beat a little faster. Her smile will
tell the world they love each other.

But only two people will share that precious moment when they
ran through the rain believing that God would get them through.
And, yes, I did. I ran. I got wet. I needed washing.

Esto si es ser un

Esto si es ser un amigo:

Cuando est�s triste… Nos iremos de parranda y te ayudar� a planear la venganza contra el cabr�n(a) que te puso as�.

Cuando sonr�as… Sabr� que por fin te acostaste con alguien.

Cuando est�s asustado… Te dir� con todo mi coraz�n: �No mames, cabr�n, eso se quita con una pomada!

Cuando est�s preocupado… Te dir� mir�ndote a los ojos: �Ni pedo, compa, todo por andar de caliente!

Cuando est�s confundido… Platicaremos y te har� ver que te debes quedar con la m�s buena.

Cuando est�s enfermo… No te acerques a m� hasta que est�s mejor. �No quiero que me contagies!

Cuando caigas… Me reir� de ti y de lo idiota que eres.

Este es mi juramento… y lo seguir� hasta el final. Tal vez te preguntar�s �por qu�?

�PORQUE SOY TU AMIGO!

Intenta mandarlo a diez de tus m�s cercanos amigos y depr�mete porque s�lo tienes dos, y uno de ellos no te habla en estos momentos porque est� encabronado contigo.