An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then-four-year-old daughter….On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. Be still, my heart, thought my friend, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!Then the child spoke into the instrument: “Welcome to McDonald’s. May I take your order?”
Author: admin
The ugly saggy woman and her honest husband
There was a woman looking in her mirror one day, all she could see looking back was a big fat ugly woman with wrinkles and sagging boobs.
She asked her husband to tell her something nice about her, a good quality that she has.
After a bit of thinking he replied well dear i suppose you do have very good eye sight.
The Roslin lab in Scotland
The Roslin lab in Scotland is scheduled for a government budget cut.
“But that won’t have much effect,” says Michael X. Ferraro. “Once
you’ve cloned sheep, it’s not that difficult to counterfeit money.”
Yo mama.. fat
Yo mama so fat she stumbled over k-mart, tripped over wal-mart, and landed right on target.
A quote on marriage
There was a man who said, “I never knew what happiness was until I got married…and then it was too late!”
Miracle whip
What did the Miracle Whip say when the girl opened the refridgerator?
CLOSE THE DOOR IM DRESSING!
Why do Jewish American Princesses
Why do Jewish American Princesses have crow’s feet?
– From squinting and saying “Suck What?”
Dream flying planes
Sue and Bob, a pair of tight wads, lived in the mid west, and had been married
years.
Bob had always want to go flying. The desire deepen each time a barn
stormer flew into town to offer rides.
Bob would ask, and Sue would say, “No way, ten dollars is ten dollars.”
The years went pay, and Bob figured he didn’t have much longer, so he got Sue
out to the show, explaining, it’s free to watch, let’s at least watch.
And once he got there the feeling become real strong. Sue and Bob started an
arguement.
The Pilot, between flights, overheard, listened to they problem,
and said, “I’ll tell you what, I’ll take you up flying, and if you don’t say a
word the ride is on me, but if you back one sound, you pay ten dollars.
So off they flew. The Pilot doing as many rolls, and dives as he could.
Heading to the ground as fast as the plane could go, and pulling out of the
dive at just the very last second. Not a word. Finally he admited defeat and
went back the air port.
“I’m surprised, why didn’t you say anything?”
“Well I almost said something when Sue fell out, but ten dollars is ten
dollars.”
Arthritis
A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to
a priest. The drunk’s shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red
lipstick, and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He
opened his newspaper and started reading.
A couple of minutes later, he asked the priest, “Father, what causes
arthritis”?
“Mister, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much
alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man.”
“Well, I’ll be damned,” the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he said, turned to the man and apologized.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had
arthritis?”
“I don’t have arthritis, Father, but I just read in the paper that the Pope
does.”
3 Kinds of People
There are three kinds of people in the world – those who can count and those who can’t.
Redneck computer term
Bug – The reason you is a giv’n for calling in sick.
Rejected Hallmark Cards
“Looking back over the years that we’ve been together,
I can’t help but wonder:…
— What was I thinking?”
“Congratulations on your wedding day!…
— Too bad no one likes your wife.”
“How could two people as beautiful you….
— have such an ugly baby?”
“I’ve always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love…
— After having met you, I’ve changed my mind.”
“I must admit, you brought Religion in my life…
— I never believed in Hell until I met you.”
“As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am…
— that you’re not here to ruin it for me.”
“As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you’ve given me…
— Like the need for therapy.”
“Thanks for being a part of my life!!!…
— I never knew what evil was before this!”
“Before you go,…
I would like you to take this knife out of my back.
— You’ll probably need it again.”
“Someday I hope to get married…
— but not to you.”
“You look great for your age…
— Almost Lifelike!”
“When we were together, you always said you’d die for me…
— Now that we’ve broken up, I think it’s time you kept your promise.”
“I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend…
— So here’s his leash, water bowl and chew toys.”
“We have been friends for a very long time…
— What do you say we call it quits?”
“I’m so miserable without you…
— It’s almost like you’re here.”
“Congratulations on your new bundle of joy…
— Did you ever find out who the father was?”
“You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was
only one life jacket…
— I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.”