Q: How many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb ?A: 250,000,000, one to change it and 249,999,999 to debate whether it it was politically correct.
Author: admin
Happiness is merely the remission
Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
Condoms for My Camels
There was an old lady who heard you could keep cigarettes dry at the beach by stuffing the pack into a condom. She stopped into the pharmacy to pick some up.
The pharmacist said, “What brand of condoms to you prefer ma’am.”
She said, “I’m not sure, they’re for my Camels,” at which point he fainted.
Blondes and gravity
Q. A blonde and a brunette both jump off a tall building. Who lands first?
A. The brunette, because the blonde has to stop and ask for directions.
Things To Do To Your Roommate
Take all the chip bags… open them… lick all the chips of their flavor and put them back in the bag…
hide one of their shoes every day for about a week…
Keep your room real messy for a few weeks. Clean it while your roommate is out. Leave before they come back. Arrive after them and then angrily accuse them of cleaning up your room.
Take all of the hair out of their brush and stick it to the wall with scotch tape.
Insist on cleaning their fingernails for them every night.
Crumple empty chip bags the whole time your roommate is home.
Make a shine dedicated to them.
Whistle one line of a song and repeat it for 3 days, then pick a new line.
Play Scottish music 24 hours a day full blast.
Every night at midnight, stick your head out the window and scream “GO AWAY MONSTERS! GO AWAY!” Do this every night for 6 weeks.
Sniff their underwear while they’re still wearing it.
Buy fish and a fish tank. Dye the water with food coloring. Talk to the fish and giggle often while staring at your roommate.
Tie all your socks up in knots. Hang them from the ceiling. Count them every time you walk in the room.
Every time your roommate walks in the room, shake their hand and smile sweetly. If they refuse, wipe the smile off your face, clench your teeth and growl whenever they walk in the room for the next two weeks.
Watch test patterns.
Collect bottles of colored water on the floor. Refuse to discuss them.
Buy lots of slinkys and hang them from your ceiling while humming “It’s Slinky, it’s Slinky…”
Buy lots of pictures. Hang them up upside down. Stand on your head to look at them.
Tack candy wrappers on your walls.
Things That Sound Dirty At Thanksgiving, But Aren’t
- Talk about a huge breast!”
- Whew, that’s one terrific spread!”
- “It’s a little dry. Do you still want to eat it?”
- “Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist.”
- “Just lay back and take it easy. I’ll do the rest.”
- “I’m in the mood for a little dark meat.”
- “How long do I beat it before it’s ready?”
- “Use a nice, smooth stroke when you whip it.”
- “Don’t play with your meat.”
- “Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.”
- “How long will it take after you stick it in?”
- “You’ll know when it’s ready when it pops up.”
- “If I don’t undo my pants, I’ll burst!”
- “That’s the biggest one I’ve ever seen!”
- “Do you think you’ll be able to handle all these people at once?”
- “I didn’t expect everyone to come at once!”
- “It’s Cool Whip time!”
- “You still have a little bit on your chin.”
- “Are you ready for seconds yet?”
De acuerdo con los �ltimos
De acuerdo con los �ltimos estudios realizados en la Universidad de Oxford por el doctor Alfred Ohmygod Fuckyourself, se demuestra que la dieta m�s efectiva para el ser humano, y m�s placentera, es la que a continuaci�n se detalla. (A lo largo de varios a�os y dilatadas y diversas experiencias el lector podr� comprobar la veracidad de los datos estad�sticos.)
El sexo es la manera m�s pr�ctica y divertida de perder peso. Vea cu�ntas calor�as se pierden en cada actividad.
QUITANDO LA ROPA
Con el consentimiento de ella: 12 calor�as.
Sin el consentimiento de ella: 187 calor�as.
ABRIENDO EL SOST�N
Con las dos manos: 8 calor�as.
Con una mano: 12 calor�as.
Con la boca: 85 calor�as.
COLOCANDO EL PRESERVATIVO
Con erecci�n: 6 calor�as.
Sin erecci�n: 315 calor�as.
PRELIMINARES
Intentando encontrar el cl�toris: 8 calor�as.
Intentando encontrar el punto G: 92 calor�as.
POSICIONES
Misionero: 12 calor�as.
69 tumbado: 78 calor�as.
69 de pie: 112 calor�as (Con ella de pie).
Carretilla: 216 calor�as.
De perrito: 326 calor�as.
