Three old ladies were confronted by a flasher.
The first had a stroke, and the second had a stroke but the third wouldn’t touch it.
Author: admin
Wallet
Two fishermen were out on the lake when one of them dropped his wallet.
As they watched the wallet float down to the depths of the lake, a carp came along and snatched up the wallet.
Soon came another carp who stole it away and then a third joined in.
“That’s the first time I’ve ever seen carp-to-carp walleting,” remarked one of the fisherman.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Insults 6
Slit your wrists – it will lower your blood pressure.
So stupid, he moves his lips when watching TV.
So ugly, robbers give him their masks to wear.
So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely
journey.
Some day you will find yourself – and wish you hadn’t.
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
What’s logic?
One day Barry-a redneck man, and his friend Billy Bob decided to
go to college. They decided that one of them would go the
nearest university and see how to enroll. They decided that
since it was Barry’s idea, he should go. Once at the college, he
asked how he could enroll in college. They gave him a test on
his IQ-which he barely passed. They then asked him which
classes he wished to enroll in and listed off a couple classes.
Mathematics, History, Chemistry, English, and Logic were some.
Barry asked, “Well what’s logic?”
The headmaster said, “Well, it’s hard to explain, so maybe I
can show you. Do you own a weedwacker?” Barry said he did.
The head master said, “If you have a weedwacker, then I can
concur that you have a lawn.”
“Wow! That’s amazing! You’re right!”
“Also, if you have a lawn, you probably have a house. If you
have a house, you probaly have a wife.”
“Yep, thats exactly right! Do ya got any more?”
“Well, if you have a wife, I think i am right in saying that
you are heterosexual.” At the look of puzzlement on Barry’s
face, he added,”You’re not gay.”
“Well, gosh darn professor, thats amazing! Sign me up for
logic!”
Barry went home to tell Billy Bob about how great college
was. He said that he signed up for the class Logic.
Billy Bob asked, “What’s logic?”
“Well, it’s difficult to explain,” said Barry, “so I’ll show
you. Do you own a weedwacker?”
“Actually, I don’t.” said Billy Bob.
Barry said, “You’re a queer aintcha!!!”
Anti aircraft weapon
The USA blamed the Russian companies that they were supplying Bagdad with the elastic band for pants. Iraq engineers made the catapults of them and now Iraq soldiers are striking a blow to American air forces.
Victorian Train
A man travelling on a train ask the ticket collector what time the train stops at Victoria. “This train doesn’t stop at Victoria, its the express”
“Your joking!, I NEED to get off at Victoria”
“Sorry sir, this train will not stop at Victoria”
“There must be something you can do”
“Well there is one thing”
“What, anything, I need to get off”
“Well, I’ll get the driver to slow down and I’ll dangle you out the door and lower you onto the platform”
“my god! will that work”
“Its worth a try”
The train approaches the platform at 50 mph. The ticket collector hangs the man in mid air out the door, The man starts running! The man is running in mid air. “Run faster! Run faster!”
The ticket collector lowers the man down. The mans feet touch the platform! Smoke flies of his shoes and his heel comes off. The man is running for his life! The ticket collector lets go. The man is running at 30mph!! He’s made it, he begins to slow down He’s still running at 20mph along side the train as the other passengers watch in amazement
As the last carriage goes by a hand grabs the man by the shirt collar and lifts him back onto the train. As he’s being pulled into the carriage he hears a voice say….. “Your lucky I was here to help, this train doesn’t even stop at Victoria!!!!”
Q. What do you say to a woman who can suck…
Q. What do you say to a woman who can suck an orange through a water hose?
A. Darling.
yo mama so fat when she licks her fingers…
yo mama so fat when she licks her fingers at KFC she licks everyones fingers
Halloween movie safety tips
If you happen to end up in a Halloween or horror movie, it is worthwhile to remember a few simple rules to help keep yourself healthy, happy and safe (in other words, not dead).
1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it’s really dead.
2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.
4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else’s voice.
5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off or go alone. Hit the first person that says, “Let’s split up.”
6. As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open portals to Hell. It’s just not that fun.
7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.
8. If you’re searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it’s just the cat, GET OUT OF THERE ANYWAY!
9. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits; just get out.
10. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.
11. If you find a town which looks deserted, there’s probably a good reason for it. Don’t stop and look around.
12. Don’t fool with recombining DNA technology unless you’re sure you know what you’re doing.
13. If you’re running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are female. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it’s still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.
15. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you’re in trouble if you recognize this one), anywhere in Texas where chain saws are sold, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange you ran out of gas because you thought you had most of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.
17. Beware of strangers bearing tools. For example: chain saws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawn mowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased companions.
18. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices.
19. Dress appropriately. When investigating a noise downstairs in an old house, women should not wear a flimsy negligee. And carry a flashlight, not a candle. Make that two flashlights!
20. Do not mention the names of demons around open flames, as these can flare suddenly. Be especially careful of fireplaces in this regard.
21. Do not go looking for witches in the Maryland countryside.
A pilot was flying a small
A pilot was flying a small charter plane
There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into the Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out. He began circling around looking for a landmark.
Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with a guy working alone on the fifth floor. He banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy, “Hey where am I?” to which the man replies, “You’re in an airplane.”
The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to perform a perfect blind landing on the airport runway 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.
The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. “Quite easy,” replies the pilot, “I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore, that must be Microsoft’s support office and from there the airport is just five miles due East.”
Porque hacen pip� en cualquier
Porque hacen pip� en cualquier lado.
Porque s�lo se entienden con los de su raza.
Porque hablan otro idioma.
Porque ‘ladran’ pero no ‘muerden’.
Porque s�lo piensan en comer.
Porque se van detr�s de cualquier perra.
Porque lloran cuando los dejan solos.
Porque se ponen felices cuando los sacamos a pasear.
Porque uno los echa y siempre vuelven.
Porque son f�ciles de distraer.
Porque se dejan llevar solo por sus instintos… �No piensan!
Porque hay variedad de razas y colores.
Porque a veces estorban.
Porque entre m�s cansada est� una m�s remolones se ponen.
Porque cuando eructan creen que es una gracia.
Porque los perros comen cualquier cosa.
Porque son m�s bonitos cuando peque�os.
Porque hay que vacunarlos contra la rabia.
Porque manejan tan bien como un perro.
Porque todo hay que dec�rselos y repet�rselos 20 veces.
Porque hay que gritarles para que entiendan.
New Name
So, I recently took a tour of the White House, and on the tour our
guide pointed out the new name to the “Oval Office”, seems someone
liked the name the “Oral Office” better!