Why did the blond jump off the bridge?
A: To see if her maxipad really had wings..
Author: admin
Your Momma Jokes!!
Your momma is so fat when she sat on a dollar bill it became change.
Alabama Speed Trap
A man was speeding down a Alabama highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, “Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don’t think it’s fair – there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?””Ever go a fishin’?” the policeman suddenly asked the man.”Ummm, yeah…” the startled man replied.The officer grinned and added, “Did you ever catch ’em all?”
Why E-Mail is Like a Male Reproductive Organ
:Top 10 Reasons Why E-Mail is Like a Male Reproductive Organ: ———————————————————–10. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. 9. Those who have it think that those who don’t are somehow inferior. 8. Those who don’t have it may agree that it’s neat, but think it’s not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it. 7. Many of those who don’t have it would like to try it (e-mail envy). 6. It’s more fun when it’s up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done. 5. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that’s the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time. 4. If you don’t apply the appropriate measures, it can spread viruses. 3. If you use it too much, you’ll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently. 2. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant. 1. If you’re not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.
Thirsty whale
What did the thirsty whale do?
Bit the tail of a submarine and sucked out all the seamen
You know you’re a little too promiscuous when….
1. You’ve slept with Geraldo Rivera.
2. Arsenio touches your knee.
3. Even Richard Dawson won’t kiss you.
4. Sheik offers you free shares in the company.
5. You become a Vaseline spokesperson.
6. Having two tampons in at the same time doesn’t bother you.
7. The EPA comes looking for you.
8. You go through a Sealy ™ a week.
9. Frederic actually comes to your door himself…just to see where 1/2 of his orders go.
10. When people say “Ho, Ho, Ho” and it’s July.
11. When you don’t know “What’s his name?”
12. You have to go across the border for a Pap Smear.
13. You are the headquarters for the CDC.
14. Your baby looks familiar, but……like who?
15. When they change your # to 976.
16. Tetracycline is your best friend.
17. McDonald’s calls you “The Happy Meal”.
18. It takes 2 douches and a spatula at shower time.
19. Changing your sheets comes more than once a day.
20. When you’ve got a “Take a Number” machine at your door.
21. When they call you “Shazam” and they don’t mean the money machine!
22. When you get hemorrhoids on your shoulders.
23. When getting dresses is not part of your day.
24. Your day starts and ends by rolling over.
25. When the sperm bank calls for remnants.
26. When your screams are heard over a fire alarm.
27. When you’re wearing more latex than spandex.
28. When your motto is “2 Days, 2 Pounds…$2.90.”
29. When your ceiling mirrors fog.
30. When they install a revolving door at your apartment.
31. On the golf course, your afraid to yell “Fore (four).”
32. When the word Slalom gets you excited.
33. When the Marine Corps does recruitment outside your door.
34. When you have a neon sign saying “open at night”.
35. You want to have your name changed to Misty.
36. Madonna comes to you for pointers.
37. You start to think of yourself as Smurfette.
38. You haven’t seen your floor in a week.
39. When sunlight scares you.
40. When your favorite quote is “next please”.
41. You know all the people in “America’s Most Wanted”.
42. When Susan Sarandon envies you.
43. When Guinness Book starts calling.
44. When every song reminds you of someone…but who?
45. When everyone is refers to you as “dear” and “honey”.
46. When he doesn’t even have to buy you a drink.
47. When you have a room key to every hotel in town.
48. When Holiday Inn is coming after you for their linen.
49. Motel 6 signals you in with runway lights.
50. The only place you haven’t had sex is on the moon.
51. When a men’s prison becomes a vacation “hot spot”
52. The Big Dipper looks inviting.
53. When soft foods have become distasteful.
54. White sauce is a staple in your diet.
55. When the Red Cross turns their head at you.
56. When it only takes 2 licks to get to the center of a Blow Pop.
57. When you and your cat have the same tongue consistency.
58. When other women begin to call you “Man’s Best Friend”.
59. You and Prince have already made 3 records.
60. When the neighbors want you to install a drive up window.
Why Keep Quiet
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?”
One bright little girl replied, “Because people are sleeping!”
Determined gorrilla
A man was happily walking down the street when he noticed a huge black gorrilla running after him. He was understandably terrified so immediately started running for his life. He ran over hills through rivers down hills across valleys but everytime he looked behind him he saw the huge gorrilla until it got to a point after several hours of running he could no longer go on. He said to himself. I cannot go on any more I am just going to have to let the gorrilla catch me and tired and terrified he stopped running and accepted his fate.The gorrilla got closer and closer until it caught up with the man and said tic.
Hab�a una vez en un
Hab�a una vez en un concurso de quien miraba mas lejos, participaban un mexicano, un gringo y el t�o chema por Guatemala.
Empez� por el mexicano quien dijo: “De aqu� a Italia hay un se�or fumando…” y fueron a ver y era cierto.
Le toc� al gringo y dijo: “Mi ver de aqu� a la China, que un chino estar cay�ndose de su bicicleta… “y fueron a ver y era cierto.
Le toc� al t�o Chema y se qued� escudri�ando el horizonte: una hora, dos horas, tres horas, al final un juez le pregunt�:
“T�o Chema �qu� est� viendo?”
Y el t�o Chema contest�:
“Me estoy contando los pelos que tengo en el culo…”
Americans
Two americans were walking through Leicester but couldn’t agree on how to pronounce it so they decided to stop for lunch and ask the waitress.
They sat down to eat their lunch and called the waitress over:
“Can you tell us where we are please but say it slowly”,
to which the waiteress replied “Bur-ger Ki-ng”
Guide To Parenthood
The String And Octopus Guide To Parenthood
by Colin Bowles
Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.
1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans.
Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local pharmacy, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it for the last time.
2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child’s sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it, it’ll be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.
3. To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can’t get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, first smear ice cream onto the sofa and strawberry jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish stick behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flower beds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?
5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy a live octopus and a fishnet bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the fishnet bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this: all morning.
6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only cellophane tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas cracker. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Pops, and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations. You have just qualified for a place on the playgroup committee.
7. Forget the Peugeot 205 and buy a Sierra. And don’t think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don’t look like that. Buy a chocolate popsickle and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a pencil and wedge it firmly in the cassette player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate biscuits. Mash them down into the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There. Perfect.
8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the bathroom for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette end, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps.. Scream that you’ve had as much as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back into the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.
10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to be a pre-school child, a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week’s groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.
11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy oatmeal and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half of the oatmeal is gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old baby.
12. Learn the names of every character from Postman Pat, Fireman Sam, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing “Postman Pat” at work, you finally qualify as a parent.
Cliff side accident
After a bizarre cliff side accident, all eleven members of the women’s outing found themselves hanging perilously from a rope over the edge of the cliff.
Ten of the women were blondes and one was a brunette.
After dangling there for a only a short while it became obvious that the rope would not hold all their collective weight.
They decided that to prevent the rope snapping and killing them all, one of them must sacrifice themselves and let go, to save the others.
Well, they talked about it for a while but no one could decide a fair way of choosing who should jump.
Finally, the brunette, exasperated by the indecisiveness of the blondes, could see that if nobody acted soon the rope was going to snap.
To save the others she bravely decided that it must be her who made the sacrifice.
She plucked up a little courage and told the others that she would jump to save them.
After giving a short but very moving speech that she hoped would be remembered after she’d gone, the blondes were so moved that they all started clapping!
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo