Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that. At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, ‘Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?’ The other replied, ‘Yes I am, I married the wrong man.’Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor’s degree and the woman gets her master’s.A little boy asked his father, ‘Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?’ And the father replied, ‘I don’t know, son, I’m still paying for it.’Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in most countries, son.Then there was a man who said, ‘I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.When a newly married man looks happy we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy – we wonder why.Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, ‘You know, I was a fool when I married you.’ And the husband replied, ‘Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice it.’It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds : ‘Wife wanted’. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: ‘You can have mine.’When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.A woman was telling her friend , ‘It is I who made my husband a millionaire.’ ‘And what was he before you married him.’ Asked the friend. The woman replied, ‘ A multi-millionaire’.
Author: admin
A sermon on temperance
A preacher was completing a sermon on temperance. With great expression he said, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river!” The congregation nodded their approval. With even greater emphasis the preacher added, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river, too!” The people clapped and said, “AMEN.” “And if I had all the whiskey in the world,” said the preacher, “I’d take it and throw it into the river!” As the reverend sat down, the song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, “For our closing song, let us sing Hymn 365: ‘Shall We Gather at the River.'”
Deposit
A little old lady entered the main branch of a large downtown bank with a large grocery bag in her arms.
She told the teller that she wanted to open an account to make a substantial deposit, in excess of $200,000.
Further, she said that since such a large sum was involved, she would deal only with the president of the bank to make the necessary arrangements.
The teller looked in the bag and confirmed that it was, in fact, full of cash. He called upstairs and explained the situation to the bank president, who agreed to see the woman.
The teller escorted her to the presidents office, and the president invited her to have a seat, which she accepted.
She repeated her request to open an account. The president said he would take care of it personally, but his curiosity was killing him.
He said, “Mind if I ask how you happened to come into such a large sum of cash?”
“Not at all,” was her reply.
“I bet.”
“You bet?” he countered.
“At the racetrack, or on professional sports, or in casinos…?”
“Nothing like that,” she said.
“I just … bet. For example, I’ll bet you $50,000 that by tomorrow morning your balls will be square.”
The president chuckled but, seeing that the lady had the funds to back up such a wild bet, agreed.
They shook hands on it, and she promised to return at nine the next morning to follow up, and left.
As the day wore on, the president found himself frequently checking to make sure that all was in order. It was, but just as a precaution he cancelled his regular Tuesday-afternoon golf match and went home early.
The next morning when he showered, he was actually quite relieved to find that nothing had changed drastically while he slept.
He confidently headed for the bank, laughing all the way at the unexpected windfall that was about to become his.
The little old lady showed up promptly at the appointed hour, accompanied by a young man. When the president asked who he was, she replied that he was her lawyer, who she always brought along when payoffs involving significant sums were involved.
The president told her that sorry, she had lost that particular bet, so the funds would be outgoing rather than incoming.
She insisted on examining the evidence for herself, considering the amount at stake. He deemed it a reasonable request under the circumstances, so he stood up, unbuckled his belt and dropped his pants.
She proceeded to closely inspect his jewels for any abnormalities. As she did, the president noticed that her lawyer was standing in the corner, banging his head against the wall. He asked the lady, “What’s the matter with him?”
She paused her inspection long enough to glance at the lawyer and replied,
“Oh, him. I bet him $250,000 that before ten A.M. today I’d have the president of the bank by the balls.”
Breast Exam Poem
For years and years they told me,
be careful of your breasts.
Don’t ever squeeze or bruise them.
And give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings,
and protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
and I always wore my bra.
After 30 years of astute care,
my doctor found a lump.
She ordered up a mammogram,
to look inside that bump.
“Stand up very close” she said.
As she got my boob in line,
“And tell me when it hurts” she said.
“Ah yes! There, that’s fine.
She stepped upon a pedal.
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate pressed down and down,
my boob was in a vise!
My skin was stretched and stretched,
from way up under my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish pancake thin.
Excruciating pain I felt.
Within it’s vice-like grip.
A prisoner in this viscous thing,
my poor defenseless tit!
“Take a deep breath” she said to me,
who does she think she’s kidding?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
and woozy I am getting.
“There, that was good,” I heard her say
as the room was slowly swaying.
“Now, let’s have a go at the other one.”
Lord has mercy I was praying.
