– To a man, say “Joe, how have you been?”, and carry on a
conversation with him like you’ve known him forever.
– Introduce yourself as Ochenga-Wangaa The great chief and begin
telling stories of your native island.
– Wave hands wildly at invisible flies buzzing around your head.
– Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
– Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering:
“Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut UP!”
– Whistle the first seven notes of “It’s a Small World”
incessantly.
– On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of
the elevator.
– Shave.
– Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside
ask: “Got enough air in there?”
– Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear
yours upside-down.
– Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall,
without getting off.
– When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the
doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
– Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake
and ask them to call you Admiral.
– On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it
stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go
“plink” at the bottom.
– Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then
announce: “I’ve got new socks on!”
– When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: “Oh,
not now, damn motion sickness!”
– Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
– Frown and mutter “gotta go, gotta go” then sigh and say “oops!”
– Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
– Sing “Mary had a little lamb” while continually pushing
buttons.
– Holler “Chutes away!” whenever the elevator descends.
– Walk on with a cooler that says “human head” on the side.
– Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce “You’re
one of THEM!” and move to the far corner of the elevator.
– Leave a box between the doors.
– Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for
them.
– Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers
“through” it.
– Start a sing-along.
– When the elevator is silent, look around and ask “is that your
beeper?”
– Play the harmonica.
– Shadow box.
– Say “Ding!” at each floor.
– Lean against the button panel.
– Say “I wonder what all these do” and push the red buttons.
– Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
– Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to
the other passengers that this is your “personal space.”
– Announce in a demonic voice: “I must find a more suitable host
body.”
– Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
– Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
– Stare at your thumb and say “I think it’s getting larger.”
– If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler “Bad touch!”
– Before you push a button, stare at it and say: OK, Raymond…
LetBs go!
– Draw a chalk outline of a person on the floor. When the other
passengers enter, say, “Poor Danny, he was my best friend.”
– Say, “See? That’s the noise it made just before it fell last
time!”
– Push all the buttons when people get on and say you can’t
decide which floor to go on.
– While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper,”hide
it…quick!” then whistle innocently.