A champion jockey is about

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a
new horse. The horse’s trainer meets him before the race and
says, ”All you have to remember with this horse is that every
time you approach a jump, you have to shout, ‘ALLLLEEE OOOP!’
really loudly in the horse’s ear. Providing you do that,
you’ll be fine.”

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the
command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle.
The jockey ignores the trainer’s ridiculous advice and the
horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey,
somewhat embarrassed, whispers ‘Aleeee ooop’ in the horse’s
ear. The same thing happens–the horse crashes straight through
the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, ”It’s no good, I’ll
have to do it,” and yells, ”ALLLEEE OOOP!” really loudly. Sure
enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This
continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier
problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The
jockey replies, ”Nothing is wrong with me–it’s this bloody
horse. What is he–deaf or something?”

The trainer replies, ”Deaf?? DEAF?? He’s not deaf–he’s BLIND!”

Frog in a bank

A frog walks into his local bank and walks up to the counter.

“I would like a loan of �30,000 please.” he asks the clerk, whose name is Patrick Whack. “Thirty thousand pounds? That’s a lot of money, you know.” says Paddy, “You’ll need a collateral for that amount of money.”

“That’s okay,” says the frog, “I have this.” And he pulls out of his pocket a tiny pink ceramic elephant. “What’s this? I can’t accept this as collateral.” “Don’t worry,” says the frog, “I know the manager, he’s a good friend of mine. Tell him his friend Kermit Jagger is here.”

Paddy gets up from his chair and goes to the manager’s office, taking the little pink elephant with him. He shows it to the manager and says “There’s a frog out there says he knows you, his name is Kermit Jagger. He want to borrow �30,
000… he gave this as collateral… what on earth is it?”

The manager takes the little elephant, studies it for a second and says… “It’s a nick-nack Paddy Whack, give the frog a loan, his old man’s a Rolling Stone.”

Making cakes

A mother and daughter were walking through the park one sunny afternoon. They passed a bench where two teenagers were making out. The daughter turns to her mother and asks

“What are they doing?”

The mother stutters and replies

“They are making cakes dear”

The next day the mother took the daughter to the zoo. They went to see the gorillas. When they got there the gorillas were shagging in the cage. Again the daughter turns to the mother and asks

“What are they doing?”

The mother is not as shocked and remembers what she had said to her daughter in the park.

“They are making cakes dear”

That night the mother and father got jiggy on the sofa. The next morning the daughter comes into the kitchen and asks her mother

“Mum, were you and dad making cakes on the sofa last night?”

The mother was very embarrassed and turn to her daughter and said

“Why dear?”

To that the daughter replied

“Because i just licked the icing off of the sofa”

A man is driving down the freeway when he…

A man is driving down the freeway when he sees a sign that says; “Get gas
and free sex here”. So obviously the guy was interested, so he stopped,
filled up went inside to pay.

“Pick a number from 1 – 10 to get free sex.” said the cashier.

“Uh, okay, 3!” the man replied.

“Nope! Sorry play again”.

So the guy drove around for weeks always getting gas at the same place,
because he wanted his free sex. One day he was really ticked:

“This has got to be rigged! I have never gotten the number to have
free sex!” He screamed.

“Oh no! It’s not rigged, just ask your wife, she won 3 times last week
alone!”

Tres due�os de funerarias se

Tres due�os de funerarias se re�nen para tomarse unos tragos. El primero les comenta a los otros dos que el caso m�s dif�cil para �l fue preparar a un hombre que le hab�an dado treinta pu�aladas.

“Eso no es nada, a m� me toc� preparar una persona que ten�a el brazo dentro del o�do y le sal�an los dedos por el cerebro”, afirma otro.

“Pues a m� me toc� preparar una viejita que la hab�an violado doce tipos…”, declara el tercero.

“�Y d�nde est� la dificultad?”, preguntan intrigados los otros dos.

“�En que me cost� mucho quitarle la cara de felicidad!”