It squeezed me from up and down.
It squeezed me from both sides.
I’ll bet she’s never had this done,
not to her tender little hide!
If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
it would have popped, “ker-pow!”
This machine was created by a man,
of this, I have no doubt.
I’d like to stick his balls in there,
and see how they come out!
PROMIES LAND
Brian Mulroney is my shepherd I shell soon want He leadth me beside still factorys and abandond farms He restorth my doubt about the Tories He annointed my wages with taxes and inflation so my expenses runneth over my income surely poverty, hard living shell follow the Tories And I shell work on a rented farm And live in a rented house forever, Five thousand years ago, MOSES said,; pick up your shovels, mount your asses,and , I will lead you to the promies land!. one hundred years Trudeau said ,lay down your shovels , get off your asses ,an light up a camel THIS IS THE PROMIES LAND,!!!!!!!!! This year Brian Mulroney will take your shovels, sell your camel, kick your ass,and tell you he gave away the promies land,. Iam glad to be a CANADIAN Iam glad to be freebut if I had a wish this is what it would be that I was a dog and Mulroney was a tree THANK YOU [email protected]
Mike Tyson in Grade School
Mike Tyson came home from 2nd grade and said “Mom, I’ve got the biggest dick in my class – is that cuz I’m black?”
“No son, that’s cuz your 18”
When you participate in sporting events, it’s…
When you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose
… it’s how drunk you get
– Homer J. Simpson
A pig walks into a bar
A pig walks into a bar and says to the bartender ”Can I have a pint of beer please”
The bartender says ”Certainly sir, that’s �1.80 please”
And the pig goes ”Well, the thing is before I cam here I’d just been to the fair and I went on all the rides, I went on the roundabout and I went round and round and round and then I went on the waltzes and I just went round and round and round and then I went on the helter skelter and I just kept going round and round and round and I think all my money must have fallen out of my pockets.”
And the bartender goes ”Well that’s all very well but why the round tale/tail?”
What causes arthritis?
A man who smelled like a distillery, flopped on a subway seat next to a
priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red
lipstick,and a half bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the
disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, “Say,Father, what causes
arthritis?”
“It’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much
alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man!”
“Well, I’ll be damned,” the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized. “I’m very sorry, I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long
have you had arthritis?”
“I don’t have it, Father, I was just reading here that the Pope does.”
Un tipo tartamudo va por
Un tipo tartamudo va por la calle cuando se encuentra con un amigo que tra�a una cara de zombie que no se la sacaba nadie, entonces le pregunta:
“�coco… coco… cococompadre! �Pepe… pepe… pepero queque te papa… papas�?”
“Es que mi mujer me enga�a campadre… snif… y m�s encima con mi jefe, no s� que hacer, he pensado en el suicidio, en todo!”
El tipo tartamudo trata de levantarle el animo y le dice:
“Pepepe… pepero lo queque… lo queque… lo que tienes que que… lo que titienes queque… lo que tienes que… uf (toma un poco de aire)… lolo… lolo… lo queque tienes queque… que hacer es ol… es ol… es ol… es olvividar… es olvidar… es olvidartete… es olvidarte coco… coco… cocompletamente cocompletamente… (una segunda inhalada de aire para continuar) lolo… lolo… lo queque tienes queque… que hacer es ol… es ol… es ol… es olvividar… es olvidar… es olvidartete… es olvidarte coco… coco… cocompletamente cocompletamente de ella.”
A lo que el amigo replica:
“�Claro, si para ti es FACIL DECIRLO!”
Venancio le platica a Manolo
Venancio le platica a Manolo muy angustiado:
“F�jate, Manolo, que siempre que bebo t� me duele el ojo izquierdo, y si bebo mucho, el ojo derecho tambi�n”.
“A m� tambi�n me dol�a antes, tal y como a ti te pasa en estos momentos, pero ya no”, le contesta Manolo con seguridad.
“�Cu�l fue el m�todo que usaste para que ya no te doliera?”, le pregunta con asombro.
“Muy f�cil, cuando termines de preparar tu t�, qu�tale la cucharita”.
New career
A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic.
So he found out from his local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all he could.
When time for the practical exam approached, he prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a mark of 150%.
Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting.”
The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.
You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.
I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the muffler…”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci