Author: admin

Diary of a New Snow Shoveler

Decenber 8th 6:00 PM
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9th
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight!Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had. Shovelled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12th
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we’ll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to see snow again. I don’t think that’s possible. Bob is such a nice man I’m glad he’s our neighbor

December 14th
Snow, lovely snow! 8″ last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The
cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I
warmed up shovelling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The
snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shovelling, but I’ll certainly get back into shape this way. I wish I wouldn’t huff and puff so.

December 15th
20 inches in the forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer. Bought
snow tires for the wife’s car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that’s silly. We aren’t in Alaska after all..

December 16th
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel

Decenber 17th
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. God I hate it when she’s right. More shovelling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they’re to busy playing hockey. I think they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he’s lying..

December 22nd
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of white shit fell today, and it’s so cold it probably won’t melt ’till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed, and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter but he says he’s too busy. I think the asshole is lying.

December 23rd
Only 2″ of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to
decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she…nuts?> Why
didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she’s damn well lying.

December 24th
6″. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was
having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I’ll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I’ve just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the goddamn snowplow.

December 25th
Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the @#$%%^&*(!-slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shovelling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shove. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she’s an idiot. If I have to watch “It’s A Wonderful Life” one more time, I’m going to kill her

December 26th
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was ALL HER idea. She’s really getting on my nerves.

December 27th
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.

December 28th
Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me
crazy!!!!!

December 29th
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That’s the silliest thing I ever hear. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30th
The roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her Mother. 9″ predicted.

December 31st

Set fire to what’s left of the house. No more shovelling.

Januare 8th
I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.Why am I tied to the bed?????

Earlier this year, the dazed crew of a Japanese Trawler was plucked out
of the Sea of Japan clinging to the wreckage of their sunken ship.

Their rescue, however, was followed by immediate imprisonment once
authorities questioned the sailors on their ship’s loss. To a man they
claimed that a cow, falling out of a clear blue sky, had struck the
trawler amidships, shattering it’s hull and sinking the vessel within
minutes.

They remained in prison for several weeks, until the Russian Air Force
reluctantly informed Japanese authorities that the crew of one of its
cargo planes had apparently stolen a cow wandering at the edge of a
Siberian airfield, forced the cow into the plane’s hold and hastily taken
off for home.

Unprepared for live cargo, the Russian crew was ill-equipped to manage a
now rampaging cow within its hold. To save the aircraft and themselves,
they shoved the animal out of the cargo hold as they crossed the Sea of
Japan at an altitude of 30,000 feet.