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Jill tells her husband, “Jack, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.
Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses. Now, why can’t you do that?”
“Gosh,” Jack says, “why I hardly know the girl!”
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.35. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate’s parents (postage due).
A Irishman went into a flag shop and asked for a green unionjack.
The guy behind the counter said, “A green unionjack what? We
don’t do green unionjacks you fool.”
The Irishman asked, “What colours do you do them in them?”
“Red white and blue, like everywhere else.” Replies the salesman.
The Irishman says, “I’ll have a blue one then.”
It was the stockbroker’s first day in prison and on meeting his psychotic-looking cell mate he became even more nervous than ever.
”Don’t worry, mate,” said the prisoner when he noticed how scared the stockbroker looked. ”I’m in for a white- collar crime, too,”
”Oh, really?” said the stockbroker with a sigh of relief.
”Yeah,” said the prisoner. ”I murdered a priest.”
At the time of writing, Microsoft’s slogan for Windows 95 was “Where do you want to go today?” These are some alternative and probably more truthful ad slogans for use with Windows.3. Windows and DOS: A turtle and its shell.
One day Saddam Hussein was walking in the desert and he stubbed his toe on
some hard object. He bent over to pick it up and a Genie popped out.
“Oh great,” Saddam said, “I don’t have time for this Genie nonsense.”
“Oh wait,” said the Genie, “You have to let me grant you three wishes or I’ll
be trapped in that stupid lamp for another ten thousand years.”
“Ok” said Saddam, so he wished that the Genie would give him three American
women.
So the next morning when he woke up, after the Genie had realized who this man
was and after the Genie had granted the wishes, Tanya Harding, Garcella Bevoux,
and Hillary Clinton layed next to him. His knee was bashed in, his penis was
gone, and he had no health insurance.
Three members of a weekly female bridge quartet were duly impressed when the fourth arrived wearing a gorgeous new mink coat.”That’s a lovely garment Dottie,” purred one woman “It must have cost you a fortune!” “But it didn’t,” said Dottie, “just a single piece of ass.” “You mean,” continued the admirer of the coat, “One that you gave your husband?” “No,” smiled the coat wearer, “One that he got from the maid.”
A priest, a rabbi, a minister, three Laotian monks, Hitler, Jesus and Joseph Stalin walk into a bar, the bartender asks “What the fuck is this? Some kind of joke?”
There was once a great man in power
Who’d had an intern for him clean his tower
Well he’d made quite a mess
It put stains on her dress
Well we hope she at least took a shower
Several months went by she was still sucking
And the system the man was still bucking
She got attached to him
To him ’twas a whim
After all, it’s not like they had been fucking
The girl had been calling a friend
Who was not quite a friend in the end
She recorded the speech
For a publisher leech
And to Kenneth a copy she’d send
Mr. Starr was having quite a hassle
For he’d come off as Mr. Asshole
Three long years he’d been fishing
For clues he was still wishing
Seems the Prez was locked tight in a castle
Then one day in the season of winter
The castle door had started to splinter
Seems a man, name was Drudge
Had discovered some sludge
The news raced round the world like a sprinter
Seven months and the man still denied it
Had a press conference where he implied it
Had his own definition
A brilliant logician
He did not quite have sex, but he’d tried it
Well the nation was shocked and appalled
For his head the Republicans called
But for all we’d scream and shout
We didn’t want him out
It was sex in which we were enthralled
Judge Starr’s stuff came out one early morn
Looked less like law and more like cheap porn
Congress had been awaiting
Now they were masturbating
Visualizing her blowing his horn
So know you know all about the scandal
We hope that of it you’ve gotten a handle
We tune in every day
Wasting our lives away
To this fiction can’t quite hold a candle
A young blonde female stock broker was bored with driving her
BMW. It lacked individuality and besides that, every other girl
in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more
individual, perhaps an MG convertible.
That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful
Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she
fell in love with it’s gorgeous red paintwork. An empty check
stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes
enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing
in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly
go wrong?
At that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the car
slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the hood and
concluded after a few minutes that she didn’t have a bloody clue
what was wrong. Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a
quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait saw a bright
shiny yellow van pull up behind her.
“That’s a lovely car,” said the mechanic. “What seems to be the
matter?”
“Well, it just conked out I’m afraid.”
“Let me have look.” He set to work and ten minutes later the
engine was purring like a cat again.
“Thank goodness,” she said. “What was the matter?”
“Simple really, just crap in the carburetor,” he replied.
Looking shocked she asked, “Oh, okay. How many times a week do I
have to do that?”
An Irishman went to London and found himself in the Underground late one night.
Seeing a notice “DOGS MUST BE CARRIED on THE ESCALATOR”, he moaned to himself…
“And where am I going to find a dog at this hour of the night?”
What happens when people of different occupations get old.- Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.- Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.- Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.- Old investors never die, they just roll over.