Two signs found on top of one another in a country kitchen several years ago: Restrooms to the left. Please wait for the hostess to seat you.Seen in a health food store. “Shoplifters will be beaten over the head with an organic carrot””Children left unattended will be towed at parents expense.” I went to a little hole in the wall restaurant: the sign read: Women are not served here. You have to bring your own. At a Santa Fe gas station: “We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.”
Author: admin
Crazy Nun
One day a little old nun was going 35 miles and hour down the highway. The cop pulled her over because she was so slow and asked her why she didn’t go any faster.
She pointed at the sign that said highway 35 on it and said that was the speed limit. The cop corrected her and told her that it was highway 35.
The cop looked in the back and saw two scared nuns. He asked them what was wrong and they said, “We just got off highway 130!”
I TOLD YOU SO
CINDY:I BET I CAN MAKE YOU SAY BLACK!
RYAN:HOW?
CINDY:OK. WHATS THE COLOR OF THE AMERICAN FLAG.
RYAN:RED,WHITE AND BLUE.
CINDY:I TOLD YOU I CAN MAKE YOU SAY BLUE.
RYAN:PUT YOU SAID BLACK.
CINDY:HA, GOT YA!
Flying
This is an true story of what was said over the P.A. system on a
Southwest Airline.
Me and my friends were coming back from a trip to Washington and
we were all on the plane together.
Woman: as we prepare to take off please make sure your seatbelts
are tightly fastened across your lips. Oh I mean hips!
Laughing throughout the cabin
Women: if the cabin should loose it pressure nitrogen masks will
fall from the ceiling. Those of you with small children, those
with people acting like children, and for women who wish they
never had children please put yours on first.
Women: we are cleared now so prepare for blast off
Dog vs. Fox
Q: What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
A: About five drinks.
Define “Serious” (news item)
“This is extremely serious. ” — Don Perry, of the Chick-fil-A fast-food chain, on Chick-fil-A’s suing Burger King because Burger King’s ad campaign, in which chickens hold up signs saying, “Save the Chickens: Eat a Whopper,” is similar to Chick-fil-A’s ad campaign, in which a cow urges consumers to “Eat Mor Chikin” (Chicago Sun�Times)
My wife says I never listen to her….
My wife says I never listen to her.
At least I think that’s what she said.
Old Age Sex
A senior citizen visits his doctor for a routine check-up and everything seems fine. The doctor asks him about his sex life.
“Well…” the man drawled, “not bad at all to be honest. The wife ain’t all that interested anymore, so I just cruise around. In the past week I was able to pick-up and bed at least three girls, none of whom were over thirty years old.”
“My goodness Jack, and at your age too.” the doctor said. “I hope you took at least some precautions.”
“Yep. I may be old, but I ain’t senile yet doc. I gave ’em all a phony name.”
Her secret (really sick)
This bloke picks up woman at the local pub. They go for a romantic walk down the street. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll his lustful desires rise to a fever pitch.He is just about to put the hard word on her when she says, “I hope you don’t mind but I’m busting to have a piss”.Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, “OK why don’t you go behind these bushes”.She nods in agreement and disappears behind the bushes. As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed.Unable to contain himself for another moment, he reaches through a gap in the foliage, his hand touching her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly he finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs.He shouts in horror “My God, don’t tell me your really a bloke!”.”No” she replies”, “I’ve changed my mind, I’m having a shit instead.”
Hero sandwhich
why did super man dip him self in mustard and wrap him self in cheese? HE WANTED TO MAKE A HERO SANDWHICH
Why do Mexicans drive lowriders?
Q. Why do Mexicans drive lowriders?
A. So they can pick cabbage and drive at the same time.
Aussie Bank Robbers
A group of Aussie gangsters are sitting around deliberating over methods they will employ in robbing a bank. After a lot of thought, they all agree on the way to go about it.In the wee hours of the following morning they meet and embark on their plans to get rich.Once inside the bank, efforts at disabling the internal security system get under way immediately. The robbers, expecting to find one or two huge safes filled with cash and valuables, are more than surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered strategically throughout the bank.The first safe’s combination is cracked and inside the robbers find only a bowl of vanilla pudding.’Well,’ says one robber to another, ‘at least we get a bit to eat.’They open up the second safe and it also contains nothing but vanilla pudding and the process continues until all the safes are opened and there is not one dollar, a diamond, or an ounce of gold to be found. Instead, all the safes contain containers of pudding.Disappointed, each of the mobsters makes a quiet exit, leaving with nothing more than queasy, uncomfortably full stomachs.The following morning, a Sydney newspaper headline reads, ‘Australia’s largest sperm bank robbed early this morning.’