This guy walks in to a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands it to him, and pushes over a bowl of peanuts. The man is having a sip of his beer when he hears a tiny voice say “nice tie.” He quickly looks around but sees nothing. He takes another sip when he hears “nice hat too.” He quickly puts down the beer, but there’s no one around, so he asks the bartender, “I keep hearing a tiny voice saying nice things, whats going on?” The bartender nods understandingly and says, “Oh, its the peanuts, they’re complimentary.”
Author: admin
Viola joke
Q: Why are violas so large?A: It is an optical illusion. It’s not that the violas are large, just that the viola player’s heads are so small.
Like a baby
A young couple are on their way to Las Vegas to get married.
Before getting there, the girl said to the guy that she had a confession to make. The reason that they had not been intimate was because she was very flat-chested. If he wished to cancel the wedding, it would be okay with her.
The guy thought about it for a while and said he did not mind if she was flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage.
Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also wanted to make a confession. He said that below his waist he was just like a baby, and if the girl wished to cancel tile wedding, it’d be fine by him.
The girl thought about it for a while and said that she did not mind and she also believed there were other things far more important in a marriage than sex. Both were happy that they’d been honest with each other.
They went on to Vegas and got married. On the wedding night the girl took off her clothes and she was as flat as a washboard. Finally, the guy took off his clothes and one look at the guy’s naked body made the girl faint and fall to the floor.
After she came to, the guy asked,
‘I told you before we got married, why did you still faint?’
The girl said,
‘You told me it was just like a baby.’
The guy replied,
‘Yes, eight pounds and 21 inches.’
Don’t gamble
Rod and Todd, now in their eighties, first met in school.
Their relationship now is playing cards, playing jokes, and making bets.
One day Rod calls Todd and says, “I bet you that mine is longer soft than yours is hard. Twenty pounds.”
Todd replies, “How can that be? If you know anything about biology you…”
Rod interrupts, “I called for a bet, not a lecture. Mine is longer soft than yours is hard… twenty pounds… YES OR NO?”
Todd says, “OK OK! I’ll take that bet. How long is yours soft?”
Rod answers, “Eleven years.”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Cutting At An Angle
A man gets off a plane in Boston and heads immediately for the
Men’s Room. It’s crowded but he finds a vacant urinal to gain
relief after the long flight and many drinks. The man at the
urinal next to his says, “You’re Jewish?”
“Yes.”
“You come from Sudbury?”
“Yes.”
“Your parents went to Temple Immanuel?”
“Yes, I don’t think I know you. How do you know so much about
me?”
The man next to him replies, “Rabbi Minski of Temple Immanuel is
the only Rabbi I know that performs circumcisions by cutting at
an angle and you’re peeing on my shoe!”
Question and answer blonde joke
Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks “Where did you get that?”A: The pig says, “I won her in a raffle!”
Un domingo en la Iglesia,
Un domingo en la Iglesia, hay una cola casi infinita de jovenes para confesarse.
Llega el primero y dice:
“Padre, me confieso haberme masturbado tres veces.”
“Bueno, vete a la esquina, reza 10 padrenuestros y no lo vuelvas a hacer.”
El siguiente:
“Padre, me confieso haberme masturbado tres veces.”
“Bueno, vete a la esquina, reza 10 padrenuestros y no lo vuelvas a hacer.”
As� el tercero, el cuarto y todos los siguientes, hasta que el cura se cans�. Entonces llam� al monaguillo y le dijo que le sustituyera en el confesionario.
“Todos te diran que se masturbaron 3 veces. Los mandas a la esquina a que recen 10 padrenuestros y ya est�.”, le dice el cura.
Llega el primero a confesarse y dice:
“Padre, me confieso haberme masturbado DOS veces.”
“Bueno, vete a la esquina, mast�rbate otra vez y reza 10 padrenuestros.”
Are you the Manager?
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.
“Are you the Manager?” she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
“Actually, no” he replies.
“Can you get him for me – I need to speak to him?” she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
“I’m afraid I can’t” breathes the barman – clearly aroused.
“Is there anything I can do?”
“Yes there is. I need you to give him a message” she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
She continues, “Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room.”
Panda Bear
A prostitute enters a pub and notices a Panda bear sitting at the end of the bar. After a little small-talk and flirting, the panda bear goes home with her. They frolic all night long. The next morning, the Panda gets up and wanders towards the door. “HEY! Where are you going?” yells the prostitute. “I haven’t been paid!”.
Realizing that he is a Panda bear and might not understand, she reaches for a dictionary and looks up prostitute.
She shows him the definition: PROSTITUTE (pros’ti toot) n. A woman who performs sexual services for money.
The Panda bear looks at her and then grabs the dictionary. He shows her a definition: PANDA BEAR (pan der bare) n. Eats shoots and leaves.
Roses are red
Knock Knock
whos there
roses are red vileots are
roses are red vileots are who
no roses are read vileots are blue not who
Blonde vs. Mosquito
Q. what’s the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?A. if you slap them, at least the mosquito will stop sucking.
Asked in science class
REAL QUESTIONS ASKED IN SCIENCE CLASSESAre the rivers flowing up the mountain or down the mountain? Is that the ocean? (Asked while on a field trip to Marine Lab Beach on Guam (a small island in the Pacific).How can the river be flowing north? That’s uphill! How can mass wasting be an agent of landscape formation on the Moon? The Moon has no gravity! How do I get water into this beaker?