Classified Ad:
Free Puppies:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel-
1/2 Sneaky Neighbor’S Dog
Author: admin
El jefe est� teniendo una
El jefe est� teniendo una aventura amorosa con su secretaria. Una tarde en el motel, tras una intensa juerga, el hombre, poco acostumbrado a tanta actividad, se queda profundamente dormido.
Cuando despierta, a las 8:30 de la noche, se da cuenta de lo tarde que se le ha hecho para regresar a su hogar.
“�Ap�rate!”, le dice a la secretaria, “mientras me visto, lleva mis zapatos al jard�n del motel y emb�rralos de lodo”.
Sorprendida, la secretaria obedece. Cuando el tipo llega a la casa una hora despu�s y su esposa le reclama, el hombre dice:
“No puedo mentirte, querida. Me pas� la tarde con mi secretaria en un motel, despu�s me qued� dormido y se me hizo tarde para regresar a casa”.
La esposa, contemplando los zapatos del hombre, irritada le grita:
“�Vil mentiroso, otra vez te escapaste a jugar golf!”
Computer Down
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, “I’d like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You’ll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can’t go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?”
The first priest says, “I’ve always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains.”
“So be it,” says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, “Will any of this week ‘count’, St. Peter?”
“No, I told you the computer’s down. There’s no way we can keep track of what you’re doing.”
“In that case,” says the second priest, “I’ve always wanted to be a stud.”
“So be it” says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. “Will you have any trouble locating them?” He asks.
“The first one should be easy,” says St. Peter. “He’s somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult.”
“Why?” asketh the Lord.
“He’s on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota.”
Technical Stupidity Sightings
Sighting #1: I was busy writing some computer program for one of my classes and my roommate asked me if he could use my coffee maker. I said, ‘Sure.’ The next thing I hear is, ‘Hey, where do you put the coffee?’ I turn to see that he has filled the filter basket with water and is unsuccessfully trying to keep the water in the basket by plugging the hole at the bottom with his finger. He and the floor are both covered with water. Sighting #2: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, ‘Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?’ I said, ‘If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?’ He smiled and nodded knowingly, ‘That’s why we ask.’ Sighting #3: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, ‘What on earth are blind people doing driving?’ Sighting #4: At a goodbye lunch for an old and dear co-worker who is leaving the company due to ‘rightsizing,’ our manager spoke up and said, ‘This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often.’ Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck. Sighting #5: I worked with an Induhvidual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on. Sighting #6 (a rare ‘double Sighting’): A friend had a brilliant idea for saving disk space. He thought if he put all his Microsoft Word documents into a tiny font they’d take up less room. When he told me I was with another friend. She thought it was a good idea too. Sighting #7 (from Tech Support): Tech Support: ‘How much free space do you have on your hard drive?’ Induhvidual: ‘Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?’ Sighting #8 (from Tech Support): Induhvidual: Now what do I do? Tech Support: What is the prompt on the screen? Induhvidual: It’s asking for ‘Enter Your Last Name.’ Tech Support: Okay, so type in your last name. Induhvidual: How do you spell that?
Free Haircuts
A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay
for the haircut but the barber refused saying “you do God’s work.”
The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.
A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber
refused payment saying “you protect the public.” The next morning the
barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.
A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying “you serve the justice system.” The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a haircut.
WHITE HAIR
One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the
kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white
hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, “Why are some of your hairs
white, mom?”
Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me
cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.”
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while, and then said,
“Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?”
School
The lawyer’s son wanted to follow in his father’s footsteps, so he went to
law school. He graduated with honors, and then went home to join his father’s
firm. At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father’s office,
“Father, father, in one day I broke that accident case that you’ve been working
on for the past four years!” “You did what!” His father exclaimed. “You idiot,
what do you think put you through law school!”
Stay over one night
A hindu priest, rabbi and a lawyer were driving down the road, when the car breaks down. Fortunately finding a farmhouse nearby, the farmer informed them that he had only one spare room, and that it had only two twin beds.They were welcome to it, but one of them had to sleep in the barn. After much discussion, the hindu volunteered to go to the barn. A few moments later, a knock on the bedroom door, and the hidu explained that there was a cow in the barn, and cows are sacred and he could not possibly sleep in the barn with a cow.Annoyed, the rabbi volunteered. A few moments later, a knock on the door. The rabbi explained that there was a pig in the barn and that he, being very orthodox, could not possibly spend the evening in the barn with the origin of pork.Finally the lawyer said that he would go to the barn. A few moments later there was a knock on the door. It was the cow and the pig!
Do you think that I’ll lose my looks when I get ol
Do you think that I’ll lose my looks when I get older
with luck, yes?
Wedding Questions and Answers
Is it all right to bring a date to the wedding?
Not if you are the groom.
How many showers is the bride supposed to have?
At least one within a week of the wedding.
What music is recommended for the wedding ceremony?
Anything except “Tied to the Whipping Post”.
Our Dr’s Are Better
An Israeli doctor said, “Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.”
A German doctor said, “That’s nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.”
A Russian doctor said, “In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.”
The American doctor, not to be outdone, said “Ha!. We are about to take an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country will be looking for work the next day.
Black on bike
What do you call a black guy on a bike?
A thief!