You can’t fall off the floor.
Author: admin
Bin Laden goes to a Psychic
Bin Laden goes to a psychic and asks her “When will I die?” She
tells him that he will die on an American Hoilday. “Oh No! Which
hoilday?!” The psychic says, “When you die, it will be an
american Hoilday.”
A polish man in bar
A polish man is sitting at a bar having a few drinks when he notices a very attractive lady sit down at the other end of the bar and order a drink. The polish guy calls the bartender over and says “whatever she is is drinking give her another one and tell her it is on me.” The bartender replies “I don’t think you want to do that.” “What do you mean?” yells the polish guy, “Send her the drink!” “O.K.” the bartender replies, “but I don’t think it is a good idea.” “And why not?” asks the polish guy. The bartender leans over the bar and very softly says “because she’s a lesbian.” “I don’t care, send her the drink.” says the polish guy. So after the lady gets her drink the polish guy very casually strolls down to the other end of the bar and sits down next to her and says, “so what part of Lesbia are you from?”
Sea monsters
Two sea monsters were swimming around in the ocean, looking for something to do.
They came up underneath a ship that was hauling potatoes.
Bob, the first sea monster, swam underneath the ship, tipped it over and ate everything on the ship.
A little while later, they came up to another ship, again hauling potatoes.
Bob again capsizes the ship and eats everything onboard.
The third ship they found was also hauling potatoes and Bob once again capsized it and ate everything.
Finally his buddy Bill asked him, “Why do you keep tipping over those ships full of potatoes and eating everything on board?”
Bob replied, “I wish I hadn’t, but I just can’t help myself once I start. Everyone knows you can’t eat just one potato ship.”
Submitted by Muffin_007
Edited by Calamjo
Why Sex is Like Snow…
- Why Sex is Like Snow
- Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
The Pope’s New Camera
A member of the paparazzi is looking in the window of the Pope
one morning and snaps a picture of him masturbating. As the
flash goes off, the Pope sees him and runs after him.
The Pope catches up to the guy and tells him that he can’t sell
that picture. The guy explains to the Pope this is how he makes
his living. The Pope suggests a solution, telling him to sell
the camera to him with the film still in it for the sum of five
thousand dollars. The photographer agrees.
The Pope, relaxed that his problem is solved, walks back to his
room with the camera around his neck. On the way back he crosses
paths with two cardinals. They remark about his new camera and
one of them asked him how much he paid for it. The Pope replies
five thousands dollars and the two cardinals and the Pope go on
their way. When out of earshot from the Pope, one of the
cardinals says to the other, “Whoever sold the Pope that camera
had to see him coming.”
UFO’s landing site
Q: Why do UFO’s land in remote areas?
A: Ask yourself! If you had to travel LIGHT YEARS to get to Earth and had
to take a piss. Would YOU land in a populated city and whip out your SPACE
GUN in front of everyone!!!!!!
Mine Detector
Q: Have you seen the dumb guy mine detector procedure?. A: Put you fingers in your ears and start stamping the ground with your foot.
Elderly Fisherman
An elderly fisherman wrote to a mail order house the following:
“Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat you show on page 438 and if it’s any good, I’ll send you a check.”
In a short time he received the following reply: “Please send check. If it’s any good, we’ll send the engine!”
Girls You Might See In The Restroom
SELFISH GIRL:
Enters alone and locks the door, saying to the girls following that she
will be out in a minute. Leisurely pees. Remarks, adjusts clothes and
poses before mirror, keeping others squirming outside for an hour.
TIMID GIRL:
Turns on faucet full force. Backs up to toilet, raises dress and squats
quickly. Listens intently to learn if sound other than faucet can be heard.
CONCEITED GIRL:
Approaches toilet with undulating movements. Raises dress by finger tips.
Expression while peeing indicates such a lovely creature should not be
compelled to attend to such lowly duties. Farts silently and disdainfully.
HARDY GIRL:
Raises dress with a whoop. Scuttles across the floor beating other
occupant to toilet. Squats with great force, rattling windows and causing
breasts to bob up and down, hums lively tune, peeing in squirts to keep
time, farts loudly and with great glee.
DRUNKEN GIRL:
Wobbles to toilet. After several attempts manages to raise dress. Squats
on toilet with shrieks of laughter. Pees for a while, singing happy songs,
suddenly starts to sob broken heartedly as she realizes that she forgot to
pull down her pants. Continues peeing and sobbing.
SLOPPY GIRL:
Slip drops into toilet while squatting, never uses toilet paper. Drags her
business across the seat, getting seat wet. Never flushes toilet. Emerges
with back of skirt caught in her pants.
WORRIED GIRL:
Squats thoughtfully, counting days overdue on fingers. Uses toilet paper
and examines it carefully and hopefully. Peers into toilet before
flushing, resolving never to go to bed tight again.
THE “I DON’T CARE” GIRL:
Just squats and fires away.
STUBBORN GIRL:
Believes all public places are contaminated. Stands three feet in front of
toilet, backs up, takes careful aim and fires away, always misses, but
will try again.
10 signs You are an Internet Geek
10. When filling out your driver’s license application you give your IP address.
9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is “Hi, what’s your URL?”
8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
7. You’re amazed to find out spam is a food.
6. You “ping” people to see if they’re awake, “finger” them to find out how they are, and “AYT” them to make sure they’re listening to you.
5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.
4. You introduce your wife as “my [email protected]” and refer to your children as “client applications”.
3. At social functions you introduce your husband as “my domain server”.
2. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, “I feel so colon-right parentheses!”
And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:
1. Two Words: “Pizza’s Here!”
Columbine Kids
How many Columbine kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to move the bodies out of the way and one to screw it!