George looks like golf pro in his designer outfit but he slices his first
drive deep into the woods. Rather than accept a penalty, he decides to try using
an iron to get back on the fairway. His ball ricochets off a tree and strikes
him on the forehead, killing him.
When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets him. “You look like a
golfer. Are you any good?”
George replies, “Absolutely…. I got here in TWO, didn’t I?”
Author: admin
Easiest Quiz Ever
The WORLD’S EASIEST QUIZ
1. How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2. Which country makes Panama hats?
3. From which animal do we get catgut?
4. In which month do the Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5. What is a camel’s hair brush made of?
6. The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7. What was King George VI’s first name?
8. What colour is the purple finch?
9. Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10. How long did the Thirty Years War last?
ANSWERS…….
1. 116 years from 1337 to 1453.
2. Ecuador.
3. Catgut comes from sheep and horses.
4. November. The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours.
5. A camel’s hair brush is made from squirrel fur.
6. Comes from the latin phrase, Insularia Canaria–Island of Dogs
7. Albert–Took throne in 1936. Respected the wish of Queen Victoria that
no future king be called Albert.
8. A definite crimson.
9. New Zealand.
10. 30 years of course. From 1618-1648.
Windows lightbulb
How many Windows users does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but he’ll swear up and down that it was just as easy for him as it would have been for a Macintosh user.
Talking clock
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den.”What is the big brass gong and hammer for?” one of his friends asked.”That is the talking clock,” the man replied.”How’s it work?” the friend asked.”Watch,” the man said then proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer.Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, “KNOCK IT OFF ASSHOLE! It’s two AM!”
The reason for running
A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he’s topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can’t escape and finally pulls over.The cop approaches the car and says, “It’s been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I’ll let you go.”The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, “My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!”
Un abogado se muere y
Un abogado se muere y se va al cielo, llega y toca la puerta. En eso sale San Pedro y le dice: “�T� quien eres?”
“Yo soy abogado y me han mandado al cielo”, responde al abogado. “�No, no! t� no puedes entrar ac�.”
“�Pero c�mo que no puedo entrar?, �t� quien eres para decirme que no puedo entrar?”
“�Como?… yo soy San pedro, el que decide si entras o no.”
“A ver, �d�nde est� tu t�tulo que dice que eres San pedro, el �nico que puede dejar o no entrar al cielo?”
“Un momento,” dice San Pedro, y se va corriendo a buscar a Jes�s y le cuenta lo que pasa con el abogaddo.
Entonces sale Jes�s: “Bueno, hombre, al parecer t� no puedes entrar al cielo porque ya no tenemso espacio, y ya… ya no pues.”
“�C�mo que no hay sitio, t� qui�n eres para que no me dejes entrar?”
“Yo soy Jesus el hijo de Dios y te digo que ya no puedes entrar al cielo.”
“�C�mo que hijo de Dios? �Cu�l Dios?, a ver, ense�ame tu partida de nacimiento donde dice que eres el hijo de Dios.”
Entonces Jesus va a buscar a Dios…
“Pap�… all� afuera hay un abogado que quiere entrar al cielo, primero le pidi� su t�tulo a San Pedro, luego me pidi� partida de nacimiento para ver si soy hijo de Dios… �qu� hago?”
“Ya, ya, ya… d�jalo entrar, �no vaya ser que me pida partida de matrimonio!”
After watching sales falling
After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried
Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and ask for a favor.
The Pope says, ”What can I do?”
The Colonel says, ”I need you to change the daily prayer from, ‘Give us this
day our daily bread’ to ‘Give us this day our daily chicken’. If you do it, I’ll
donate 10 Million Dollars to the Vatican.”
The Pope replies, ”I am sorry. That is the Lord’s prayer and I can not change
the words.”
So the Colonel hangs up. After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel
panics, and calls again.
”Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I’ll give you $50 million
dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from ‘Give us this day our
daily bread’ to ‘Give us this day our daily chicken.”’
And the Pope responds, ”It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church
could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us support many
charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord’s prayer, and I can’t
change the words.”