Candelabro italiano: 912 calor�as.
TENIENDO UN ORGASMO
Real: 112 calor�as.
Falso: 315 calor�as.
POST ORGASMO
Quedarse en la cama abrazado: 18 calor�as.
Salir de la cama enseguida: 36 calor�as.
Explicar por qu� sali� de la cama enseguida: 116 calor�as.
CONSIGUIENDO LA SEGUNDA ERECCI�N
Si tiene entre:
20 y 29 a�os: 36 calor�as.
30 y 39 a�os: 80 calor�as.
40 y 49 a�os: 124 calor�as.
50 y 59 a�os: 972 calor�as.
60 y 70 a�os: 2916 calor�as.
M�s de 70 a�os: No hay datos (los voluntarios murieron tratando de hacerlo).
M�s de 10 a�os de casado: 4635 calor�as.
COLOCANDO LA ROPA
Con calma: 32 calor�as.
Con prisa por salir: 98 calor�as.
Con el pap� de ella golpeando la puerta: 1218 calor�as.
Con tu mujer golpeando la puerta: 3521 calor�as.
Con el marido de ella tocando la puerta: 4695 calor�as.
I work TS for an ISP
I work TS for an ISP, here are a few things that drive me nuts:
Tech: What is your User Name?
Cust: John Smith.
Tech: (searching for user name johnsmith to no avail) that’s your USER Name, your login name?
Cust: Yep.
Tech: .. (search for cust acct by last name, find a million Smiths.. finally find their acct.) We have your user name listed as ”wolf231”.
Cust: Yep.
Tech: Not John Smith.
Cust: Yep.
Tech: …
—-
Tech: What error message are you getting?
Cust: I’m not getting an error, it just won’t connect.
Tech: Nothing comes up when you try to connect?
Cust: Nope, nothing happens at all. It doesn’t say anything.
Tech: .. and nothing appears on the screen what-so-ever..?
Cust: Nope.
Tech: – Well.. What happens to lead you to believe that it isn’t working?
Cust: It says Error 691, User Name or Password..
Tech: That’s what we in the buisness call an ERROR MESSAGE.
—-
Tech: What error message are you getting?
Cust: Uhhh… cannot connect to you guys because it’s not working, is having problems.
Tech: Hmm.. well, I don’t think that is one of the standard RAS errors listed in the MS database..
—-
Cust: What in the hell is wrong with your server now!?!?!
Tech: Nothing, what error are you getting?
Cust: Error 666 Your modem or other connecting device is not functioning! (Or alternately) Error 680, There is no dial tone!
.. Now lets think about this one, I’ve gotten it many, MANY times. The error says there is no dial tone. Your modem cannot get a dial tone, so naturally, our server must be down. – Or the error says your modem is hosed.. once again, our server must be down. The point being, 90% of all callers assume it is automatically YOUR fault, no matter what the error says.
—-
Customer cannot read, or pronounce anything correctly. (Examples: Dis-enable soft-war comprehension..?)
Customer only has one phone line, but still insist that you stay on the phone while they try to connect..
Customer cannot understand the concept of having TWO mouse buttons.
Tech: Now Right-click on the icon and select Properties.
Cust: Ok, double click on it and.. I don’t see properties..
Tech: Goto My Computer on your desktop.
Cust: Yes, I have a computer on my desk.
Tech: No. There is an ICON on your desktop called My Computer, double click on it and it will open.
Cust: I don’t see Your Computer.
Tech: No, it is called My Computer, not literally mine, it’s just the name of it.
Cust: Ok.. just a sec.. – hm.. Now what is the desktop again?
Tech: .. It’s where the background is.. you know. It has all the little small pictures of stuff that you click on on it.
—-
Had a customer call, she was having problems install our software. After two hours of her not being able to articulate exactly what the problem was, it ended up being that she had our CD in upsi
The Roman Rule…
- The Roman Rule
- The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the
one who is doing it.
You’re a redneck … you use the term
You’re a redneck if…. You use the term `over yonder’ more than once a month.
Lihgthouse Toad
Why did the toadbecome a lihgthouse keeper?
He had his own frog-horn.
Clinton Shorts
He sure is one hell of a guy, Bill Clinton. Who else do you know who manages to distract the public away from a sex scandal, with yet another sex scandal!!
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How does Clinton wear his Boxers Shorts?????
Around his ankles!!!!!