- Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
- Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
- Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
- You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
- Perhaps you know why women over fifty don’t have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
- One of life’s mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a person gain five pounds.
- My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
- Every time I think about exercise, I lie down until the thought goes away.
- God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.
- It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
- I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
- There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.
- Time may be a great healer, but it’s also a lousy beautician.
- The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
- Age doesn’t always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
- Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
- Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
- I don’t mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.
- Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes.
- It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.
- Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
- Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
- Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.