So the Colonel gives up again. After two more months of terrible sales the
Colonel gets desperate. ”This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change
the words of the daily prayer from, ‘Give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘Give
us this day our daily chicken’ I will donate $100 million to the Vatican.”
The Pope replies, ”Let me get back to you.”
So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, ”I
have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going
to donate $100 million to the Vatican.”
The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news.
The Pope replies, ”The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account.”
In the Bushes
A young courting couple are out for a romantic walk along a
country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll his
lustful desire rises to a peak. He is is just about to get
frisky when she says, “I hope you don’t mind but I really do
need to have a piss.” Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he
replies, “OK why don’t you go behind this hedge.” She nods in
agreement and disappears behind the hedge.
As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down
her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable
to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer he reaches
through a gap in the foliage, his hand touching her leg. He
quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and
with great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick
appendage hanging between her legs. He shouts in horror, “My God
Mary have you changed your sex?!” “No,” she replies, “I’ve
changed my mind, I’m having a shit instead.”
Absolution
While the Pope was in St. Louis he decided to grant absolution to three sinners. The first person to come up was Richard Nixon.The Pope asked, “What is your sin?””I hired people to break into the Watergate hotel.”The Pope replied, “Kneel down. I’ll bless you and grant you absolution.” Next in line was Bill Clinton. “What was your sin, son?””I cheated on my wife.” The Philanderer in Chief replied. “Kneel down, my son. I’ll bless you and grant you absolution.” A third person came up and the Pope asked, “What is your name?” “Monica Lewinsky.” The Pope stroked his chin. “Hmmmm….. Perhaps you should remain standing.”
Un agricultor le dice un
Un agricultor le dice un d�a a un amigo: “Tengo un �rbol frutal que tiene el sabor de cuatro frutas diferentes”.
“Eso no puede ser cierto, es completamente imposible”.
As�, que se van a la finca a probar el fruto. Una vez all�, el amigo muerde de un fruto y exclama:
“Esto s�lo sabe a melocot�n”.
“Dale la vuelta, dale la vuelta”, insiste el cultivador.
Le da la vuelta y el amigo responde asombrado: “�Caramba, pero si es magnifico, tambi�n sabe a pi�a!”
“Dale la vuelta, dale la vuelta”, vuelve a insistir el plantador.
“�Esto es impresionante, ahora tiene el sabor del mel�n!”
“Pues dale otra vuelta y ver�s.”
Le da otra vuelta y el amigo queda estupefacto: “�Pero si esto es una bomba, sabe a mandarina, tienes que patentar este frutal!”
Al cabo de unos meses, se encuentran otra vez y el agricultor le dice al amigo: “Ahora tengo una fruta que da el sabor de las mujeres”.
“�Eso si que es imposible, no puede existir esa fruta!”
De modo que van a la finca y el amigo desprende una del �rbol.
“�Aaahhjj, pero si esto sabe a mierda!”
“�Pues dale la vuelta, dale la vuelta!”
Backspin
Amateur: “How do you get so much backspin?”
Pro: “Before I answer that, tell me, how far do you hit a 5 iron?”
Amateur: “About 130.”
Pro: “Then why in the world would you want the ball to spin back?”
The Amazing Golf Ball
Three guys are starting a round of golf. They all pull out their
golf balls for inspection. The third guy pulls out a pink golf
ball. Needless to say the other two guys laugh at him and call
him names.
“Laugh all you want,” he says, “but you can never lose this golf
ball.” “How?” reply the other two. “Well, if you hit the ball
into the woods it is eay to find because it is pink.” “I’ve been
to lots of courses where you would not find that ball.” says the
first guy. “Well, it also starts beeping when it is lost.” the
third guy replies. “That is useless if you hit it into the
water” sneers the second guy. “If you hit the ball into the
water, the ball has an flotation device built into it and it
floats to the surface.” the third guy replies. “That is all well
and good but how do you get the ball if it is just floating
thre? You don’t know how far out it will be” the first guy says.
“It also has a solar panel in the side of the ball. It uses
solar power to get itself to the nearest shore.” “That’s bloody
amazing!I guess you were right, you really can’t lose it,” says
the second guy, “but where did you get such a great ball from? I
would like to buy one.” The guy replies, “I found it.”