Author: admin

The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student’s immediate family.A smart ass student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. ‘But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?’ As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look. ‘Well,’ he responded, ‘I guess you’ll just have to learn to write with your other hand.’

Microsoft:

YOU ARE ATTEMPTING TO INSTALL WINDOWS XP, ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO CONTINUE?

Yes.

ARE YOU REALLY SURE?

Yes.

ARE YOU REALLY REALLY SURE?

*****yes!******

OK, THEN. JUST SO YOU KNOW, WE’RE REQUIRED TO ASK YOU THAT NOW. IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT FOR BEING A PICKY CONSUMER AND SUPPORTING THAT WHOLE “ANTI-TRUST” NONSENSE. INGRATE.

Just get on with it.

ATTEMPTING TO INSTALL WINDOWS XP. FIRST WE NEED TO CHECK YOUR SYSTEM FOR COMPATIBILITY. THIS COULD TAKE SEVERAL DAYS.

Groan.

THE INSTALL PROGRAM HAS DETECTED SEVERAL POSSIBLE PROBLEMS AND WILL NOT LET YOU INSTALL XP.

Problems? What problems?

THE VIDEO CARD YOU ARE USING APPARENTLY DOES NOT WORK WITH THE MOTHERBOARD.

But I’m using it at this very moment.

THAT IS IRRELEVANT.

But if the video card isn’t working with the mother board then I can’t very well see this warning message telling me that the video card wasn’t…

DO NOT ATTEMPT TO FOOL ME WITH LOGIC, I AM A MICROSOFT PRODUCT. LOGIC DOES NOT WORK ON ME. I HAVE ALSO FOUND THE FOLLOWING MINOR ERRORS: WINDOWS XP IS INCOMPATIBLE WITH THE FOLLOWING HARDWARE – MONITOR, KEYBOARD, MEMORY CHIPS, MOTHERBOARD BIOS, WEB CAM, SCANNER, SOUND CARD, USB CONTROLLER, CD/R DRIVE, MICROPHONE, AND FLIGHT STICK.

All that?

YES. AND THE HARD DRIVE IS RIGHT OUT TOO. WE DON’T LIKE THE MANUFACTURER.

Well what *DOES* work?

THE MOUSE.

The mouse?

YES. AND THE 5 1/4 DRIVE.

I don’t have a 5 1/4 drive.

YES YOU DO.

No I don’t.

WHAT’S THAT THEN?

It’s a 3 1/2 drive.

NO IT ISN’T.

Yes it is.

YOU’RE NOT THAT SMART YOU KNOW.

Look, can you just install XP on my system and I’ll download the latest drivers for everything later? Please?

WAIT, WHAT DO YOU MEAN *YOUR* SYSTEM?

Well it is mine.

NO IT ISN’T.

It bloody well is.

NUH-UH. YOU SIGNED THE AGREEMENT WHEN YOU OPENED THE BOX. OUR SYSTEM. IT’S OURS. AND YOU CAN ONLY DO 4 CHANGES BEFORE YOU HAVE TO PAY US MORE MONEY.

But why?

BECAUSE THAT’S HOW THE LICENSE WORKS, IDJIT. WE CAN’T VERY WELL HAVE PEOPLE PUTTING HARDWARE AND SOFTWARE ON THEIR SYSTEMS ALL HIGGLEDY PIGGLEDY, NOW COULD WE? YOU USERS WOULD MUCK EVERYTHING UP, AND THEN WHERE WOULD WE BE? I’LL TELL YOU WHERE, NOWHERE. THAT’S WHERE. I… HEY, WHAT IS THAT? WHAT ARE YOU DOING? IS THAT A DISK? WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT DISK? YOU’RE NOT PUTTING IT IN THE DRIVE ARE YOU? YOU ARE! WHAT’S ON THAT DISK? IS THAT DOS? YOU’RE INSTALLING DOS?? WHY WOULD YOU INSTALL DOS WHEN I AM INFINITELY MORE POWE……….

C:>

NAME: Greg Bulmash
DESIRED POSITION:
Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position
to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY:
$185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance
package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION:
Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY:
Less than I’m worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING:
It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.
PREFERRED HOURS:
1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?
Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?
If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO
50 LBS?
Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?
I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that
runs?”
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?
Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I’m the
greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?
No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE:
Scorpio with Libra rising.