Author: admin

Beautiful

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The teacher says, “Children, today I will ask each of you to come to the front of the class and use a word in a sentence. Today’s word is “beautiful”.

Little Sally, would you please come up here and use “beautiful” in a sentence?”

Little Sally walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, “Teacher, my mom is the most beautiful woman in the world.”

Teacher says, “Very good, Little Sally, you may sit. Little Frankie, your turn.”

Little Frankie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, “Teacher, the sunrise this morning was the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen.”

Teacher says, “Very good, Little Frankie, you may sit. Little Johnny, it’s your turn.”

Little Johnnie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, “Teacher, last night my big sister told my dad that she was pregnant and he said, “Beautiful, just fucking beautiful.”

A Sesamee Street bus

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Once there was this bus which happened to be from Sesamee Street. On the bus were some very strange people with very strange things to do. First there were two identical twins whose names were both Pattie. They were very big and muscular, especially for women. Next there was a man named Ross. He was a extrodinary guy so he was dubbed “Special Ross”. After that there was a hefty, overweight man named Leonard. Since his cheeks were so puffy people decided to nickname him “Leonard Cheeks”. Finally, all the people on the bus had bunions at which they feverously picked and scratched. What do we call this bus filled with strange people? Of course; we call them: “Two all-beef Patties, Special Ross, Leonard Cheeks, pickin’ bunions, on a Sesamee Street bus!”

I have a dumb sister

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Ok Let me just inform you that me, the person who is typing
this, is 12 and a half years old, my sister Charlotte is 16 and
a half. I can truly say we don’t exactly like each other, in
fact you could say we hate each other. Every action and word is
true and that’s why I’m rating this R, isn’t my sister an
angel? ha!

It was December 1st, 2001 and it was rainy and dark. My sister
was “sick” and didn’t want to do the recycling (thing where we
sort plastic, paper, and glass into 3 different trash cans) my
dad wanted one of us (either Camilla (13),Charles (15) me or
Charlotte. Since Charlotte was “sick” she said to me,”You
fucking bitch you fucking better do it or else I’ll beat your
mother fuckin’ ass up.” not being threatened at all since i was
used to this kind of thing i said, “No, I did it a few days ago,
you go ahead and do it.” Now Charlotte believes in those signs
things so since we’re Aries she thinks all Aries should be
stobborn, bossy, touchy etc. So she decided the best way to
react to this was to throw a trash can at me. She kicked the
trash can at me. I have to admit, it did hurt. I acted like
nothing happened and went to my room. She finally decided to
take out the trash. Now I strongly believe inrevenge so I
decided to go out back and dress in my halloween outfit. I went
outside and said, “Boo!” I scared her shitless, well sort of,
actually, she peed in her pants. She was so angry with me she
jumped at me. Since we play dodge ball a lot in P.E. i easily
dodged her. She fell face flat into a mud puddle. I ran inside
and couldn’t help but laugh very very hard. She got her best
silk shirt (actually a see-through tight shirt that shows her
slightly see through bra and is so low at the top that her bra
(came over it) and best pants (which are actually the tightest
thing her so called “fat ass” could fit in) ruined. Now, that’s
what i call revenge.

Life sure is good….

Sex With A Martian

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One day, a space ship landed in a farmer’s field and a Martian man and his wife got out and introduced themselves to the farmer and his wife. As a token of his friendship, the farmer immediately invited the Martian couple in his home and begged them to stay for the evening and have dinner, so the Martians agreed.

Later that night, the Martian man explained how, on their planet, it was customary to swap partners as a token of friendship. The farmer, not wanting to offend his alien neighbors, readily agreed.

The Martian then man took the farmer’s wife into one bedroom while the farmer took the Martian woman into another. They had been having sex for about an hour when the Martian man asked the farmer’s wife, “Well, how do you like having sex with a Martian? How does it feel?”

The farmer’s wife replied “It needs to be a little bigger around.” So the Martian man twisted his right ear and presto, his penis became bigger around.

About an hour later, the Martian man asked the farmer’s wife again “How does it feel now?”

The farmer’s wife responded “I think it needs to be a little longer.”

So the Martian man twisted his left ear and presto, his penis became longer.

The next morning, after their alien neighbors had left, the farmer and his wife were having coffee at the breakfast table and the farmer asked his wife “How was the Martian man?” To this, the farmer’s wife replied “Fine.”

“And how about the Martian woman?”

The farmer replied, “That damn bitch yanked on my fucking ears all night long!”

Stumpy-legged pink dog

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A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash the barman says, �Geez that’s a
weird dog: he’s stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn’t have a tail, but I bet my
rottweiler would beat the heck out of it.�

50 bucks is laid down. Out in the yard the rottweiler gets mauled to pieces.

Another drinker says his pit bull will win but the bet is 100 bucks.

Another trip to the yard and when it’s all over there are bits of pit-bull
terrier all over the place. The drinker pays up and says, �Say what breed is
that anyway?�

The owner says, �Until I cut his tail off and painted it pink it was the same
breed as every other alligator.�

Husbands Dying Wish

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A man goes to the doctor after feeling ill. The doctor says, “You know, you should have come to see me sooner. Unfortunately you have waited too long and you are going to die this evening.” The man is distraught and wonders how he is going to tell his wife. Well, he tells her and she takes it pretty well. “Honey, this is going to be a night that you will always remember,” she says. “I am going to treat you like a king.” She prepares a scrumptious gourmet dinner with wine, candles-the works.

After dinner she slips away and returns in the most incredible negligee the man has ever seen. She leads him into their bedroom. They make the most passionate love they have ever made. The man is beside himself. Once done, the wife rolls over to go to sleep knowing she kept her promise. Well, the husband is wide awake watching the clock.

He knows that he is doomed. He taps her…”Honey?” he whispers. She rolls over and again proceed to make love. Again when they were done she rolls over and he taps her. She is getting cranky, but under the circumstances she grants her husband’s dying wishes. Finally the wife rolls over and begins to snore. Well, the man decides to tap her again. “Honey?” he whispers. She rolls over and yells, “Oh sure! You don’t have to get up in the morning!!!”

Llega un tipo a casa

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Llega un tipo a casa de su compadre y le dice “compadre, vamos a casar un le�n, el mas grande para que me den un premio.”

Y el otro compadre le dice “Ahorita no, tengo cosas que hacer.”

Se va el compadre y a la entrada de la monta�a ve un le�n grand�simo, le dispara una vez y nada, otra y nada y el le�n se va sobre �l, y el se�or empieza a correr. En una de esas el le�n se resbala y cae al suelo, y el se�or sigue corriendo y el le�n se vuelve a resbalar y, se resbala otra vez mientras persigue al se�or, hasta que el se�or se sube a un �rbol.

A los tres d�as regresa y le dice a su compadre lo que pas�: que el le�n mientras lo persegu�a se resbalaba, y le dice el compadre:

“�Y usted que hizo?”

“Yo me sub� a un �rbol.”

“�Co�o, compadre, yo en su lugar me hubiese cagado!”

Y el otro le dice:

“�PUES CON QU� CREES QUE SE RESBALABA EL LEON!”