- The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
- If you smoke after sex, your doing it too fast.
- I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
- If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
- Good girls get fat, bad girls get eaten.
- We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
- Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
- Born free… taxed to death.
- The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
- Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
- A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
- A cat almost always blinks when hit in the head with a ball peen hammer.
- There’s too much blood in my alcohol system.
- I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
- Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.
- WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
- You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
- BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.
- I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.
- So you’re a feminist…Isn’t that cute!
- Jesus may love you, but he won’t respect you in the morning.
- Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.
- I need someone really bad… are you really bad?
- If, a two letter word for futility
- I don’t care, I don’t have to.
- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
- Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
- To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
- I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
- Horn broken, watch for finger.
- All men are idiots … I married their king.
- The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
- My kid had sex with your honor student.
- Earth first…we’ll mine the other planets later.
- Give pizza chants.
- Don’t hit me. My lawyer’s in jail.
- This isn’t burger king, you can’t have it your way.
- How can I be overdrawn, I still have checks!
- If something goes without saying, LET IT!
- If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
- Help wanted telepathy: you know where to apply
- Work is for people who don’t know how to fish.
- IRS We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.
- Hard work has a future payoff, laziness pays off now.
- Jesus loves you… everyone else thinks your an asshole.
- Life’s a buffet… so eat me!
- I’m just driving this way to piss you off.
- Jesus paid for our sins… now lets get our money’s worth.
- Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.
- Missing your cat? Try looking under my tires.
- I love cats … dead ones
- I love cats … they taste just like chicken
- Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
- Keep honking, I’m reloading.
- Prevent inbreeding: ban country music.
- As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
- Spotted owl taste just like chicken.
- Hang up and drive.
- Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.
- Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.
- Snatch a kiss, or vice versa.
- I don’t have to be dead to donate my organ.
- WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition
- Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep
- I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather … Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
- Tow-ers will be violated
- Montana — At least our cows are sane!
- Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy T-shirt.
- Lord save me from your followers.
- Meat is yummy!
- Mean people rule!
- Guns don’t kill people, postal workers do.
- Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
- Born again pagan.
- God must love stupid people, he made so many.
- I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
- So many recipes, so few cats.
- Cats… the other white meat.
- The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
- I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
- Your kid may be an honor student but you’re still an IDIOT!
- There’s too much youth, how about a fountain of smart.
- Save a mouse… Eat pussy!
- P.E.T.A.: People Eating Tasty Animals
- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
- It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
- When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
- Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
- Friends don’t let Friends drive Naked.
- Wink, I’ll do the rest!
- Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.
- I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
- When there’s a will, I want to be in it!
- Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
- I love animals…they’re delicious.
- If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
- Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
- It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.
- Reality? That’s where the pizza delivery guy comes from!
- Forget about World Peace…..Visualize Using Your Turn Signal !
- Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
- Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
- I know what you’re thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
- Don’t drink and drive, you might hit a bump and spill your drink.
- Elvis is dead, and I’m not feeling to good myself.
- We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
- A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
- Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
- Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
- Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
- Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
- Beam me up Scotty, there are no virgins left.
- Beam me up Scotty, this planet sucks!
- Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
- Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
- I souport publik edekasion
- hoket on foniks werked fur me
- Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
- 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t.
- Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
- Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie!’… till you can find a rock.
- 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
- I like you, but I wouldn’t want to see you working with subatomic particles.
- I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.
- Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.