Anal Sex: I can stand the pain, if you can take the shit.
Author: admin
Join the AirForce
The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recuiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. So, he directed that a nearby Air Force base be opened and that all elgible young men and women be invited. As he and his staff were standing near an brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them.
The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, “Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?”
The young man looks at him and says, “I’m a pilot!”
The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, “Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!” The aide hustles the young man off.
The general looks at the second young man and asked,”What skills to you bring to the Air Force?”
The young man says, “I chop wood!”
“Son,” the general replies, “we don’t need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?”
“I chop wood!”
“Young man,” huffs the general, “you are not listening to me, we don’t need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!”
“Well,” the young man says, “you hired my brother!”
“Of course we did,” says the general, “he’s a pilot!”
The young man rolls his eyes and says, “Dang it, I have to chop it before he can pile it!”
Starting A Family
The young blonde bride made her first appointment with a gynecologist and told him that she and her husband wished to start a family. “We’ve been trying for months now, Doctor, and I don’t seem to be able to get pregnant,” she confessed miserably.
“I’m sure we’ll solve your problem,” the doctor reassured her. “If you’ll just take off your underpants and get up on the examining table…”
“Well, all right, Doctor,” agreed the young woman, blushing, “but I’d rather have my husband’s baby.”
3 Buttons
Saddam Hussein and George Dubya Bush met up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process.
When George Dubya sits down, he notices 3 buttons on the side of Saddam’s chair. They begin talking. After about 5 minutes, Saddam presses the first button.
A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face. Confused, Bush carries on talking as Saddam laughs.
A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Bush carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the 2 countries.
But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush in the privates, he’s finally had enough, knowing that he can’t do much without them functioning well. ‘I’m going back home!’ he tells the Iraqi. ‘We’ll finish these talks in two weeks!’
A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks.
As the 2 men sit down, Hussein notices 3 buttons on Bush’s chair and prepares himself for the Yank’s revenge.
They begin talking and George Dubya presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. Bush sniggers.
A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens.
Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics. ‘F*ck this,’ says Saddam. ‘I’m going back to Baghdad!’
Bush then says through tears of laughter, ‘WHAT Baghdad?’
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Curing the Mute
Morris walks into Dr. Cohen’s office and puts a note on the table in front of the Doctor. The note says, “I can’t talk, please help me!” The doctor thinks for a while and says to Morris, “Put your penis on the table here.” Morris thinks this is a bit weird, but Cohen is a specialist, so does as he says. The doctor takes a rubber mallet and hits Morris’ penis with it as hard as he can. The man cries in great agony, “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!” Then the doctor says, “Good, come again tomorrow and we’ll learn B!”
You soooo ugly ……
you so ugly ya mamma had to tie a pork chop around your leg just to get the dog to play with you .
Things you’ll NEVER hear one woman say to another woman
That swimsuit really flatters your figure! Would you mind keeping
my husband company while I go for a swim?
Oh, look, that woman and I have the same dress on! I think I’ll go
introduce myself!
His new girlfriend is thinner and better-looking than I am, and I’m
happy for them both.
If he doesn’t let me hold the remote, I get all moody.
He earned more than I do, so I broke up with him.
I’m sick of dating doctors and lawyers! Give me a good old-fashioned
waiter with a heart of gold any day!
We’re redecorating the bedroom, and he keeps bugging me to help him
with the color choices!
He talks our relationship to death! It’s making me crazy!
Why
I just realized — my butt doesn’t look fat in this — my butt *is* fat!
Osama Bin Lighted
How many Osamas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They don’t have light bulbs in caves.
Qu� sexo es m�s f�cil
Qu� sexo es m�s f�cil de complacer…
�C�MO HACER FELIZ A UNA MUJER?
Hacer feliz a una mujer es f�cil, s�lo se necesita ser:
Amigo
Compa�ero
Hermano
Maestro
Educador
Cocinero
Mec�nico
Plomero
Decorador de interiores
Estilista
Electricista
Sex�logo
Gineco – obstetra
Psiquiatra
Terapeuta
Audaz
Simp�tico
Atl�tico
Cari�oso
Atento
Caballeroso
Inteligente
Imaginativo
Creativo
Dulce
Fuerte
Comprensivo
Tolerante
Prudente
Ambicioso
Capaz
Valiente
Decidido
Confiable
Respetuoso
Apasionado
Y sobre todo… �Muy solvente!
De la misma forma, hay que poner atenci�n en:
No ser celoso, pero tampoco desinteresado.
Llevarse bien con su familia, pero no dedicarles m�s tiempo que a ella.
Darle su espacio, pero mostrarse preocupado por d�nde estuvo.
Y muy importante es:
No olvidar las fechas de cumplea�os, aniversario de novios, de boda, graduaci�n, santo, menstruaci�n, fecha del primer beso, cumplea�os de la t�a y del hermano o hermana m�s querida, cumplea�os de los abuelos, de la mejor amiga.
Desgraciadamente, el cumplir al pie de la letra estas instrucciones no garantiza al 100% la felicidad de ella, porque podr�a sentirse inmersa en una vida de sofocante perfecci�n y fugarse con el primer desgraciado vividor que encuentre.
Dios dijo: �Amadlas! PERO NUNCA DIJO QUE HAB�A QUE ENTENDERLAS.
�C�MO HACER FELIZ A UN HOMBRE?
Hacer feliz a un hombre es f�cil, s�lo se necesita:
Sexo
Comida
�Somos o no somos una ganga?
Q….
Q.
Why are men and spray paint alike?
A. One squeeze and they’re all over you.
Little Johnny Proposes
Johnny (age 8) comes into the house for dinner after playing outside all afternoon. His parents ask him what he did today. He says that he played baseball and then he proposed to Betty (age 7) the next door neighbor. They are going to get married.
His parents think this is cute, and they don’t want to make fun of Johnny so they ask Johnny.
“How are you and Betty going to pay for the expenses of being married?”
He replies “Well with the $1 I get each week from you and the $1 she gets from her Mom and Dad, we should do o.k.”
His father says “That’s fine, but how will you pay the extra expenses if you and Betty have a baby?”
Johnny answers “Well, so far, we’ve been lucky…”
At the Olympic Games
At the Olympic Games, a girl bumps into a man carrying an eight-foot-long
metal stick.
“Excuse me,” says the girl to the man. “Are you a pole vaulter?”
“No,” says the man, “I’m German, but how did you know my name is Walter?”