Bill Clinton’s Pick-Up Lines

* Have you ever made it with the leader of the free world?

* Have you ever made it with a “crooked” politician?

* No, that’s not a boomerang in my pocket.

* Do you want to be an intern and “serve” under me?

* Hillary might be the First Lady, but you certainly wont be the last.

* Come with me to the Oval Office, I have a “position” in mind for you.

* I enjoy puttin’ “Big Macs” in my mouth…what about you?

* Are you from Baghdad? Because you’ve got a great “I-RACK.”

* Honey, you stimulate my economic package.

* MYYY…that’s such a pretty blue dress. That’s wrinkle free material isn’t
it?

A church had a man in the choir who couldn’t…

A church had a man in the choir who couldn’t sing. Several people hinted to him that he could serve in other places, but he continued to come to the choir.The choir director became desperate and went to the priest. “You’ve got to get that man out of the choir,” he said. “If you don’t, I’m going to resign. The choir members are going to quit too. Please do something.”So the priest went to the man and suggested, “Perhaps you should leave the choir.””Why should I get out of the choir?” he asked.”Well, five or six people have told me you can’t sing.”That’s nothing,” the man snorted. “Fifty people have told me that you can’t preach!”

Restroom Trip Policy

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
FROM: EMPLOYEE RELATIONS DEPARTMENT
SUBJECT: RESTROOM TRIP POLICY (RTP)

An internal audit of employee restroom time (ERT) has found that this company
significantly exceeds the national ERT standard recommended by the President’s
Commission on Productivity and Waste. At the same time, some employees
complained about being unfairly singled out for ERT monitoring. Technical
Division (TD) has developed an accounting and control system that will solve
both problems.

Effective 1 April 1987, a Restroom Trip Policy (RTP) is established.

A Restroom Trip Bank (RTB) will be created for each employee. On the first day
of each month employees will receive a Restroom Trip Credit (RTC) of 40. The
previous policy of unlimited trips is abolished.

Restroom access will be controlled by a computer-linked voice-print
recognition system. Within the next two weeks, each employee must provide two
voice prints (one normal, one under stress) to Personnel. To facilitate
familiarity with the system, voice-print recognition stations will be
operational but not restrictive during the month of April.

Should an employee’s RTB balance reach zero, restroom doors will not unlock
for his/her voice until the first working day of the following month.

Restroom stalls have been equipped with timed tissue-roll retraction and
automatic flushing and door-opening capability. To help employees maximize their
time, a simulated voice will announce elapsed ERT up to 3 minutes. A 30-second
warning buzzer will then sound. At the end of the 30 seconds the roll of tissue
will retract, the toilet will flush and the stall door will open. Employees may
choose whether they wish to hear a male or a female “voice”. A bilingual
capability is being developed, but is not yet on-line.

To prevent unauthorized access (e.g., sneaking in behind someone with an RTB
surplus, or use of a tape-recorded voice), video cameras in the corridor will
record those seeking access to the restroom. However, consistent with the
company’s policy of respecting the privacy of its employees, cameras will not be
operative within the restroom itself.

An additional advantage of the system is its capability for automatic urine
analysis (AUA). This permits drug-testing without the demeaning presence of an
observer and without risk of human error in switching samples. The restrooms and
associated plumbing are the property of the company. Legal Services has advised
that there are no privacy rights over voluntarily discarded garbage and other
like materials.

In keeping with our concern for employee privacy, participation in AUA is
strictly voluntary. But employees who choose to participate will be eligible for
attractive prizes in recognition of their support for the company’s policy of a
drug-free workplace.

Management recognizes that from time to time employees may have a legitimate
need to use the restroom. But employees must also recognize that their jobs
depend on this company’s staying competitive in a global economy. These
conflicting interests should be weighed, but certainly not balanced. The company
remains strongly committed to finding technical solutions to management
problems. We continue to believe that machines are fairer and more reliable than
managers. We also believe that our trusted employees will do the right thing
when given no other choice.

Smarter

A woman and a man were involved in a car accident — it was a bad one. Both of their cars were totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of them were hurt.

After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said, “So, you’re a man — that’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are both unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends, and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”

The man thoughtfully replied, “I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!”

The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.”

Then she handed the bottle to the man. The man nodded his head in agreement, opened it, and drank half the bottle. He then handed it back to the woman. The woman took the bottle, and immediately put the cork back in, and handed it back to the man.

In surprise, he asked, “Aren’t you having any?”

“No,” the woman replied, “I think I’ll just wait for the police…”

Ready to Go Home Yet

There was a guy in a bar and he asked the bartender for a beer. He chugged it, looked into his pocket, asked for another beer. Which he chugged, then looked into his pocket, and asked for another beer. This went on for a while then the bartender finally asked, ‘How come you ask for a beer, chug it, then look in your pocket?’ The man said, ‘because there is a picture of my wife in my pocket and I’m gonna keep drinking till she looks good enough to go home.’

Top 16 Signs You’re in a Pauly Shore Movie

16. Your “Will Act For Food” sign was evidently misread as “Will Act For Fool.”

15. You can trace your character’s lineage directly back to Spicoli in “Fast Times at Ridgemont High.”

14. All you were told is that you got a part in a movie, and you play someone more inane than Pauly Shore.

13. You’re irritating, marginally coherent, and comically dressed, yet chicks are diggin’ you.

12. You have numerous sex scenes, but your only speaking line is “Baaaa!”

11. Screen test for part consisted of humiliating fraternity prank involving a hot dog and a flight of stairs.

10. The director asks you, Jim Carrey, Gilbert Gottfried, and Tim Conway to “dumb it down just a little more.”

9. Your body contains more silicon than Deep Blue.

8. You bet your agent that she couldn’t cast you in anything stupider than the “Ernest” series.

7. No male actors over 5′ 4″.

6. You work with your acting coach for weeks to totally nail down the inner character of “Totally Harsh Dude #2.”

5. 20% of budget set aside for “breaking wind” sound effects.

4. After a day’s shooting, you’re beaten senseless in an alley by an enraged Siskel & Ebert.

3. All the extras cover their faces like prisoners on the 6 o’clock news.

2. You’re surrounded by brilliant Shakespearean actors, all of whom have balloon payments due on their beach houses.

1. Daisy Fuentes co-stars as the President of the United States.

Trick or Treat!

TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX

10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7) You don’t have to compliment the person who gives you some.

6) It’s O.K. when the person you’re with fantasizes you’re someone else, because you are.

5) Forty years from now you’ll still enjoy candy.

4) If you don’t like what you get, you can always go next door.

3) It doesn’t matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2) Less guilt the morning after.

1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.