Q: How many orthopedic surgeons does it take to change a lightbulb ?A: Why don’t you just let us take out the socket ? You aren’t using it anyway, and it will only cause you trouble later.
Author: admin
The 3 greatest lies
What are the three greatest lies?
1. The check is in the mail.
2. Small is beautiful.
3. I won’t come in your mouth.
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
With a tire gauge! (da da dum)
Q: How does a blonde measure his/her IQ?
A: With a tire gauge! (da da dum)
Golf Clubs
There is this man and he has been stranded on this
island for four years all alone when all of the sudden this
beautiful woman come up from the beach in a wet suet and says “
how long has it been since you have a drink?” and the man says “
four years!” then she unzips a part of her sleeve and pulls out
a bottle of vodka and hands it to him and he gulps it down
“ahhhhhhhhh” then she says “how long has it been since you have
had a smoke?” and he says “four years!!” and then she unzips her
other sleeve a pull out a pack of smokes and hands him one “
(inhale) ahhhhhhhhhh” then she says ” how long has it been since
you have had some fun?” and starts to take of the wet suet then
he says
“YOU GOT GOLF CLUBS IN THERE!!!!!!”
Bill Clinton Top10…
From David Letterman and the Late Show…
Top Ten Signs Bill Clinton Doesn’t Give A Damn
10. Called Russia asking if they need a new spy
9. When people whisper, “Your fly is open,” he says, “Yeah, I know”
8. Shoplifts at will, gives finger to security camera
7. If you asked what he had for breakfast and he actually had waffles, he’ll say “pancakes” just for the fun of lying
6. He’s no longer just fat — he’s now Hugh Rodham fat
5. “Tubby” is selling a copy of the Declaration of Indepence on eBay
4. Doesn’t even bother to buy high-quality cigars anymore
3. Recently introduced Playboy playmate as “my lovely wife”
2. Refers to Chappaqua mansion as “the house that dirty pardon money built”
1. Sits in the back of Al Gore’s journalism class screaming, “Loser!”
Singing Toilet
tis man walks in to a dinner and says can i use your bathroom the man says yes let me show you where thay are the man say ok and they to he back of the dinner and they come to the bathroom door so they walk in and the guy says would you like the singing toilet or the glass toilet and the man says I’ll take the singing toiletso the guy walks in to the stall and comes back out and says man do you know how enoying that toilet is all it sings is DO YOU SEE WHAT I SEE!!
Blonde Underwear
Q: Whay does a blonde wear underwear?A: To keep her ankles warm.Adam Senan
Jokes For Women Only
What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
– The man.
Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
– When it’s time to go back to childhood, he’s already there.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
– Trustworthy.
Why are men like commercials?
– You can’t believe a word they say.
Why are men like popcorn?
– They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Why are men like blenders?
– You need one, but you’re not quite sure why.
Why do so many women fake orgasm?
– Because so many men fake foreplay.
Why are women so bad at mathematics?
– Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches.
What’s the difference between a bar and a clitoris?
– Most men have no trouble finding a bar.
What’s a man’s definition of a romantic evening?
– Sex.
What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
– When the power goes off.
What do men and women have in common?
– They both distrust men.
How can you tell the difference between men’s real gifts and their guilt gifts?
– Guilt gifts are nicer.
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
– His wife is good at picking out clothes.
How is a man like the weather?
– Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
– One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.
Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger.
– What do men dream of? Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
– Slow.
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
– They’re married.
What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?
– An insurance company.
Why don’t men often show their true feelings?
– Because they don’t have any.
Why do men have a hole in their penis?
– So oxygen can get to their brains.
What’s easier to make: a snowman or a snowwoman?
– A snowwoman is easier to make, ’cause with a snowman you have to hollow out the head and use all that extra snow to make its testicles.
What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
– Castrated.
What’s the difference between government bonds and men?
– Bonds mature.
What’s the difference between a man and E.T.?
– E.T. phoned home.
For the Girls
A heart is not a playingthing
A heart is not a toy
If you want it broken
Give it to a boy
They’ll tear it to pieces
They’ll step on it like glass
And when they come running back
say HONEY KISS MY ARSE
Technology for Country Folk
1. LOG ON:
Makin a wood stove hotter.
2. LOG OFF:
Don’t add no more wood.
3. MONITOR:
Keepin an eye on the wood stove.
4. DOWNLOAD:
Gettin the farwood off the truk.
5. MEGA HERTZ:
When yer not kerful gettin the farwood.
6. FLOPPY DISC:
Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood.
7. RAM:
That thar thing whut splits the farwood.
8. HARD DRIVE:
Gettin home in the winter time.
9. PROMPT:
Whut the mail ain’t in the winter time.
10. WINDOWS:
Whut to shut wen it’s cold outside.
11. SCREEN:
Whut to shut wen it’s blak fly season.
12. BYTE:
Whut them dang flys do.
13. CHIP:
Munchies fer the TV.
14. MICRO CHIP:
Whut’s in the bottom of the munchie bag.
15. MODEM:
Whut cha did to the hay fields.
16. DOT MATRIX:
Old Dan Matrix’s wife.
17. LAP TOP:
Whar the kitty sleeps.
18. KEYBOARD:
Whar ya hang the dang keys.
19. SOFTWARE:
Them dang plastic forks and knifs.
20. MOUSE:
Whut eats the grain in the barn.
21. MAINFRAME:
Holds up the barn roof.
22. PORT:
Fancy Flatlander wine
23. ENTER:
Northerner talk fer “C’mon in y’all”
24. RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY:
Wen ya cain’t ‘member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks.
25. MOUSE PAD:
That hippie talk fer the rat hole.
Perfection
There once was a PERFECT girl. Perfect clothes, hair perfect everything! She sees a dog across the steet she say ‘I want that dog!’ She is in the middle of the street and a car hits her and she dies. What was the Moral of the story Remember she was perfect!
Look both ways before crossing the street!
Your mama is fat
yo mama is so fat after we had sex i rolled over 5 times and i was still on the bitch