Q: How many cats does it takes to screw in a light bulb?A: You can throw away your light bulbs. Just douse the cat with gasoline, light it up with a match, and you’ll have all the light you need.
Author: admin
Hard
What is particularly long and hard for most Southern men?
Fifth grade.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo
Sandwiches
There were two rumates and the one that slept ontop brung his girlfriend and he told her when they have sex for his room mate wont here if it herts say bread if you want me to go fast say Lettuce and if you want me to go slow say tomatoes.Then the next day when they woke up his room mate says “your awake?they said ” yes”well then u better stop making sandwiches at night cause you got mainaise in my mouth and eyes.
Ways to be annoying in computer labs
26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you, grinding. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor’s keyboard as you leave.28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.
Did you hear about the
Did you hear about the [ethnic] who was tap dancing?
He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.
Walking On Water
Jesus and St Paul are in heaven talking about the pollution in
the seas and rvers of the earth. The Holy Son Says he is going
down to view the situation himself 7 Paul agrees to join
him.When they get there, Jesus discovers a huge metal pipe. Paul
explains to him that it taks the waste out to sea where it kills
the sealife. Jesus then walks out to sea on top of the waves
where Paul follows underneath the surface. He keeps walking on
in amazement of jesus skill to be able to walk on water but
finally asks for some help.
“Master, I will follow you anywhere but im am up to my neck in
freezing cold shitty water and i think im going to drown.
Jesus looks at paul and says “Why don’t you walk on the pipe
like me then you stupid twat?”
Question and answer Clinton joke
Q: How do you know when a liberal is really dead?A: His heart stops bleeding.
SIGNS YOU PUT YOUR KID IN THE WRONG PRE-SCHOOL
* Child comes home without glasses claiming to have lost them in a game of
“Lord of the Flies.”
* Your son thinks making hand-puppets requires a paper bag, some water paints,
and no pants.
* “OK, kids! Gather ’round the pentagram for sing-a-long time!”
* Potty training involves a lighter, a clip and rolling papers.
* No student has ever jumped from Mary Margaret’s School for the Gender
Ambiguous directly into the NBA.
* Practice of “trapping and killing your lunch” not mentioned in brochure.
* Leather-clad teacher announces that today’s letters are S and M.
* The classroom hamster is really just a wad of cotton from an aspirin bottle.
* She can’t say her ABC’s, but she can re-sole your Nikes in 20 seconds flat.
* Even the baby bottles have pierced nipples.
* For snack time, it’s always anchovies and Clamato.
* “Do-Bee” always seems to have the munchies.
* The teacher sends home a note reading, “Your snot-nosed little bastard keeps
getting into my tequila.”
* On the first day, the children are divided into “pimps” and “hos.”
Everything should be made as simple as possible,…
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
90210
Your momma is so fat the last time she saw 90210 was on the scale.
Why I’m tired
Yes, I’m tired. For several years I’ve been blaming it on iron-poor blood,
lack of vitamins, air pollution, water pollution, saccharin, obesity, dieting,
yellow wax build-up, and a dozen other maladies that make you wonder if life is
really worth living.
But now I find out, tain’t that. I’m tired because I’m
overworked.
The population of this country is 200 million. Eighty-four million are
retired. That leaves 116 million to do the work.
There are 75 million in school, which leaves 41 million to do the work. Of
this total, there are 22 million employed by the government.
That leaves 19 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Forces,
which leaves 15 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City
Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in
hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
Now there are 11,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the
work. You and me. And you’re sitting there reading this. No wonder I’m tired.
Question and answer Christmas joke
Q: What do elves learn in school?A: The Elf-abet!