There was this flea and he was walking along the beach and he looked down and found a lamp so he rubbed the lamp and a genie popped out and granted the flea three wishes so the fleas first wish was to be on benji so poof he was on benji about two weeks later he came back to the genie and the genie asked him whats the matter the flea said well benji scratched to much and took to many flea dips and i almost died so the fleas next wish was to be on willie nelsons beard hear so poof he was then about four weeks later the flea came back to the genie and the genie asked what was the matter so the flea said well willie smoked to much and the smoke would get caught in his beard and i almost died so his next wish was to be on dollie partons pube’s (pubic hair) so poof he was there about six later he came back to the genie looking really confused so the genie was like whats the matter i thought i got rid of you on that one and the flea says i thought you did to but some how i ended up on willie nelsons beard again!
Author: admin
GOD GRANTS ONE WISH
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he
said out loud, “Lord, grant me one wish.” Suddenly the sky clouded above his
head and in a booming voice the Lord said, “Because you have had the faith to
ask, I will grant you one wish.”
The man said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want
to.” The Lord said, “Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics
of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the
Pacific!
The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for
me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think
of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me.”
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, “Lord, I have been
married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am uncaring and
insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel
inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they
cry, what they mean when they say “nothing” and how I can make a woman truly
happy?
After a few minutes God said, “You want two lanes or four on that
bridge?”
The Jewish Boy, The Italian Boy, and the redneck
Three kids on a playground in fifth grade are bored and want to
play a new game:
Jew: Im bored.
Italian: Lets play compare the penis.
Redneck: What’s that?
I: We wip ours out and whoever has the biggest penis wins.
J: Ok.
R: Sure.
So the jew wips his out.
I, R: Wow thats pretty big!
J: Thanks
Then the italian boy wips his out/
J: Well that’s pretty big.
R: Yea its bigger than yours.
I: Ok its your turn red.
So now the redneck wips his out.
I: WOA!! That’s the biggest most girth penis I’ve ever seen!
J: It must be because you’re a redneck!
The redneck starts to cry and goes home. Later his mother asks
what he did at school today.
Redneck mom: How was your day?
R: I learned how to read and we played a new game called compare
the penis.
Redneck mom: Did you win
R: Yea, mom they said its cause im a redneck is that true?
Redneck mom: No, it’s because you’re 26 years old.
State Patrol
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding
drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22
MPH. He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as
a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies –
two in the front seat and three in the back – wide eyed and
white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him,
“Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed
limit! What seems to be the problem?”
“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you
should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be
a danger to other drivers.”
“Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed
limit exactly… Twenty-Two miles an hour!” the old woman says a
bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a
chuckle, explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the
speed limit.
A bit embarassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for
pointing out her error. “But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have
to ask… Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully
shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time.”
the officer asks.
“Oh, they’ll be alright in a minute, officer. We just got off
Route 119.”
Thirteen canaries
Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their
position in life and it’s clear that they are trying to one-up each other. The
first one says, “My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on
vacation�, and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.
The second one says, “Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes�, and
looks about with considerable pride.
Number three says, “Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don’t have much
money and we don’t have any material possessions. However, one thing I can tell
you about my husband is that thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on
his erect penis.”
After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, “Girls, I’ve got a
confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I
was telling you about? Well, it’s not to the French Riviera, it’s to my parents
house for two weeks.”
The second one says, “Your honesty has shamed me. It’s not a Mercedes, he
bought me a Plymouth.”
� Well,” the third one says, “I also have a confession to make, canary number
thirteen has to stand on one leg!”
Golf vs. Skydiving
What’s the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?Bad Golfer: “Whack!” “Damn!”Bad Skydiver: “Damn!!” “Whack!!”
Cough Cure
Outside a pharmacy in a busy street, a poor man is clutching onto a pole for dear life – not breathing, not moving, not twitching a muscle – just standing there, frozen.
The pharmacist, seeing this strange sight in front of his shop, goes up to his assistant and asks, “What’s the matter with that guy? Wasn’t he in here earlier?”
Assistant replies, “Yes he was. He had the most terrible cough and none of my prescriptions seemed to help.”
Pharmacist says, “He seems to be fine now.”
Assistant replies, “Sure, he is. I gave him a box of the strongest laxatives on the market… Now he won’t dare cough!”
Arkansas State Residency Application
ARKANSAS STATE RESIDENCY APPLICATION
Name: ________________ (_) Billy-Bob (last) (_) Billy-Joe (_) Billy-Ray (_)
Billy-Sue (_) Billy-Mae (_) Billy-Jack (_) Billy-Jefferson (Check appropriate
box)
Age: ____ Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation: (_)Farmer (_)Mechanic (_)Hair Dresser (_)Unemployed
Spouse’s Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse: (_) Sister (_) Brother (_) Aunt (_) Uncle (_) Cousin
(_) Mother (_) Father (_) Son (_) Daughter (_) Pet
Number of children living in household: ___ Number that are yours: ___
Mother’s Name: _______________________ Father’s Name: _______________________
(If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)
___ Total number of vehicles you own ___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard ___ Number of vehicles in back yard ___
Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____ truck ____ bedroom ____
bathroom ____ kitchen ____ shed
Model and year of your pickup: ___________194_
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: (_)The National Enquirer (_)The Globe
(_)TV Guide (_)Soap Opera Digest
___ Number of times you’ve seen a UFO ___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis
___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe: (_)Weekly (_)Monthly (_)Not Applicable Color of teeth:
(_)Yellow (_)Brownish-Yellow (_)Brown (_)Black (_)N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: (_)Red-Man
How far is your home from a paved road? (_)1 mile (_)2 miles (_)don’t know
What do you call two
What do you call two black guys on motorcycles in Los Angeles?
Choclate CHiPs
Racists and Lightbul
How many racists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None — they don’t want to be enlightened!
An Irish priest and a Rabbi
An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.
After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying “I know that, in your
religion, you’re not supposed to eat pork…Have you actually ever tasted it?
The Rabbi said, “I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion.”
Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, “Your religion,
too…I know you’re supposed to be celibate. But….”
The priest replied, “Yes, I know what you’re going to ask. I have succumbed
once or twice.”
There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he
was reading and said, “Better than pork, isn’t it?”
Un hombre llega a su
Un hombre llega a su casa borracho a las 6 de la ma�ana. Le dice su esposa:
“�Pero qu� horas son �stas de llegar?”
“�Qu� hace este hombre contigo en mi cama?”
“�No me cambies la conversaci�n, no me cambies la conversaci�n!”